Features

2009 Worst of Houston

2010-01-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

Illustrations by Tim Dorsey Toilet Photo by Ariana Katechis

That dreaded time has come to call out the worst of the worst. While 2009 was a great year in many respects it was also a turdfest. But you have to call em’ like you see em’. The first step in solving a problem is identifying it and that's what we are here to do. Problem is, we all live in a glass house yet we must throw these stones. So we have taken the time to be introspective and call ourselves out just a little this year. Read up and enjoy.

Worst Portent for Montrose Residents The (Rapid) Commercial Decline of Lower Westheimer

In 2009, “Lower” Westheimer truly earned its name. A domino effect of failing businesses – starting with the venerable Felix and tumbling east to La Strada – turned the street into a wasteland that makes one question whether they might actually be in Detroit.

Only a year ago, this was the storied Restaurant Row, and we were still laboring under the delusion that Ruggles really was going to be “Re-opening Soon.”

In the time it took for Ruggles to finally catch fire instead of reopening, we saw the unceremonious shuttering of businesses like Austin Layne and Mary’s, and even chain joints like Hollywood Video and Taco Cabana. Those of us who live near those businesses soon got a taste of what happens when Lower Westheimer can’t get its groove back: shit gets broken into on an almost daily basis. Not a coincidence.

The triplex I live in had been unviolated for years, according to long-term residents. Yet, in the past month, one apartment has been successfully burglarized, with a second attempt made on it shortly thereafter. Tonight, someone walked right up my driveway and smashed the window on my shit car, only to discover that there was nothing in it to steal. (Why any moron would think they’d get something out of a 1997 Escort with a mismatched fender, I don’t know.) That makes three hits in one month on one property, after decades of peace. This is no fluke – I’ve seen too many flashing lights on my street in the past few weeks, so I know we’re not alone.

In a neighborhood where property values are insane, the neighbors are buying guns. Guns belong in the suburbs, not Montrose. This is not a good trend.

Please, support the businesses that are still alive here. Spend some cash at Mango’s, Numbers, Avant Garden. Speak up for the Westheimer Street Festival. And while you’re here, keep an eye out for the fucking assholes who keep busting up my house.

Amanda Wolfe

Worst Rental Lease Terms
Alabama Theater/Weingarten Reality

According to local lore, the lease on the historic Alabama Theater on Shepard, now up for rent, drawn up by Weingarten Reality, includes a clause in which new tenants must agree to never screen a movie inside the space. You might remember Weingarten as the focus of community activism surrounding their attempt to bulldoze the River Oaks theater. Why do you hate movies so much Weingarten—why would anyone write this into a rental contract? http://www.weingarten.com/retail/property/0552-001/

Tish Stringer

Worst of Haircuts
Supercuts

I recently decided to make my annual pilgrimage to Supercuts in the hopes of lopping off my “I don’t have a serious job” haircut. Instead of simply writing a few choice words on what transpired, I’ve instead decided to let the FPH readers in on the letter I valiantly taped to the salon’s door, a la Martin Luther.

Dear Supercuts Lady, I just wanted to take a moment and write you to let you know how much I appreciate the obvious style and grace with which you scissored, buzzed, and sculpted my head at your store earlier today. I can’t afford to go to a real hair stylist and even though I was surprised to find the “discounts” Supercuts advertise actually end up costing more than a haircut at the non-mega-corporation barbershop across the street, I thought “what the hey?” and decided to give you a whirl. Supercuts lady, to be fair, I should have known what I was getting myself into the second I walked into your store and saw you were the only “stylist” not cutting hair, even though there was a line of people waiting in the corner, all reading the dated magazines your store offers. It should have tipped me off you weren’t exactly the ace of your squadron when, after I told the receptionist I’d be more than happy to use whoever, you walked up and one of the guys waiting for another stylist gave me a telltale wink. Also a tip off- your name is Karla spelled with a K. I can just see me now- absentmindedly being ushered by you to the chopping block. Apparently when on the way you idly asked me what I’d like you heard, “Whatever floats your boat, go wild, I dare you” as opposed to “A short trim, please.” The moxie with which you pushed me down in the chair was startling. I knew I was in for a treat, Supercuts lady, when you immediately whipped out your cell phone while hosing down my dome with that questionable liquid. The tales with which you began to regale your cousin Tania over your mobile were vivid and dramatic and even though I could only hear your side of the conversation through our entire exchange as you cut hair with one hand and held your cell in the other, I can only imagine Tania’s excitement when you spoke about your plans this weekend. Though I attempted to avoid eye contact with you for fear of throwing you off your mark, I knew I was in confident hands as you pushed my head this way and that while sporadically checking the ongoing results in the mirror. I trusted you, Supercuts lady, I had a job interview later on and knew you could make me look nothing but tasteful and professional. I do admit I was a bit scared as you became increasingly heated in your conversation when your cousin Tania brought up your ex-boyfriend. After all, you were wielding razor sharp scissors centimeters from my jugular. But thankfully you were professional enough to just simply walk away to the back of the store to give Tania your full attention while I waited patiently for five minutes. When you came back still on the phone and looked surprised to find me in your chair I knew you were only being coy. As you started back in on my haircut I noticed bunches of hair below my seat increasing in size to an alarming degree, like you were shaving a grizzly bear. However, my trust for you was ebullient, who am I to question your obvious ability? I noticed your impressive degree on the wall and though the name on it was Roger, I’m sure there’s an explanation. Perhaps you went to school with this person? When you explained after the last snip that the cut would look better when dry, I have to admit I was a bit skeptical. But really, I rarely go anywhere with wet hair so what’s the big deal? Apparently your creativity knows no bounds- when you asked if I wanted my sideburns trimmed and I said “mid ear,” you winged it, rendering the appearance of my face lopsided and freakish. I was a little embarrassed when everyone stared at me as I stood up to walk to the register. The man who had winked at me earlier was chuckling, but perhaps he was just thinking of something funny he had overheard you say to Tania. I paid the bill and acknowledged your forthrightness when you exclaimed “tips not included” while I fumbled with my wallet. Of course I’ll tip you, Supercuts lady, this haircut will look much better when it’s had a chance to dry. It wasn’t until I got in my car and looked in the rearview mirror that I realized you had rendered me into an abortive hybrid of a state trooper and Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber. So I just want to thank you Supercuts lady, for the time and effort you put into making me look like a goon. Pretty sure I’m not getting a callback from my interview as I doubt the company’s into the inbred pervert yokel look. Thanks again Karla!

Steven Thompson

Worst trend of the year
Using "man" as a prefix

First it was the "man show" then came "man-caves," "man-tuaries," and "man-crushes." Now we have "man-tinis", "man-tea," "man-scara/ guy-liner/ guy-shadow," and the list just keeps growing. Nothing says "threatened identity and sexual insecurity" more than putting a masculine pronoun before the names of common household objects and alcoholic drinks. I’m just waiting for Madison Avenue to really get behind the idea and start marketing products to the guys whose definition of masculinity is so narrow, and their views on women so outdated, that they have to have a separate room in their house where they can drink beer and watch TV. Perhaps we’ll see the resurgence of the MANtle clock or a new awareness of the plight of the MANatees, but somehow I doubt it.

Alex Wukman

Worst Ad
Rocbar’s Fallen Rock Stars

Last March, quasi-Douchebag rock club the Rocbar advertised an evening comprised of music by ‘Fallen Rock Stars’. Harmless idea which would pay tribute to the many rock and rollers who have gone too soon. Problem: the flyer featured depictions of Morrison, Hendrix, Dimebag, Kobain, and Bob Dylan….yup Bob Dylan. Despite sounding dead, he is clearly not dead.

Omar Afra

Worst Graffiti Flaw
Lack of Creativity

Houston’s local Graff scene is a stagnant swamp. Seems like we have dozens of kids seeking out the Montrose as a Houston Graff mecca, only to provide it with sloppy tags plaguing the streets, just an eyesore nobody can read. Tell yall right now mayne, keep it simple, keep it straight. Who’z yalls audience? The old skool Graff heads? You aint stackin numbers in their books if yo shit aint readable. The general public?? The hardest audience to obtain? They’re repelled by scrawl and lack of creative display. Alot of trill-ass artists that have held down (and held together) the Houston Graff game for a long time, that have put their souls into their werk only to be thrown in the cesspool of the local Graff populous. Seems like your just waiting for the next sanarchipot by someone that has already put in madd werk. Should think bout dat fo ya hit tha streets next time, playboy. Lack of creativity leads to the city offering us nothing. Almost no legal walls, limited businesses want their walls painted, and no city provided spots to speak of, as there are in so many other cities. Mickey Phoenix at Calico T-shirts is still one of the few who’s faith remains. Graff started to improve the glum outlook of the community... At the end of the line, tagger or piecer, baby it’s gotta look good. Do it big or don’t do it at all, mayne...

