by Mills McCoin

If you know me at all, then you’re aware I have no place to comment on “etiquette”. But after witnessing two legitimate concert-going personalities collide, I’m compelled to explain the logical behavior one should instinctly have already.

If your ticket reads “General Admission”, and you are in fact capable of reading that, then you should *at least* follow these SIMPLE guidelines to help prevent you from being a Concert Douche Bag Prick Piece of Shit.

Live Show Etiquette:

Control the Volume of Your Annoying Voice: This is the most important courtesy that you can extend to your fellow patrons. If another patron of the concert turns around to “Shhh!” you and your friends, then by all means- SHUT THE FUCK UP! Swallow your ego and your senseless pride and shut. the. fuck. up. You are in “The Wrong.”. There’s no question here. The “Shhh-er” doesn’t even have to be polite. Though they probably should, I know that I wouldn’t be. Nobody paid money to hear you talk about anything. If you feel the need to chit chat at an unreasonable volume, then roll to the back of the venue or go outside. It’s also important to realize that no matter how soft spoken you are naturally, your voice is too loud if someone other than the person you’re talking to can hear you. This applies to every genre of live show.

Don’t Wear a Band T-Shirt to a Show of the Same Band: …Unless you’re a bad ass and the t shirt is 25 years old. It’s just sad to see people wearing t shirts supporting a band they’ve already supported by purchasing a ticket. I get it- you’re a fan. If you weren’t a fan- you wouldn’t be there. Furthermore, the band will not see you wearing the shirt and think, “Oh man, that dude’s wearing our shirt. I should invite him on the bus after the show.”

Respect Your Height and the Height of Others: It’s no surprise that if you’re tall and you’re standing in front of the stage- you’re an asshole for blocking the view of others not as vertically flawed as yourself. Tall people = Privileged Concert Goers. Here’s a simple math solution to this problem: Examine the crowd and find a window mid-way back from the stage and allow those shorter than you to step forward. God gave you those extra inches, He will appreciate you not using them to disrupt the rest of his landscape.

Weed Part One: People smoke at live shows. Get over it. Don’t bring the authorities into this. If it bothers you that much, then politely ask the stoners to move. Politely. Emphasis. On. POLITELY. And to the stoners: weed is cool, so be cool. Don’t light up around little kids.

Weed Part Two: Do not ask to smoke someone else’s weed. Wait until it is offered to you. If you must, look at the owner longingly as though you were a puppy looking for a master. The owner will eventually share with you.

Mind these logical insights that you should have already discovered yourself and, together, we will maximize the concert experience. This is the end of your friendly reminder. Cheers.