Wednesday, December 31, 2008

2008 FPH Sports Review


The Houston Texans: After another underwhelming 8-8 season, the Houston Texans end the season on a high note with the same promise we always hear: “We’re really excited about next year.”
Despite the rest of the lackluster year, Sunday’s manhandling of the Chicago Bears was impressive. Matt Schaub brought the team back from a ten point deficit in the first quarter, which proved for a moment that he could captain this team in the future.
The difference between this season and last season came yesterday when Rick Smith, the Defensive Coordinator, was fired along with John Hoke (the Secondary Coach) and Jethro Franklin (the Defensive Line Coach). Head Coach, Gary Kubiak, had this to say about the situation: “You know... shit.”
Coach Kubiak had some good things to say about Pro Bowl defensive end, Mario Williams: “Our goal this year was to get Mario to start eating live quarterbacks for dinner. We didn’t reach that goal this season; but by this time next year Mario should be a full blown cannibal.” Kubiak ended the press conference by announcing that Andre Johnson would be the new Defensive Coordinator, citing his ability to do everything better than anyone else. I think it’s a good hire.

The Houston Rockets: For the Houston Rockets, the 2008 Playoffs ended exactly like the 2007 Playoffs: losing in the first round to the Utah Jazz. The season was not a complete failure. Just Tradey McGrady.
In his rare defense, Tradey managed to help the Rockets win 22 games straight, which is the second longest winning streak in NBA history. The Rockets won about half of those games without Yao Ming, who was having a stellar season until a very suspicious stress fracture magically appeared in his foot.
It is my opinion, as a genius in the field of International Affairs, that there is a direct link between Yao’s mysterious bobo and the 2008 Olympic Games in China. Little Red China, fearing that Yao Ming would be too haggard from the NBA season to play for the Chinese national team, decided to bring Yao’s NBA season to a premature end. Little Red China sent seven ninjas to Yao Ming’s house. They “stress fractured” his foot and gave him instructions to sit out the rest of the season. Yao’s response was “Yao!”
After an 07-08 campaign that was riddled with injury, The Rockets’ Jedi General Manager, Daryl Morey, made some savy offseason maneuvers that brought sharpshooter Brent Barry and violence specialist Ron Artest to the team, while retaining the services of break out star, Carl Landry, and veteran Dikembe Mutumbo. And the additions have certainly made a difference this season.
The Rockets are 20-12 and third in their division going into tonight’s bout with the miserable Milwaukee Bucks. Daryl Morey, an MIT grad, could not be reached for comment since I don’t have his phone number but I’m sure he would say something like: “Yeah uh we’ve ran the numbers and it looks like we’re gonna be in the playoffs again this year.” Stay tuned.

The Houston Comets: After winning the first four WNBA Championships, the Houston Comets are no more. It’s pretty sad that our (theoretically, and by God do I mean in theory only) most successful sports franchise has gone the way of the BetaMax. After Les Alexander’s contractual ownership of the team ran out, the NBA had to pick up the team for the 2008 season.
Throughout the year, David Stern tried to find a suitable owner but couldn’t because women’s sports that don’t require bikini’s are boring to watch. Did I just say something absurd? Why are you looking at me like that? If the WNBA players played basketball in bikini’s, then I would be a season ticket holder. Please, hold me to it.

The Houston Astros: For the third year in a row, Drayton MacLane, Jr. thought his Christian morals, instead of good or even decent starting pitching, would get his team back to the World Series- or at least the playoffs. But the fact is that no matter how many times MacLane splatters the face of Second Baptist Inc.’s CEO, Ed Young, on the walls of Minute Maid Park, he cannot not expect God or Jesus or Sandy Koufax to win games for him- namely because Sandy Koufax is dead and there’s no record of any deity worshipped by anyone to have won twenty games in a season.
MacLane once traded two young starting pitchers, Taylor Buckholz and Jason Hirsh, and outfielder/superfast base stealer Willy Taveras to the Colorado Rockies in exchange for one starting pitcher, Jason Jennings. Jason Jennings was not a good pitcher at all but he went to Baylor, Drayton’s alma mater. The Chicago White Sox wanted to send Jon Garland (a really good pitcher) to the Astros in exchange for the same players sent to Colorado. This is proof that there should be separation of Church and Baseball.
But on the good side, the Astros’ offense has become what it needs to be in order to contend for anything. The bats of Hunter Pence, Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada worked miracles this past season. In regards to the problem of pitching, perhaps during Spring Training there will be good news (not the Gospel) coming out of Kissimmee.
Finally, in all fairness to Drayton, Ed Young’s full name is H. Edwin Young. The “H.” stands for “Homer.”