86

Worst Mixed Metaphors
US Congressman Ted Poe (2nd District)

Congressman Ted Poe likes to deny the existence of climate change by reading whole Newsweek articles (from 1974) that told of the oncoming Ice Age. He also draws specious comparisons between everybody’s favorite jerk (and we’re not saying he’s not a jerk), Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and carbon dioxide.

“The whole world has been watching what has taken place in Copenhagen, Denmark last week and this week. All the talk is about climate change and how man is affecting the climate,” Poe speechified in Congress on December 14, “but what we need in this world is a climate change in Iran. That's right. We need to change the atmosphere in Iran with what has taken place with the little man from the desert, Ahmadinejad...President Ahmedinijad is the pollution of the world, and we need change of climate in Iran.” Poe actually flubbed his speech at one point--he tripped over his own innuendo and explicitly called for “regime change...in...Iran...” Don’t you think we’ve already bitten off more than we can chew, Congressman?

Harbeer Sandhu

Worst Sports Moment
Rocket’s Injuries
Calling the fall of the most recent incarnation of the Houston Rockets an end seems almost insulting to all parties involved. Empires must control, and dynasties must rule. Regardless if the blame can be laid upon brazen spending, recurring back problems or the inability of a few men to “will” their teams to victory, the Rockets of the 2000’s could hardly have been called anything other than a failed attempt to capitalize on a winning formula; still, the final demoralizing loss of Yao Ming for a season in which the Rockets could have progressed on a level of success that had not been seen in a decade truly signaled the death knell of the McGrady-Ming experiment.

There should have been no experiment, though. Can’t miss with the big man/do-it-all perimeter player combo. The NBA and Houston alike had all just seen the juggernaut that was the early 00’s Los Angeles Lakers, relying on two men with remarkable gifts and a brilliant coach to make up for an otherwise spotty lineup and seeing three consecutive titles as the outcome. Kobe Bryant and Tracy McGrady were compared endlessly in the years leading up to McGrady’s move to Houston; while the seemingly svelte Chinese man may have lacked the sheer gravity and girth afforded to Shaquille O’Neal, Yao and his myriad talents around the basket would mesh more fluidly with McGrady, whose brilliance rested in his need to handle the ball. The Rockets had picked up defensive ace Jeff Van Gundy as head coach the year before McGrady’s arrival. The formula had been unimaginatively matched to a T, as if conceived by under-informed sports columnists, and almost on cue, the Rockets became a trendy pick by those same sportswriters to win the conference and even NBA championships for a few years.

The rest reads like the autopsy of a NBA team. Playoff failure, broken back, broken leg, more playoff failure, broken foot, broken knee, slightly less painful playoff failure, knee surgery, shock of somewhat success, broken foot. The story’s repetitive and brutal, but never unexpected. So, as Yao Ming limped off the Toyota Center floor in Game Three of the Western Conference Semifinals, the few Rockets fans possessing the wherewithal to sit through these years of carnage could not scream, but sigh at another failed run, another fractured bone. The scene was tragic, without a doubt, but this tragedy had played out for a very long time, well into its fifth act.

That broken foot spawned the Rockets seen today to go 2-2 against a soon-to-be NBA champion Laker team and probably better cemented this team’s current identity than any other single moment. But there was a death in the midst of all of this newly found sentience, and the Rockets of Yao and Tracy no longer exist. Though the big man may find his way back to dominance and a specter wearing number three that looks awfully familiar can be found floating around the three-point line occasionally, their time passed, as predictably as it started.
Jacob Mustafa

Worst Tabouli
Anglo-Tabouli

Stop making Tabouli white, people. All of you. Why do you use more cracked wheat than parsley? On that note, there is no such thing as Israeli Couscous.

Omar Afra

Worst Closed Door in Houston
KPFT 90.1

In his cosmic cowboy days in the mid 70’s, my father helped turn a 1915 house into something suitable out of which to broadcast radio. The Mighty 90 at 419 Lovett quickly became the heart of the Montrose where you could just walk right in and get anything you want. And because KPFT has given us a diversity of ideas, a wide range of music, and a sense of community, my family has given our time, energy, and money to KPFT whenever we could. When they first began broadcasting in 1970, my mother was there cold-calling for donations (as it was done then). As a teenager in the 80’s, I spent a good amount of time hanging out with DJs and answering phones during fund drives. I saw all sorts of people come in off the street seeking shelter or the company of others like themselves.

Even though KPFT had dealt with violent acts perpetrated against them by nutjobs from the get-go (e.g. KKK dynamited their transmitter twice, arsonists burned their record storage, a conspiracy theorist brandished a shotgun on their property), it was not until 2007, when a bullet pierced a window and came within inches of hitting a radio host, that their open-door policy came to a close. I have encountered their new security measures first hand a couple of times in the past year. Introducing a newly arrived resident to the more culturally relevant establishments of our fair city, we were admitted entry after being screened by the intercom and camera, regulated to a 8’ x 8’ section of the lobby with 3 pair of eyes scanning our every movement, and interviewed as to our purpose. We left with some bumper stickers. While distributing flyers throughout the neighborhood inviting all-comers to a National Night Out event down the street, I tried to use the opportunity to show my son the radio station his grandfather helped build. As far as we got was passing a flyer through a door that would possibly be posted on a bulletin board that few eyes would ever see.

Duane Bradley, KPFT General Manager, had recognized the philosophical dilemma in instituting the closed-door policy. I would never want a hair on any of the staff members’ or volunteers’ heads come to any harm, but, in light of such progress as an African-American president and a lesbian mayor, I think it’s high time for KPFT to let the community back in. Mr. Bradley, open that damn door!

Jerod Smith

Worst Neighbors
Self-Righteous Suburbanites

I know it's a common complaint, but there seems to be nothing to address this concern. There needs to be a contractual agreement for people who decide to move from the burbs to reside in the Montrose area that states:

"I understand that by relocating to the City of Montrose, I will become a resident of an area that is renown for its music and art scene, and should I decide to move to a neighborhood that borders an entertainment venue, and should my residence be within hearing range of the musical entertainment from said venue, I will refrain from harassing the business by filing daily noise complaints with the police, or impeding their customers by harassing the city to put no parking signs around the entire block.

"I also understand that there will be street festivals in which the streets will be closed down so that the thousands of attendees will be able to enjoy a safe festival, and that any petty objections to the revelries is harmful to the community as a whole. There will be trash, there will be drunk people, and there will be noise all day and late into the night. However, not only is the revenue generated by vendors and area businesses from festival patrons economically stimulating, the recognition garnered by showcasing the talent that hails from Houston benefits not just Montrose, but our city as a whole.
"Should I be found in violation of any of these terms I will be ousted from my home by an angry mob of hipsters and shipped to Dallas."

Andrea Afra

Worst Deal on a Used Hate Machine
Gene Locke
We can now stop wondering whether or not Gene Locke knew that his campaign finance was paying Republican Homophobe nutjobs like Steve Hotze to send out anti-gay junk mail to thousands of Houston voters. We can stop wondering because Annise Parker won anyway, in a satisfying repudiation of this city's worst political tendencies. The big question now: how Locke proposes to get a single democrat this side of the 3rd ward to ever trust his opportunistic ass again.

M. Martin

Worst Drink Prices
House of Blues

21 bucks for 2 drinks. Fuck off. I don’t care who is playing.

Omar Afra

Worst Local Resident
Conrad Curray- MJ’s “Doctor”

It sort of hurts your standing as a metropolis when your town’s most infamous denizen is none other than that crazy doctor who gave Michael Jackson all those drugs. Jackson’s cardiologist, a man named Conrad Curray who hails from our great city, was all over the covers of every newspaper and website this summer for giving Michael Jackson enough medication to put a small village in a coma. From what I can surmise from the minimal research I bothered to put into it, Dr. Curray was essentially hired by the Jackson clan from some one stop pill shop located above a Laundromat to write prescriptions for whatever Michael wanted. To say the doctor’s past is checkered with some financial and personal problems is like saying Tiger Woods likes strange. This summer on the front page of the Houston Chronicle they gave a timeline of the medications administered to Michael the day he died. Unless Dr. Curray got confused and thought he was trying to put down an elephant who accidently ate 10 pounds of crystal meth, there’s a pretty good chance he’s one of the worst doctors ever. It was reported this winter he is actually practicing medicine again in Houston. Super.

