BADVICE: FOURNICATION EDITION
Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE
Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.
I NEVER HAVE THE WILLPOWER TO MAKE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE CENTER OF MY TOOTSIE ROLL POP, HOW CAN I FIX THAT? I LICK A LITTLE BIT, BUT THEN MY JAW GETS SORE AND I HAVE TO GIVE UP. IS THERE ANYWAY TO INCREASE MY JAW STRENGTH TO ENSURE I CAN ENJOY THE GREATNESS KNOWN AS A TRP?
Get, like, super high, and then you’ll have no issues.
So assuming you’re a guy, you must be terrible at oral sex. Because if your mouth is getting tired Tootsie Roll Pops are the least of your worries. If you went down on your girl more often you wouldn’t have a one problem getting to the center.
You’re welcome, whoever’s girlfriend this is.
HOW DO I TELL MY BOYFRIEND TO STOP MASTURBATING WHEN WE’RE IN BED WHEN HE THINKS I’M ASLEEP?
If you’re tired, over worked, on your period, or just don’t want to have sex, then let him handle his biz.
MY GIRLFRIEND ONLY CUMS WHEN I EAT HER OUT. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY PENIS?
I’m a firm believer of the motion in the ocean. Suck on her toes, put a pillow under her ass, take one of those pills you can buy at the Shell station down the street. Stop doing blow and shooting whiskey, and then maybe you won’t have a permanent softie (a softie is the Hulu commercial of sex).
MY FRIEND BORROWS MY CAR EVERYDAY AND NEVER FILLS IT UP. WHAT DO?
The next time you lend it to them leave that shit on empty and let them push it to the gas station. Turn your car into the biggest responsibility they’ll have that day.
WHO IS BETTER? BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN OR BILLY JOEL? I MEAN, SPRINGSTEEN IS THE BOSS.
Why? Are you going to lose a bet with your dad? I don’t know. Billy Joel.
While both appease the people who are my parent’s age, Springsteen was the boss, Billy Joel was the piano man and the big shot.
Maybe you should look yourself in the mirror and ask this question, then stand by what you believe in.
To be honest, I’d rather listen to my friend’s shitty poetry than know the right answer.
THERE IS THIS PARTY I REALLY WANT TO GO TO BUT I CAN’T FIND A DD.
Don’t trifle with a bike.
Or find someone you want to fuck at the party and crash there.
HOW CAN I IMPRESS A GIRL IF I ONLY HAVE $5 IN MY POCKET?
Take her to the CAMH (it’s free, donk), then get her 10 tacos from J in the B and then eat her out so well she doesn’t even know how much money is in your wallet.
HOW CAN I GET A GIRL TO STOP TRYING TO STICK A FINGER NEAR MY BUTT DURING SEX?
Dear girl who is dating the person who asked this question. I’m sorry you’re having sex with the most uninteresting person ever.
HOW DO I GET GIRLS TO STOP CALLING ME DADDY DURING SEX?
If she pops one, I get it. But all the time? Man, find her daddy, reader. FIND HIM.
HOW DO I TELL A GIRL THAT HER HOUSE SMELLS SO MUCH LIKE CATS THAT IT IS HARD TO POWER THROUGH WHILE HAVING SEX WITHOUT GETTING SOFT FROM THE SMELL?
Dump her and find a dog person because that shit will never change.
HOW MANY BEERS IS TOO MANY WHILE EATING A BUSINESS LUNCH?
For all you ladies that are babes: one carafe of mimosas.
For anyone in the education system: any amount is too many (unless you teach high school art).
For all you oil and gas folks: no one gets drunk off of Bud Light Lime. Plus, bro, you just CRUSHED that Monster in your F350.
HOW TO BREAK UP WITH A GUY WITH BAD BREATH THAT WON’T STOP CALLING ME. YEAH NO BUT SERIOUSLY AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS MAYBE JUST THE ONE TIME. BUT IT’S LIKE SOMETHING IN HIS MOUTH IS ROTTING AND HE ATE ME OUT AND I GOT A UTI. HE’S SO NICE AND COOL BUT HE’S PRETTY CLINGY BUT THE MAIN ISSUE IS I DON’T WANT TO GET NEAR HIM. IT’S LIKE THE KIND YOU CAN SMELL FROM 2 FT AWAY AND THEN STAYS IN YOUR NOSTRILS THE REST OF THE DAY.
Do so much cocaine your nose is constantly stuffed up so you can’t smell it.
Or put him on an all Fireball diet.
Or ask to borrow his computer, open up some dentist website and let him figure it out on his own.
Or just dump him. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings because he’s “nice” then tell him you’re dumping him because he’s clingy and if you wanted to deal with that you’d date a woman.
Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.