Saturday, December 6, 2008

End Times 2.0 – The Blue Beam Blueprint


By Nave Navinud

“Look! Up in the sky. What is that? It’s a bird…a plane…oh wait, it’s just a holographic depiction of the Second Coming.”
Those who are privy to the top secret NASA/U.S. government project tentatively titled “Project Blue Beam” may just be some of the very few who aren’t going to be fooled by their space show in the sky that involves projecting holographic images into the ionosphere. This technology will be used to scam us into everything from believing an alien invasion is imminent, to coming to the realization that all the great prophets from Jesus and Buddha to Krishna and Ronnie James Dio are really just one interstellar savior that will be represented on Earth by our great One World Leader. Doesn’t sound like such a bad time to be living in after all. And for those who aren’t fortunate enough to know of Blue Beam, allow me to explain the Conspiracy of all conspiracies that dwarfs any other manufactured Michael Bay Apocalypse depiction imaginable.
The implementation of the New World Order via Blue Beam is set to take place in a four-step process. Step one will begin to take effect with the breakdown of religious belief systems of old when ‘new’ archeological discoveries are brought forth from numerous earthquakes that will occur in unexpected places. These new findings will be staged to shine light on all of our previous religious misinterpretations and provide the solution of an all-encompassing One World Religion as a replacement. As all falsified doctrines are laid to rest and the dust is cleared from the eyes of Man, the Magnum Opus of conspiracies will begin to unfold. Naturally, there will be some skepticism towards such claims. This is when step two will need to occur to really send things over the edge.
In order for step two of Project Blue Beam to be successful, we will have to imagine that the sociological, economic, and overall state of affairs leading up to this scenario will be so fucked that many of the people of Earth will already be leaning towards some sort of assumption that we are in the End Times or at least New Times. In a moment’s lapse the entire world will be stunned when a three-dimensional holographic space show appears in the sky across the entire planet. The purpose of such an event, you ask? Why of course it’s to beam specific cultural imagery, language, and sounds into the hearts and minds of each Earthling with the hopes of reshaping his entire worldview. Every culture will receive their very own movie with a relative explanation for where things went wrong and how they really should be. That’s right. Christians will see Christ, or maybe the Pope. Jews will see their long awaited Messiah, gold. Hindus will be shocked to find that their God is a very modest eight-armed Deity. The Muslims will see Muhammed bathing his sword in the blood of infidels. And Floridians? Ronnie Van Zant will resurrect from the dead playing the solo to ‘Freebird’. They will use the sky as a global movie screen to unravel ancient prophecies and simultaneously prepare citizens for the arrival of their well-planned One World Leader/False Prophet scenario. All of the great spiritual leaders of time will ultimately merge into one badass super leader that will offer both the peaceful prose of Gandhi and the charismatic demeanor of Hitler. At this point you may be thinking that the present author, or at least whomever thought up Blue Beam, has maybe taken one too many bong hits in his spare time which sparked increasingly paranoid and irrational views of the World. While this may be true for at least one of us, I challenge you to review some very interesting documentation of the subject and see if you think this is such an implausible scenario after all.
For starters, take a look at an Army Research Laboratory document from February 1998 titled “3-D Holographic Display Using Strontium Barium Niobate” in which an innovative technique for generating a three-dimensional holographic display is discussed in length. The resultant image is a hologram that can be viewed in real time over a wide field of view. The document states, “The holographic image is free from system-induced aberrations and has a uniform, high quality over the entire field of view. The enhanced image quality results from using a phase conjugate read beam generated from a second photorefractive crystal acting as a double pumped phase conjugate mirror (DPPCM). Multiple three dimensional images have been stored in the crystal via wavelength multiplexing.” With this technology, which is most likely far more advanced by now, real-time viewing of holographic imagery would be possible using photorefractive crystals as a medium, thus eliminating the inability to produce real-time holographic images, especially in 3-D form. For more information on the theory and experimentation of this technology, reference the Defense Technical Information Center online. This is just one of several methods available for simultaneously projecting these holographic images in real-time across the entire planet. In a December 2004 article in Wired magazine entitled “Apocalypse Now: How a Hologram, a Blimp, and a Massively Multi-player Game Could Bring Peace to the Holy Land”, the work of Israeli cybernetics expert Yitzhaq Hayutman is discussed. Hayutman has a very different view of how to bring about peace in the Middle East. He plans to project a holographic temple above the Dome of the Rock via an array of high-powered, water-cooled lasers and then fire them into a transparent cube suspended beneath a blimp. This would fulfill the ancient Jewish prophecy that the temple will descend from the heavens as a manifestation of light. He even has a plan to generate the virtual temple via an online role-playing game that allows users from across the world to assist in constructing this electronic apocalypse.