Steven Thompson

 Worst Timing for a Major Political Announcement
Bill White

Hundreds of people had signed up to attend departing mayor Bill White's formal announcement for a run at the Governor's Mansion when a very strange thing happened: Large white flakes of a mysterious substance later identified as frozen water--sometime referred to as "snow"-- began to fall from the sky. Perhaps as much as half an inch of this mysterious substance accumulated on the ground, paralyzing the city and setting off a wave of hysteria, as citizens everywhere attempted to create oblong snowballs and call then snow men. Even so, a few hardy souls showed up anyway to watch Mayor Bill announce his intention to try to trade up to "Governor Bill". After the back-to-back disgraces of George Bush and Rick Perry, it doesn't seem very likely that an actual human being might have a chance at governing Texas...but hell, it snowed in Houston--anything's possible.

M. Martin

Worst Bathroom
Mango’s/Numbers

The great cosmic joke is that these bathrooms are about 1/8th of a mile from each other meaning you can visit the 2 worst bathrooms in town in under 20 minutes. Poop at one and piss at the other? Mango’s bathroom gets the nod for it’s poorly done whiteboy graffiti, ‘inconsistency’ in toilet functionality, and a general eeriness in the cramped space. Numbers just has poop on the ceilings.

Honorable Mention- Walter’s on Washington (Does anyone know anyone who has been murdered in there?)

Omar Afra

Worst Last-Minute-Three-Pointer-From-Half-Court Attempt
US Congressman John Culberson, (7th District)

Congressman John Culberson, a long-time opponent of the Metro light rail University Line, made a last ditch effort to derail the train construction by sending a 14-page letter saying he is convinced that Metro can’t afford it to the Federal Transit Authority on December 8. Fortunately, the FTA informed Metro less than a week later that plan was chugging along into the Preliminary Engineering phase. The University line will stretch from the UH/TSU area to the Galleria and connect with the Main Street line.

Harbeer Sandhu

Worst Excuse for Public Transportation
The Washington Wave

Houston has perhaps the worst public transportation system of any major US city. We desperately need more bus routes, light rail routes, commuter options and most of all, safe bicycling options. Instead of the above we now have a new “Jitney” service running up and down Washington to shuttle drunk suburban socialites from one new crappy bar to another. What is this, The Philippines? If you are going to call it a Jitney, at least have the balls to decorate the thing like a proper jitney instead of a bus for special kids; but then again, those douchebags infesting Washington these days are pretty “special”.

Tish Stringer

Worst Professor
Professor O'Brien in the University of Houston History Department

The worst professor in the entire city of Houston is Thomas O'Brien in the University of Houston History department. At first glance, he might appear to be a valuable asset to the university -- a tenured Moore's professor who teaches multiple courses on topics such as Western Civilization, the History of the CIA in the Third World, and Pirates and Smugglers. He would truly be a great educator if it weren't for the fact that he uses his position to extort money from his undergraduate students. He clearly violates the code of ethics for both university faculty and Texas government employees by requiring not only that each student buy his book, but that they use that book (or pay a $40 fee) to gain access to his quizzes. Every student at UH pays a sizeable technology fee for the WebCT infastructure already, but O'Brien has been charging this surreptitious backdoor fee to guarantee astronomical royalty revenue for years now. His tenured status and closeness with those in the Liberal Arts and Social Science College has allowed him to get away with this, despite his explicit violation of numerous statutory codes. The best efforts of his students, the Student Government, and other professors have gone unheard. His unethical behaviors have reverberated throughout the university and stained the institution for all that educate and attend. For charging corrupt tribute payments for educational access, Thomas O'Brien is not only a scumbag, slimeball, and embarassment to UH, but 2009's Worst Professor in Houston.

Will Barrett

Worst Gentrification
Washington Avenue

For all the DWIs, drunken brawls, and general douchebaggery, this second coming of the Richmond Strip deserves its place among Houston's Worst of 2009. Despite a decent restaurant or two, sports bars and self-important clubs have taken over what used to be an interesting, diverse part of the city. It says a lot about what people in Houston consider important when a long stretch of road littered with bars doesn't include a single live music venue--and the one that's been there since before you'd even consider walking around the area at night (Walter's On Washington) is finally succumbing to the gentrification and is planning to move. While places like Catalina Coffee and A-Front keep hope alive, the stretch from Memorial Park to Sawyer is pretty much a total wash.

David A. Cobb

Worst Cell Service Provider
AT&T

The iPhone may be simple to use and has countless applications that do everything from counting calories to making obnoxious farting noises. However, 50% of the time in Houston, my iPhone is simply a useless, streamlined work of art sitting in the cup holder of my car. Countless times I have driven through Memorial Park, which is indeed a wooded oasis. However, it's location, smack dab in the middle of a large metro area, leads me to believe that cell service should be pristine. Yet I find myself constantly asking, "Can you hear me now?" Those 3 beeps are my answer. "Call failed." My iPhone appears to be proud of itself and now I'm just an idiot driving around talking to no one. I'd like to trap the CEO of AT&T Wireless on the 9th green of Memorial Park and stone him with golf balls and bask in his futile calls for help. Do you think there's an app for that?

Mills McCoin

Worst Sunday Night Happy Hour
RA Sushi

Do NOT consider RA Sushi to wrap up your Sunday Funday. Sure it sounds like a great concept, however, in reality, it is only a great if you enjoy expensive valet parking, a 2 hour wait, ridiculously loud rap and the worst people you can imagine. Their clothes alone would embarrass Ed Hardy himself. I'm not sure where said people come from; I assume they are bussing them in from a 979 area code. The music is offensively loud and I actually once witnessed two Texans-jersey-wearing grown men sharing a fishbowl-sized blue cocktail. The food is okay, but the atmosphere is crowded and these are not people you want to be touching. Follow the dragon shirts and their douche cars to another locale!
Jill Ford

Worst Collaboration by a Real Estate Agency and Corporate Giant to Make Houston Ugly
Weingarten Realty and Barnes and Nobel Bookstore

Weingarten Realty owns approximately 51% of Houston, which makes them feel like they can be total jerks to everyone else that lives here. They own both the River Oaks Shopping Center, and the Alabama theater, both built in the 1930's and examples of Art-Deco style that was popular at the time. Despite being some of the only examples of this architectural history of the city and country, Weingarten seems to be trying pretty hard to get them both demolished and turned into strip malls. When the Alabama theater closed in the eighties, it was eventually refurbished by Book-Stop, which was bought out by Barnes and Noble. This year, Weingarten ripped down part of the river oaks shopping center to build a new Barnes and Noble store. Barnes and Noble then decided to close the Bookstop inside the Alabama theater, and open up in their new building. While the Alabama location had the problem of being a unique and creative adaptation of a historical building that preserves Houston's history, The new location at Shepherd and West Gray has the asset of looking like a every other Barnes and Noble anywhere in the world, that is, a large box. Bit by bit, Weingarten will continue in their noble mission to make the whole city look like a giant strip mall.

Rob Block

Worst Bag of Shit Awards Process
94.5 Buzz Awards

This awards list is rife with a Who’s Who of shit mook rock bands. The nominations reads like the weekly schedule at Scout bar which is coincidentally the place which hosts the awards ceremony. Band names like ‘Saturate’, ‘Negative 263’, and ‘38 Caliber Hero’ scar the ballot.

Omar Afra

Worst Local Media Coverage of Houston’s (Currently) Most Successful Sports Team
Houston Dynamos

If Mike Jones’ Houston Dynamo (Don't Play) is the “official” Houston Dynamo anthem then I nominate Aretha Franklin’s Respect as their “unofficial” anthem. Soccer awareness is strengthening in our city but you would never know judging by the amount of TV and print coverage the Dynamo receives in comparison to our other major sports franchises. This is a particularly jagged pill for soccer fans to swallow since our team is the only team to have won trophies in this decade. What have our other teams accomplished? The Astros…please disperse, nothing to see here. The Texans…do I even need to go there? The Rockets…undeniably the second most successful sports team but is plagued by injuries and a sloppy season thus far.

Since their relocation to H-Town in 2006, the Dynamo has won two back to back MLS Cup championships, made the quarterfinals in 2008 and the semi-finals in 2009. How come the most media coverage the Dynamo can garner is when David Beckham and his perfectly sculpted coif decide to grace our presence at Robertson? Ok, we all know the answer to that question… but it still doesn’t make it right. Also not right is burying front page deserving articles in the back of the Chronicle next to columns about high school sports. And who does a sister have to blow for the Dynamo to receive more than ten seconds of air time on most local TV sports segments? After the Dynamo defeated the Seattle Sounders to advance to the semi-finals, I tuned into the local news for highlights and recaps. Unfortunately for me, I blinked and missed it. Come on Houston, we have a sports team that is hard working, talented and actually wins…. YOU BETTER RECOGNIZE!

To all the haters who will, predictably, opine that no one cares about soccer because it’s low scoring, boring, not a real sport, blah blah blah. Let me save you some time… here's a quarter, call someone who cares.

Anna Garza

Worst of Houston Anarchists
Almost all of them

If you are still retaining your "anarchistic" and "anti-authoritarian" credo of "Fuck the system, bring it all down, destroy everything", you obviously haven't learned anything about anarchy. Being anti-authoritarian means that if "The Man" or "The Oppressor", whoever that may be, is dishing out something to you, you question their intentions and motives, and bring light to the discrepancies. Well, news flash, "Authority" these days makes a bigger mess than any Anarchist ever could or will. "The Man" is dropping all of his old techno-shit into areas of India and the rest of the world deemed environmentally hopeless. BIG FUCKING MESS. If you were truly "anti-insert here", you would be the guy helping clean up at the end of the party, you'd be the guy not encouraging the destruction of locally-owned business' by writing all over everything (POOR grafitti at that!) or throwing your beer bottles everywhere you stand. Some PERFECT examples of Anarchy (in its TRUE anti-authority form) are folks like Fernando from Cop Warmth and Tom from DISSENT. These two cats make a bigger mess, and bring more destruction to wherever they perform or just arrive, that they could be considered health and environmental hazards. However, at the end of every DISSENT or Cop Warmth show, you will see these two picking up every shard of paper, beer bottle, or wasted flyer they or their crews have dropped. ANARCHY IS ALIVE AND WELL, JUST STEP IT UP--WE'RE MOVING INTO 2010, DOESN'T ANYONE REMEMBER DEMOLITION MAN?!

Shelby Hohl

Worst Deliverer of Change as Promised by a Harris County Elected Official
Adrian Garcia

Adrian Garcia ran for Harris County Sheriff as a reform candidate, promising to shake up the system and end the continuing scandals and human rights abuses that had been endemic under the administration of his
opponent Tommy Thomas. He promised professionalism and respect. Garcia said he would review Thomas' plan to join the 287(g) agreement with the federal government, an agreement made famous by Joe Arpaio of Phoenix Arizona, that allows local enforcement to enforce immigration law, and local taxpayers to foot the bill for a federal responsibility. Garcia's implication that he would review the program and was not excited about it lead immigrant rights advocates to volunteer heavily and block walk for his campaign. Once elected, Garcia's review of the 287(g) program resulted in his recommendation to the Harris County Commissioners to approve the program for a 3 year contract, which they did by a vote of 4 to 1. This program is such a bad idea that you don't have to look very far to find someone who will speak out against it. Care to comment Chief of Police Harold Hurtt? “Immigration enforcement by local police is counterproductive to community policing efforts. It undermines the trust and cooperation of immigrant communities, could lead to charges of racial profiling, and increases our response time to urgent calls for service,” A statement Hurtt made in Washington DC while serving as Houston's chief of police.

Beyond championing racial profiling and anti-immigrant hysteria, Garcia is proposing the construction of a new jail with more than 2,000 beds at the cost of more than a quarter billion dollars (in the middle of a recession, which does not include the costs to staff it). Such a proposal was one of the propositions presented to harris county voter in 2007 and it was the only one of six to be voted down.

Tommy Thomas was clearly a terrible human being; the Harris County jails under his watch were found to be unconstitutional for systematic violations of the human rights of folks locked up there, his systematic
surveillance and harassment of the Ibarra brothers resulted in a 1.7 million dollar settlement (our tax dollars) being paid out to them for unlawful arrest and destruction of property. So far, Adrian Garcia has
largely avoided systematic violations of human rights and lawsuits, but it would be great if he could set the bar a little higher to include not pandering to racists and not trying to build new jails when the voters had
explicitly said they don't want that.
Rob Block

Worst Political Misjudgment
Roy Morales running for Mayor of Houston

On paper it seemed like it could work: a pro-business, Conservative Hispanic candidate who doesn’t believe in global warming forges a coalition from the Tea Party movement and the growing Hispanic voting bloc to victory. Boy was he wrong. Apparently someone forgot to tell him that most of the people who are going to vote in a Houston mayoral race aren’t the ones who show up at Tea Party protests and that the ones who do show up at Tea Party events aren’t the type to work with Hispanics to build a winning coalition. Instead he winds up a distant fourth and we get the first openly gay mayor for any city over 2 million people. Perhaps if Morales had tried to run for Harris County Pct. 4 Commissioner against Jerry Eversole he could have won. Hell, anyone could run against Eversole and win. For those of you who don’t pay attention to politics Jerry Eversole was indicted 15 years ago by a Grand Jury for campaign spending violations and exposed two years ago by Channel 13 for getting paid by Harris County without actually going to work.

Alex Wukman

Worst Way to Spend Your Day
Waiting in Line at a Houston DPS Office

Show me the efficiency of your locally operated DPS facilities and I'll show you what your citizens are made of. If this is the case, then Houston is made up of a spineless people with endless spare time and patience. I think if there was a way to sell your soul instead of having to stand in line waiting for a new driver's license, Joel Osteen's congregation would triple in size. The fact that there is not a centralized DPS location is the first blatant symbol of the system's failure to meet our needs. Two of the seven local DPS offices are currently closed at the time of writing this and not one of the locations are ever fully or competently staffed to serve the population. A simple phone-in appointment hotline, much like the one the expedited passport office provides, would allow one to set a convenient time and date to show up without having to take a paper number and sit for hours, dignity slowly waning, in the institutional plastic torture devices they call 'chairs', hoping above all hopes that the Rapture takes place and numbers 18 through 184 ahead of you are all conservative Protesants.

PLEASE file a complaint about DPS- Survey: http://www.survey.utexas.edu/txdps/
DPS Customer Relations Representatives: Mimzie.Herklotz@txdps.state.tx.us (512) 424-2600
 
Andrea Afra

Worst Campaign Plank of Gene Locke
More cops on the street

I live in a predominately African-American neighborhood where we got campaign materials from Gene Locke and Peter Brown delivered to our door. I saw no evidence that Anise Parker made any effort to reach out to people in our neighborhood. So that seems like it would benefit Locke, except that the promotional strategy of Locke seemed to be “Look at me! I like cops, I will flood your neighborhood with lots and lots of cops.” It lists the top endorsement as the Houston Police Officers Union (the union that primarily works to defends every cop who beats or kills people), higher than Harris County AFL-CIO, higher than congress people and former mayors. He lists three major areas he will focus on: public safety (with a picture of police cars) economic development, and quality of life. It does mention education in a roundabout way “He will expand neighborhood policing and work to reduce criminal activity among our youth by keeping kids in school and off the street.” The lack of educational and job opportunities for young people has a solution. That solution appears to be law enforcement.

Locke working with anti-gay jerkwad Steven Hotze and appealing to homophobia is probably more disgusting, but being really really tight with HPD (the law enforcement agency whose tazer victims are 67% black, despite them only composing 25% of Houston's population), seems like a poor strategy in getting enthusiastic support from african american communities and the rest of us that are not fans of law enforcement.

Rob Block

Worst Houston Thai Massage Parlor
The Foursome on Winrock

This may come as a shock to some of you... but don’t go to just ANY Thai massage parlor, my friends. Treat yourself with some sense of respect. But that’s enough of me discussing morals and hygiene.

There’s a lagoon of “massage parlors” at the south end of Winrock in West Houston. One of them is appropriately named “CLINIC”, which I suppose would be the most sanitary of the four “massage parlors.” But as a collective, these are the worst massage parlors in Houston for two reasons. One, at the north end of Winrock (which might be a one mile in length) lies a monster known as Second Baptist Church. This is particularly unfortunate if you are a church-goer, as you might feel something called “guilt” by getting a rub n’ tug so close to “home.” The second reason is that this specific corral of sex dispensaries is heavily trafficked by Houston’s finest, HPD. My personal assumption is that these officers are simply sitting in the parking lot and waiting until no one is looking... if you know what I mean. In any case, it would be a little strange to be greeted by a cop as you’re leaving a brothel. “Good evening, officer.” “There’s nothing to see here, sir. Please move on.” “Are you kidding? That girl’s face is handcuffed to your cock!”