Now that several possible scenarios have been discussed for the visual aspect of Blue Beam, questions will arise concerning the technology available to achieve step three of this project, the voices of God. In step three, the souls of Man will be touched by the voice of their Divine reference point speaking to them in their native tongue. Each citizen plagued by this psychological torture will believe that they are receiving a Divine message properly molded to their cultural belief system that will accompany the light show in the sky in clearing up any past misunderstandings of our planet’s mysteries. They will be ushered into a new age of wisdom that essentially paves the way for the all-knowing Leader. I’m sure many people will be curious to know how it would be the least bit possible to beam such specific messages directly towards each and every individual on the planet. Well one way could certainly be with the use of long-range acoustic devices (LRAD). Beginning in 2004, American soldiers in Iraq were equipped with LRADs by the American Technology Corporation (ATC) for both land and naval-based operations. Long-range acoustic devices are capable of transmitting a highly directional beam of sound up to 150 decibels, which is 50 times the threshold of human pain. For any person within 300 meters of the device, there is always the possibility of irreversible damage to his eardrums. This technology is also effective for beaming a message towards a specific direction in very noisy areas. For several years, U.S. Naval officers have been using LRADs for giving directions in the busy waters of the Persian Gulf to fishermen and other small boats in the area. If you wish to give orders to a specific person or group in a large area, you simply point the LRAD towards them within a preferred range of 270 meters on land or 500 meters on water and within a beam width of about 30°. The message is then transmitted to the specific target, leaving it nearly inaudible for those outside of that area. With the ability to generate messages in almost any language, the long-range acoustic device certainly possesses the technological capability to fool millions of people into believing they are receiving a spiritual awakening from a source in the sky that is nothing more than a hologram designed to implement Earth, Inc.
Now that we have covered the voice of God aspect of Blue Beam, we are prepared to address the most important and final stage of this grandiose conspiracy. This fourth stage is a two-part process that concerns multiple facets of universal supernatural manifestations via holographs seen by billions worldwide. In the first part, the people of Earth will be made to believe that an alien invasion is imminent in every major city around the globe. Each country will be encouraged to band together to fight off this extra-terrestrial presence that poses a threat to Earth. Of course this is just what President Ronald Reagan said when addressing the United Nations: “Perhaps we need some outside universal threat. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world”.
In the second part of stage four, the apocalyptic Christians will be fooled into believing that the End of Days is here and the Rapture is going to occur. They will be led to believe that some sort of ‘off this planet’ source is coming to save the Earthlings from the grip of the evil Imperial Force. The goal of this would be to neutralize any significant opposition to the New World Order’s plan by making the gullible Christians think Judgment Day is here and they were right all along. While they maintain their complacency in preparation to be beamed up, the true plan of sticking it to the sheep of Earth will be in full effect.
If you are part of the 5% of the population who would even give this discombobulated conspiracy the time of day, then you might be wondering what kind of signs will we see as the age of Blue Beam approaches. Well, according to some guy from Canada named Serge Monast who wrote all about Blue Beam for the International Free Press in Canada and then turned up dead in classic conspiracy fashion, it will begin with some sort of worldwide economic disaster: “An in-between currency will be used to force anyone with savings to spend or turn in their cash because they understand that people who have money and are not dependent upon them might be the very ones who will mount an insurrection against them. If everyone is broke, no one can fund a war of any kind: paper currency will cease to exist. This is one of the first signs”.
A big portion of Blue Beam concerns the attempt to orchestrate ancient prophecies such as a Messianic arrival and the rapture and to make the respective religious communities of the world believe they are actually taking place. Contemplating the idea of staging prophetic fulfillments immediately poses questions about the operations of time and how we see it in linear fashion. Are the puppet-masters behind Blue Beam actually creating an outcome to these prophecies by acting them out? Or were such visions of old actually foreseeing nothing more than the future, when this technological spectacle in the sky actually takes place? Whatever the case may be, it certainly gives anyone with an overly active imagination plenty to think about.
Now that all of the ins and outs of Blue Beam have been addressed, I must give the basic disclaimer that I am merely covering the epic legend of what Project Blue Beam entails and am clearly not responsible for any holes or contradictions that you may find in this secret project. Please forgive them…it is a work in progress.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Greenbacks for Green Bins: A Letter of Thanks and Clarification for West Coast Donation to City of Houston