Mills-McCoin

Worst Thing to Happen to the Gay-berhood
Closing of Mary’s

The iconic Montrose Gay Bar closed its doors in October a victim of rising rent and unpaid taxes. The alternative lifestyle institution had been there for over 25 years and its closure came just weeks before the election of Houston’s first openly gay mayor, a revolution that wouldn’t have been possible if there hadn’t been a bar that was Here and Queer and forced people to get used to it. During the ‘80s, when AIDS was a plague and not something kids learn about on South African Sesame Street, Mary’s became a last resting place and living memorial for those who died from what many thought of as "the gay cancer." Houston’s LGBT caucus is working to get the names of everyone who had their ashes scattered on Mary’s patio and some factors in the group are working to get the bar protected as a historic building.

Alex Wukman

Worst Pad Thai
Khun Khay Thai Café

Mayonnaise in Pad Thai? No bueno. This re-invention of The Golden Room on Montrose focuses on ‘fast food Thai’ and they knock it out of the park on many dishes including the mock duck. But the Pad Thai is an exercise in expedience and mayonnaisey creamy mess. Think Ramen noodles with a hefty helping of Hellman's. Yuck.

Omar Afra

Worst Houston Sports Team
The Houston Astros

After reading this entry, if you disagree with anything I’ve written or you’re holding out your opinion until you find corroborative research- then look no further than Forbes magazine.

Drayton McLane, Jr. (the semi-proud owner of our beloved Houston Astros) actually has more money than George Steinbrenner (the retired owner of the New York Yankees). You can debate this if you like, but you’ll inevitably lose the the argument. It can be said that the New York Yankees organization purchased its 2009 World Series Championship by signing all of the top free agents during the prior off-season. And I don’t think a lot of baseball fans would disagree with you. As well, I think the idea of “purchasing” a World Series-winning team is distasteful and removes the quality of competition from the sport. But who cares? I’m talking about the fucking New York Yankees.

Where McLane fails constantly as the owner of the Astros is in his management of the team’s farm system. McLane has developed a reputation for drafting players and NOT SIGNING THEM. He’ll pay max dollars for over the hill veterans (i.e. Miguel Tejada, Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, etc.) but McLane refuses to open his purse for the future of HIS baseball team. What does this suggest to me? This refusal to spend money on the future tells me that Drayton McLane, Jr. is looking to SELL THE HOUSTON ASTROS. I love propaganda.

The Runner-Up award goes to the Houston Texans for raising ticket prices by 3.7% in an economic downturn just because they can.

Mills McCoin

Worst of Houston Mass Transit Systems
Bicycle Lanes

This, to some, may seem like a dead horse, however it's becoming dead or injured kids and pedestrians. In FPH July 2009, Shiraz Ahmed wrote a glorious article detailing the availability of mass transit via bicycles. In the article Ahmed states, "...1,200 cyclists commute to the Texas Medical Center everyday. Between 1998 and 2000, over a fourth of Texas's bicycle crashes occurred in and around Houston." This has not changed, as just this morning I was notified that a friend of mine had been hospitalized by a garbage truck in the Montrose area of Houston. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but, one thing we all live/move into the downtown/Montrose area for is an easier, less carbon-based commute to work or any destination, right? However, all I see happening is Mandell, near the West University area, under heavy construction for the last several months (and NO other streets). I hope they have Bike Lane paint in the back of all of those City of Houston trucks parked all over the white, newly-paved Richmond/Mandell intersection. Looking down Westheimer near the Dunlavy intersection, you have rows of cars practically un-moved, and parked on the inbound lane of traffic spanning from Hazard all the way to Mandell. I had actually forgotten that Westheimer was four lanes! Last time a car was left unattended where the owners OBVIOUSLY had no intention of moving it, the vehicle was towed under the guise of "abandonment". Rosenkavalier, #1, and all the rest of you on that side of Westheimer that allow this are, in fact, removing the only area cyclists would potentially have to ride if they needed to take to the street. REMEMBER, it is technically illegal for cyclists to ride on the sidewalk. Richmond is what, 6 lanes?! Sounds like a great place for a bike lane if you ask me! West Alabama, a lane in the middle of the road so the Admiral Linen Co. can make comfortable 3-point turns. Nice. Don't you think that lane would serve a greater purpose being split into two opposing bike lanes? With all the changes being made to our road and transit system on our dime, one would like to think that our "progressive" city would move towards catering to a reduction of a carbon footprint. We need cyclists in our city like asthma needs an inhaler. We have a horribly polluted "skyline" as a result of our ports, we push for "BIGGER" things in Texas, including vehicles, meaning more Hummers and F350s. If you have any conscious or intelligence AT ALL, you will beg for cyclists to ensure your children and grandchildren don't come out with 3 arms, 9 eyes, and respiratory infections. We're your only hope.

Shelby Hohl

Worst Waste of a Writer
Alex Wukman

Every year we do a similar category, or a variation thereof, and almost every year it goes to a reporter at the Houston Chronicle or Wayne Dolcefino. However, this year I need to face the facts. I dropped the ball. I was so busy commuting, drinking 843 Lone Stars, and going about my life that I failed to provide you, the readers of this paper, with the information required to make informed decisions about your daily lives. I failed my audience and my art. I didn’t do any articles on the mayoral race, I didn’t pay close enough attention to how your tax dollars are being spent, I didn’t let you know about who your elected officials are taking money from, I didn’t report on what the Texas Legislature was doing in Austin and I didn’t provide you information about resources you could have used to survive the worst economic climate in generations.

While I did provide interesting articles about Houston's history, electric car community and a recap of the problems at BARC, my writing this past year was not only irrelevant to the serious discussions necessary in the City of Houston and the State of Texas it was uninspired and uninspiring. None of my articles were the type of writing that you the readers expect, and deserve, from me. I will take responsibilty for turning in luke warm articles and offer the only explanation I can: I was instructed that if I do the type of journalism that you deserve I have been told that I will lose my job by my other employer. I let my fear of being unemployed compromise my integrity, and in that I failed you. I am sorry for that and I will not let it happen again.

Alex Wukman

State of Disunion

2010-01-05T17:54:00.000-08:00

By M. Martin
Image by Choon Hiong

In January of 2010, Barack Obama will deliver his first state of the union address. For various reasons it will be, for much of the audience, a somber occasion.

In particular, anyone who supported Obama's candidacy in hope that he represented leadership on behalf of real change will have good reason to be bitterly disappointed. Those who supported him as the least of several evils will have less cause for disappointment, but not much. At this point, the Obama Presidency appears to be the barest minimum course correction required to prevent the worst possible disasters that could result from the unmitigated disaster of the president who preceded him.

However, those who rejected and continue to reject Obama's legitimacy out of hand should rejoice. Obama's cautious incrementalism, outright abandonment of progressives, and even more outright capitulation to conservatives have given the Republican minority party far better odds going into the mid-term elections than they have any right to expect. Poll after poll shows the reactionary Right "fired up and ready to go" while progressives and left-leaning independents doubt they'll even bother voting. This sentiment is especially strong among the first time and returning voters who--at least temporarily-- swelled the ranks of the Democratic Party.

Who can blame them? They poured their hearts, their souls, and their dollars into the idea of Barack Obama....and all they got was a lousy T-shirt.

As we go into Obama's first anniversary as a sitting president dreading the possible return to power by the GOP, the temptation toward disillusioned withdrawal is great. But I believe the need is even greater to find a way past that disillusionment. Those who participated at any level in the grass-roots movement to elect Barack Obama as president have plenty of reason to feel disillusionment and remorse, but they also have much cause for ongoing pride-- because they did make a difference... and they still can.

Let there be no mistake about this: the less than 1% of this country's population that controls more than 90% of it's wealth can and does influence the outcome of this country's electoral process. Let there also be no mistaken belief that these power brokers intended for Barack Obama to become President. Anyone who believes that has either conveniently forgotten the "Perils of Pauline" nature of Obama's candidacy or is willing to believe in conspiracies of supernatural scope and power. Obama became President in spite of the "Powers That Be", not because of them....in no small measure as a consequence of Internet-fueled grassroots progressive activism. But the gratitude of politicians is not much different from the gratitude of princes. Once elected, Obama was free to pursue whatever agenda he pleased. That agenda presently seems to be the pursuit of the same empty dream of empire and militarism that deluded George W. Bush.

Given the demonstrated power of the "Netroots" and given the disappointing results so far of the application of that power, what conclusions are there to be drawn... and what constitutes a logical course of action? Giving up is not an option. However skillfully Obama may've appropriated the anxieties and urgencies felt in this country, he did not invent them. This country and the civilization it leads are in a state of extraordinary peril. Anyone who plans to be alive or have children that will be alive in the mid to late 21st century-- and has any care for the quality of that life-- has an obligation to act. But first and foremost, they have an obligation to pick the scope and appropriate theater for their actions.

In view of this last election cycle and its results, it seems increasingly evident that "appropriate theater" is no longer national public policy. There is too much inertia and resistance to change at the national level, too little commitment to change on the part of national political figures. Even those who enter office with some thought of challenging the status quo, as Obama seemed prepared to do, are soon worn down by the immense and thankless effort of changing anything.

But also, there is also too little commitment to common purposes and values in the country at large. A common trope in Obama speeches is the idea of "perfecting our union"-- but in reality, after half a century of every possible social, cultural, racial, and religious difference being exploited for short-term political gain, there is neither union nor unity. Getting people to agree in opinion polls that the country is going the wrong way is easy; getting agreement on what constitutes the "right way" is almost impossible.

Perhaps it is time to stop trying.

The agrarian republic blueprinted in the U.S. Constitution has been gone a long time, although what's left of it is used as a convenient facade by the corporatist industrial oligarchy that took its place. Although this country was ethnically and culturally diverse from its inception (far more than "nativist" bigots like Lou Dobbs and Sarah Palin will ever be informed enough to admit), it at least formerly shared a common commitment to rule of law and the responsibility of citizens. That's gone now. What binds this semblance of a country together is greed, self-interest and complacency. The corporate ownership class buys off the rest of us by making sure there are just enough discounted wide-screen TVs in just enough Walmarts that just enough Americans will accept with indifference the homeless and sick and abused among us--or worse, accept the insidious notion that their misfortune is somehow their own fault. The misfortune sewn abroad by our rulers is accepted with even greater complacency, as any close examination of the lies used to justify wars of conquest becomes a de facto act of treason.

It's time to give up on the idea that America as a nation can be reformed, much less "perfected". Barack Obama was our last, best hope to halt the slide into corporate fascism that had accelerated into a freefall plunge under Bush--but he wasn't good enough, and now he's a "War President", too. The disease of empire has infected the American body politic. Whether or not the disease might've once been curable is now besides the point. All that now can be done is to let the disease runs its course... and do what can be done to limit the damage. If history teaches us anything, it is that empires inevitably overextend themselves and fail, leaving the nations and communities formerly under their dominion free to build anew. The United States is not exempt from that logic. This is not a call for the dismantlement of the United States (paradoxically, only those on the far Right even seem to believe such calls necessary), merely a recognition that our national political institutions are in a state of failure.

Those who believed passionately in Obama's candidacy of change should not be disheartened by this failure, nor should they give up on the idea that they can make their world a better place. What they should do, I think, is focus their energies and commitment within their own communities and their own states. Work together but work locally, and take advantage of modern communications technology to coordinate their efforts. In so doing, they should assume the failure extends to national political parties, and resist the unrealistic assumption that "third parties" (Greens, Libertarians, whatever) can be elevated into a credible alternatives without falling prey to the same shortcomings and the corruption by corporatist special interests. What is called for is not a party, but a movement.

This is work that can be begun right now, in any community that has the will and the vision to carry it out. This country is in a terrible state of disunion, distrust, and disarray. But it is no less possible than at any time since America began to build from this disunion toward a more human and humane and just society. Let me conclude by wishing to all a happy new year and a happy new decade--and, because it is certainly not too late to do so-- wish to all of humankind a truly new and better millennium.

If 'He Fails'...

2009-10-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

By M. Martin

It is perhaps time to ask what, exactly, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, et. al. are really hoping for when they advocate the failure of Barack Obama's presidency--particularly when their anti-advocacy has managed to gin up the most virulent right-wing paranoia and hysteria this country has seen since The Sixties. In less than six months, this country has gone from the transformative uplift of seeing our first African-American President take the oath of office to seeing that president virtually stalked by gun-toting vigilantes--and seeing the reform agenda that swept him into office stalled out and seemingly failed already.

Certainly, some measure of blame rests with the President and his advisers. Whatever platform they run on, all presidents hew to what they perceive as the county's political center once elected. In ordinary times, that's probably a good strategy for re-election (if not for governance). In Barack Obama's case the move was swift and--to many of his supporters-- disturbingly thorough. Many on the left had projected onto Obama their own political desires and felt a sense of betrayal when Obama turned out to be exactly what anyone who had looked past the speeches into his thin resume as a public servant would have seen: a slightly left of center pragmatist whose ideology has been every bit as fluid as his racial identity.

When Obama stocked his cabinet and staff with Clinton-era retreads and retained a small but significant number of Bush's economic and military advisers, it only surprised those who had not been paying attention--but given that the vast majority of U.S. voters do not "pay attention" to anything beyond the two or three issues they actually care about, the Obama team certainly should've foreseen that The President would lose support from his core electoral constituency. They probably did foresee it, and assumed they would make up for it with support from those who had not supported Obama in the election--the people to whom Obama promised in his inaugural address that he would "be your President as well." In other words, they expected to pick up support from the country's political center... just like every other newly-elected president. In that, they miscalculated--badly.

These are not ordinary times and Obama is not an ordinary president. The coalition that elected a relatively inexperienced man with a complicated racial heritage--in this perpetually race-complicated country-- could only have existed in the aftermath of the utter debacle that was the Bush Era. Obama's election did not so much represent a turning point in America's political maturity as it did the absolute moral and policy bankruptcy of every other leadership option being offered to the electorate. Being the least of all possible evils in the worst of times does not constitute a mandate, regardless the electoral map. Further setting these times apart from the past is that the political center that Team Obama hoped to turn to really no longer exists. It has been eroded away, just like the American middle-class has been eroded away by GOP economic policies, by a generation of Republican political operatives willing to exploit social and cultural differences for short-term gain. The only support Barack Obama can hope for are those worked to elect him. Virtually everyone else is in the camp of his implacable enemies.

Therein, that camp of implacable enemies, lies the other complication that makes the current era different and frightening. The speed with which the minority party has been able to build up opposition to what is, really, an extremely moderate agenda (Richard Nixon proposed more progressive Healthcare reforms than has Obama) is impressive. It's also scary. It's also irresponsible. The time-honor litmus test for the limits of protected speech has always been the common good. You don't have the right to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater. I think that it's about time to apply that principle to the Becks, Limbaughs, Palins and other latter-day Father Coughlins--hopefully before someone (most likely The President) gets hurt. I think it's also way past time to ask these people what they really want--and if they've given any thought to the consequences of really getting it.

Let's take them at their words and at their deeds. Let's just suppose, for a moment, that what they really want is for Barack Obama to 'fail'--to be a one-term president who falls short of carrying out his agenda, possibly losing his life in the process to what will be described after the fact as a "lone gunman". OK, great. Obama 'fails'. What then?

Well, if one of these nutcases really does managed to shoot Obama, they either destroy their movement or save his presidency, depending on whether or not they manage to kill him. If the would-be assassin's aim is no better than John Hinckley's, Barack Obama's standing as the Democratic equivalent to Ronald Reagan would pretty well be cemented. It is safe to say that the country would come to it's senses, and the ensuing backlash might even put Fox News out of business. But as wonderful as that might be, I'm not about to ask Obama to take one for the team. Even though the people who show up at 'Tea Parties' don't seem to be any more firmly rooted in reality than the guy who wanted to date a barely-legal Jodie Foster, guns are what these nutcases obsess over. More likely than not, anyone who gets that far is probably going to succeed. If that happens, Barack Obama becomes the biggest political martyr in history and the Republican Party--thanks to their failure to distance themselves from gun-toting loonies--becomes permanently associated with crazy white people who solve problems with violence (OK, they already are that...). Fox News goes out of business, takes the GOP with them, and gives every argument against any progressive agenda for the rest of the century an irrefutable counter-argument... is that really what you want, Mr. Limbaugh?

Having gotten that out of my system, I'm going to take a deep breath and assume that the Secret Service operatives that have been protecting Obama since he declared his candidacy are actually good at their job --and that any would-be assassin is more likely to achieve martyrdom than The President. Let's just say that Barack Obama winds up being a replay of Jimmy Carter--a nice, well-meaning guy who's really too smart and decent to run a foul business like the U.S. Government. What happens then?