To: Mr. Stephen Elliot, Author and Founder of the Progressive Reading Series, San Francisco, California

From: Andrea Afra, Assistant Minister of Propaganda for the City of Montrose, Texas

Re: Donation for recycling bins

Dear Mr. Elliot,
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you and the San Francisco Progressive Reading Series for raising money to donate to the City of Houston for the purchase of recycling bins, as it will benefit not only Houstonians but Montrosians alike. We apologize for the red tape you faced when trying to make the donation, however it was not known who the proper parties were to handle the contribution, then the mayor's legal department had to be consulted with which determined that your signature needed to be obtained for a waiver stating that the mayor's acceptance of your contribution was not an endorsement of any political candidate or party. Again, thank you for your donation of $1,250 as it will help offset the taxpayers' cost of the Mayor of Houston's $600,000 green marketing campaign that has yet to show any progress.

We are aware that you became familiar with Houston's recycling program after reading a July 2008 New York Times article reporting on a national study of the thirty most populous cities in the country published by Waste News that ranked San Francisco as the top performing recycling city at 69%, while Houston, the fourth largest city, came in last place at 2.6%. San Francisco not only generates good money from recycling but sets a prime example of how to succeed without depending on public funds to do so. A private company handles SF's recycling service and gives part of that money to the city. There is no charge for bins or for collection as all of the costs are more than covered by reselling the materials.

The NY Times article stated that: "...25,000 Houston residents have been waiting as long as 10 years to get recycling bins from the city...but the city says it cannot afford more bins." As you wrote in your article published by Huffington Post, you felt that you could help out with this problem and raised enough money to purchase 276 bins, at $6.25 per unit. Here again we must apologize for any confusion. If you would have read further into the article you would have come across the quote from Mayor Bill White saying, "We (Houstonians) have an independent streak that rebels against mandates or anything that seems trendy or hyped up."

What this translates to, Mr. Elliot, is "Houston doesn't give a shit about recycling." That is the overall attitude here. We are the energy capital of the world, yet we are the nation's worst recycling city. Over 160,000 residents have curbside recycling pick up service, but in many neighborhoods so few residents actually use the bins that it is not worth the cost of sending out the trucks. It won't get any easier than having someone come to your house twice a month and make your soda bottles and beer cans disappear, yet it is clear that people don't value the service enough to use it. Those who do utilize their bins run the risk of losing the service if their neighbors don't improve on their recycling efforts.

The citizens of Montrose would like to say that they are champion recyclers, leaders in the green movement, however we are just as apathetic as everyone else. We forget to put our bins out, we're not sure if we can recycle #2 plastics or #6, we don't even know our recycling day. Those who don't have city recycling pick up deem themselves exempt from having to recycle, which is bullshit. We will be the first ones to say that one shouldn't depend on their city for anything. There are plenty of ways to get rid of waste responsibly and we've devised a simple how-to guide for recycling in Montrose and Houston, and while it includes instructions on using public recycling services, we encourage the citizens to put other methods into practice as well.

Again, Mr. Elliot we'd like to thank you for your donation and hope to clear up the misconception that our atrocious performance may be contributed to by our need for more bins, when in truth our shoddy ranking is just a reflection of the value we place upon our environment. In the future, you may send contributions directly to the City of Montrose Recycling Fund which goes towards the purchase of unopened glass and aluminum containers of beer and other spirits so that they will be consumed and disposed of properly by responsible citizens, aka the Mayor and his loyal staff.

Our sincerest thanks and regrets,
The City of Montrose

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