Well, for starters, all those first-time and returning voters who were energized by Obama's candidacy probably drop back out of politics and stay out, coming to the conclusion that it's a rigged game and they'd rather stay home with the x-box or PlayStation, where they at least get to win some of the time. This means that the Republican base, still energized by the desire to turn back the clock to either 1950 or 1850 (or maybe 1350...some of these people are pretty conservative), remains a dominant force in politics, which continues to be played by the Karl Rove playbook of scorched-earth tactics and razor-thin margins. In that scenario, the possibility of someone like Mike Huckabee or Sarah Palin becoming President gets a lot more credible, and Mitt Romney's stock goes way the hell up.

At that point Obama's election becomes a fluke, and the country goes back to the status quo ante of corporatist elites bamboozling an increasingly uneducated permanent underclass into perpetually voting against their own interests and perpetually fighting and dying in wars that benefit no one without a portfolio of oil company stocks. None of the real concerns that Obama was elected to address are dealt with. An unregulated stock market manages to create yet another cataclysmic failure. Global climate change continues to ravage the planet and the country. People continue to be bankrupted and exploited for having the nerve to get sick and expect better treatment than a used-up plow horse. More and more people have less and less future... and they know it. What happens then?

I think that, at some point, it becomes obvious to anyone with even the cursory education most Republicans find adequate that this country no longer works... and no longer deserves their allegiance. I do not know if we will ever see the formal breakup of the United States envisioned by the various Separatist Movements in places like Texas and Alaska, but I think it highly possible that there will come a day when no one looks to the Federal Government of The United States for anything that is likely to improve upon or enrich their lives. When that day comes, it will not merely be right-wing nutjobs that refuse to pay their taxes. It will be a lot of people. It wasn't lead plumbing or barbarian hordes that really brought down The Roman Empire--it was the fact that it had gotten too big, unwieldy, and inefficient to either enforce obedience or earn loyalty. Anyone who thinks that lesson fails to apply to The United States is mistaken-- self-serving notions of American Exceptionalism notwithstanding.

For all his faults, Barack Obama was the best choice this country had in the last election and remains the best hope we have for anything approaching progressive reform. That statement comes with a lot of caveats, not least of which is that it's a pretty flawed political system that leaves us with such few and poor choices. But that fact does not exculpate Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Michelle Bachmann and all the other loudly self-professed 'patriots' from the fundamentally treasonous and hypocritical act of conspiring against a newly-elected president, fomenting what could yet evolve into armed insurrection, defending calls for the dismantlement of the Federal Union, and-- worse--serving as pitchmen for a corporatist feudal oligarchy that is already corroding the country from the inside out.

I don't know if the theater's really on fire, but that really is smoke I'm smelling...and it really is time for these clowns to shut the hell up.

Pimp This Bum: It's not what you think

2009-10-06T18:53:00.001-07:00

Tim Edwards works to bring more attention to PimpThisBum.com

How a local website has changed the face of the fight against homelessness

By Andrea Afra

"I'm back in the fight. I'm tired of laying down. I'm tired of giving up. This life, it's worth fighting for. It's worth fighting for."

After starting an internet marketing company, Ascendgence, Kevin and Sean Dolan, a father and son team, decided to prove their effectiveness by creating a campaign to show that they could successfully drive attention to wherever they targeted. Their new project: PimpThisBum.com. They knew the name would induce visions of bum fights or worse, and either piss people off or make them laugh, but either way, it would stay in their minds.

"We knew that the same campaign with a sincere appeal, and a website like 'helpthehomeless.com' would be ignored. We knew that if we insulted people’s sensitivity or appealed to their humor on a subject as sensitive as this, we would get their attention," says Kevin Dolan, the father portion of the team.

Growing up as an Eagle Scout, his son Sean had always been active in the charitable sense, and while they were initially going to use a local Katy business as their case study, Sean had a different idea. And within a few months it was a success with 2.5 million visitors to the site. Their first recruit was a man named Tim Edwards. I watched the documentary style video on the homepage and saw a man who was humorous yet poignant, with a full beard, kind eyes, and a soft matter of fact voice, who seemed to be wanting nothing more than a chance to change his circumstances. In a losing battle against depression and alcoholism, he had found himself homeless and begging for money, a life he had lived for five years before PimpThisBum.com found him. After gaining news coverage, both locally and nationally, Tim has a new lease on life. Through the site they soon raised over $50,000 and the Sunray Treatment Center in Washington allowed Tim to enter their recovery program free of charge.

Tim and his friend Bobby, also once homeless, have redefined 'success'

It's the night before he leaves for therapy. Tim is sitting on the bed of a motel room, looking into a red heart-shaped compact mirror while he shaves off his long overgrown beard. Over the buzz of the electric razor he says with determination, ""I'm back in the fight. I'm tired of laying down. I'm tired of giving up. This life, it's worth fighting for. It's worth fighting for."

After he is freshly shaved, head and all, the Dolans read a letter to Tim from a man who had seen the news coverage and thought he might be his long lost cousin. Tim's mother and father had split up when he was just a small boy and though he lived with his mother, they too found themselves homeless for some time. She passed away several years ago, before he became homeless, and with all of his family gone, there was no one left to let down. The letter said his father had passed away a few years back, but there was still a big family left in Missouri and Tennessee and they all missed him. There is footage of his reunion with his father's family, including an uncle and aunt and a brood of little cousins. He also met his father's best friend who gave him his father's old harmonica.

"Bandmaster De Luxe Chromatic," he says with a sad smile holding it up for the camera.

After six weeks in rehab he returned to Houston and started hosting a nightly live web chat show online and on his 38th birthday the PTB chatroom folks bought him a new laptop. There is footage of this too and it is by far one of the most touching moments hearing him say that it was his best birthday ever.

I spoke with Sean, who lives with Tim at an extended stay motel. Tim now has job working as a machinist and carpenter and recently completed a project building scale models for an oil industry trade show. He is receiving life coaching courtesy of Balance Health and Wellness Center and with help from the donations, one of Tim's homeless friends, Bobby, has also taken control of his own life and found a job as a barista at a local cafe. They are celebrating their first paychecks together with a party at Cafe Cafe on the west side.

The last shot in the video is of Tim sitting at his newly found cousin Deb's house in Nashville, where he stayed for three months after his stint in rehab. He is sitting on a bench outside of a garden home. It is a beautiful day with flowers in bloom and birds chirping noisily over his low voice.
He looks healthy and handsome, with a jaw that looks strong enough to crush rocks. Wearing a crisp button down and slacks, he is speaking directly to other homeless people like him, but his advice is sage enough for anyone to heed.

"Don't give up. God made the way, but I had to actually do the work. I had to get up and start walkin'. Now I get to walk into the sunset and face new challenges."
And he is no longer alone as he meets new challenges, as he now has a cheer section of millions of friends and fans across the nation.

Meet Tim and Sean live and join the conversation Monday-Friday at 8pm central and Saturdays at 12pm at www.PimpThisBum.com

For more information and how you can be a part of this success story please visit
visit PimpThisBum.com, a non-profit charity

Electric Lazyland : Electric Cars in Houston and a response by Rick Ehrlich of Houston Electric Car

2009-09-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

by Alex Wukman

Erik Ibarra walks into Coffee Groundz on a Saturday morning in his customary black polo embroidered with the Rev Houston logo and a ball cap. Ibarra and his brother, Justin Jones, started Rev Houston in April 2008--the same month that Ibarra and his brother Sean Ibarra accepted a settlement from Harris County.
In 2004 the brothers sued the county and the sheriff’s department, stating that their civil rights were violated when sheriff’s deputies stormed their home, arrested them and seized film after they photographed a deputy during a drug raid at a neighbor’s home. The suit was settled for $1.7 million.
Ibarra says that he was attending a sports event when he saw electric shuttles (they look like stretch golf carts) and became inspired, so he and Jones decided to start a company transporting people through downtown and midtown for tips. They went before Mayor Bill White and City Council to explain what they were doing.
“The mayor said ‘We look forward to permitting you. We think that plug in electric cars are the wave of the future,’” says Ibarra.
Six weeks after Rev Houston started, though, they received a ticket for operating a taxi without a license. Ibarra feels that the city has cowed to pressure from the taxi companies.
“Taxi companies feel that that we are such a threat that we have to be ticketed,” says Ibarra as he takes a sip from his coffee, “but the last thing we wanted to do when we started this company was compete with cabs.”
Raymond Turner, president of Yellow Cab Houston, states that he and his company have not put undue pressure on the city to ticket Ibarra.
“All we’ve done is ask the city to enforce existing ordinance, these vehicles are clearly vehicles for hire,” says Turner. Since Ibarra is running a company that hires out vehicles, he should be held to the same standard as any other taxi company. “The ordinance requires things like a sign on the top, a meter and doors,” says Turner.
None of Ibarra’s electric cars have signs marking them as taxis; nor do they have meters, or even doors. Ibarra feels that they don’t need meters because they don’t charge their riders a fare--they only accept tips. Not everybody agrees with him, though. Tina Paez, the city’s Deputy Director of Administration and Regulatory Affairs told the Houston Chronicle that since Rev Houston’s drivers accept tips, they are taxis and fall under the taxi ordinance.
The ordinance also requires that taxi cabs have fire extinguishers, something Ibarra finds ridiculous.
“We don’t even have any flammable fuel onboard,” says Ibarra.
Turner isn’t concerned with the fact that Ibarra’s drivers use electric cars, he just wants them to follow the rules.
“We’re not out trying to make life difficult for people, [but] the Rev Houston vehicles look like taxi cabs to us and to the city,” says Turner. Since the city has decided to regulate the taxi cab industry they need to regulate every taxi vehicle—electric or not. To Turner, the issue isn’t about the city favoring big businesses over small or not encouraging green vehicles; it’s about being equal under the law. “If the city is going to take this position that they are going to regulate this industry they have to regulate the entire industry.”
Ibarra counters that being equal under the law isn’t possible when the system is set against you. Ibarra stated that getting a taxi permit in Houston is difficult, because the permit price isn’t sent by the city, it is set by the cab companies. The barriers to entry are too high to start a cab company,.
Turner is unconvinced.
“Without a permit,” he says, “Rev Houston is flagrantly breaking the law without getting punished. It’s like not ticketing every third person that runs a red light, just because.”
The thing is, Rev Houston’s drivers are getting ticketed. Ibarra and his drivers have been ticketed over 15 times this year, with citations ranging from $150 to $200. Paez also told the Chronicle that the city’s regulatory investigators have been instructed to ticket Rev Houston’s vehicles on sight. An attempt was made to contact Paez, but she had not responded by press time.
For Rick Ehrlich and Dale Brooks of the Houston Electric Automobile Association (HEAA) the lack of interest from the city is nothing new. Ehrlich runs an electric car dealership a block behind Warehouse Live and has lobbied the city to embrace 100 percent electric vehicles for some time.
“Every city that’s worth a shit has some electric cars in their fleet,” said Ehrlich.
According to James Tillman, an employee in the city’s General Services Division, the city does have 550 gasoline electric hybrids in its fleet, which is the third largest hybrid fleet in the nation. A July 2008 press release from the mayor’s office stated that the city aims to have 1,500 hybrid vehicles in its fleet by 2010. While 550 hybrid vehicles in the city’s fleet is impressive, for Ehrlich it’s nothing to crow about.
The hesitation comes from the fact that there are over 12,000 vehicles in the city’s fleet, approximately 2,000 of which are passenger cars. According to Ehrlich, the city has a written policy to replace 10 to 15 percent of their passenger car fleet every year.
“They are supposed to get most economic car to operate, and for the past several years, the most economic car to operate have been hybrids,” Ehrlich wrote in an e-mail. He added that if the city had not bought hybrids, it “would have been a clear violation of long time policy.”
However, according to a description of a program posted by Tillman on the Project Get Ready website, the city is finally joining the electric car revolution. Tillman wrote that the City of Houston “will commit to purchasing over 300 all-electric vehicles for delivery in late 2010.”
Currently, the city has a pilot-program in partnership with Reliant Energy in which 15 Toyota hybrids will be converted to plug-in Hybrid Electric Vehicles. The converted vehicles will then be used as vehicles in the city’s fleet.
Project Get Ready is a different program, run by the Rocky Mountain Institute, that partners cities throughout the country with private companies to create the infrastructure needed for plug in electric vehicles. Tillman’s description states that while studying the converted Toyotas, the city will build “a 1:1 charging infrastructure for these vehicles and two home charging stations,” and that the vehicles will be equipped with monitoring devices and “multiple charge station vendors will contribute to city owned facilities.” Tillman goes on to state that after the initial roll out of the pilot program, the city will begin installation of 100 charging stations around the area, in city-owned facilities such as libraries and parks. The city’s plan also relies on persuading other governmental agencies and municipalities—as well as non-governmental organizations like the Greater Houston Partnership, private businesses, and real estate developer—to install charging stations and commit to purchasing electric vehicles.
“The city will also explore creating level-three charging station infrastructure on the interstate highways between major cities in Texas,” wrote Tillman. Tillman’s description stated that the City of Houston plans on working with major cities to ensure residents can “drive their electric vehicles from town to town and have places to charge.”
Tillman recognizes the inherent difficulty of convincing the population of the petrochemical capital of the country that electric cars are the way to go.
“The challenge of bringing electric vehicles to the city [of Houston] is more than just creating an infrastructure of charging stations,” he writes on the website, “it is overcoming a mindset.”
Unfortunately Tillman’s program description has no timetable for implementation or budget attached to it.

Response by Rick Ehrlich of Houston Electric Car

It is great whenever one of our Houston newspapers writes about electric car use in Houston, and we appreciate that Free Press Houston published such an article in September 2009.
At the same time, we do point out a few things seen differently in our perspective- re REV unofficial Taxi company--- the Yellow Cab CEO's statements seemed very disingenuous--- of course REV would put signs and meters on their taxis IF the City would allow them to be taxis, the real problem is the City doesn't allow it, and needs to change a half century old rather corrupt law still requiring internal combustion engines in Houston taxis, passed to keep the bike and horse-drawns out. And on the City government's progress with e-cars, really there isn't any. Many people confuse hybrids (such as the Toyota Prius) with all electric cars-- but they are very different, the hybrid guzzles gas at about half the rate of a good SUV, while the actual electric car NEVER uses gas, period. A chart in the FPH article made Houston appear to be USA's leader in electric cars, actually it is the leader in hybrids which is commendable, but Houston is tied for last place so far in electric cars, with zero. The August entry of Houston's city government into the "Project Get Ready" website sounds very promising, and we strongly hope it is more than a futuristic expression of something like a vacation on Venus. While the City's James Tillman sounds quite sincere saying they absolutely are buying 300 highway speed electric cars next year, readers should know: (a) there is no such highway speed e-car today except the prohibitive Tesla, (b) nobody really knows when they will exist, or be priced within reason, (c) ordinarily the City must get multiple bids before they can buy anything, (d) 300 cars would be an unusually huge order for the City for any kind of car, (e) none of the Mayoral candidates had heard of this development in recently conducted interviews by the HEAA, and (f) only within the last several months, Mayor White declined trying a pilot program for just a few electric cars in the fleet according to Councilman and Candidate Peter Brown, who is also head of the City's Sustainable Growth Committee. Speaking of the HEAA's interviews, your reporter was given the summary and detail of them maybe too late to include, but after fair and meticulous interviews of all Mayoral candidates, Annise Parker was endorsed by HEAA as by far the most knowledgeable and progressive candidate on renewable energy and e-cars, and she actually signed a pledge of action on this, as reported in the Houston Chronicle online 9/1/09. We do hope the City government will be a booster of the only clean cars that exist in reality or theory, the ones which make no exhaust pollution--- all-electric cars. They are clean, they are cheaper to operate, they help towards US' energy independence goal, they won't hurt the oil companies one bit, they are the future.

Very truly,

Rick Ehrlich, GM
Houston Electric Cars
www.houstonelectriccars.net

5 Things I Want From the Next Mayor of Houston

2009-07-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

by Jay Crossley

1. Better transportation planning 2. Emphasis on sidewalks 3. Return general mobility funding to METRO 4. RSS feeds 5. The mayor needs to read the Free Press Houston

On November 3, 2009, you will vote for your pick for the next Mayor of Houston. This person will guide the city for the next two to six crucial years in our region’s development into a major global metropolitan region for the 21st Century. Because our city is so young, we have the opportunity to do many things right, to build a city of the future as we grow instead of retrofitting the city of the past. Also, as Dr. Stephen Klineberg at Rice University so eloquently says, we are a microcosm of what America will look like at the middle of the 21st Century, a racial and ethnic (and sexual and political) melting pot. He believes that how we learn to live together and to prosper from our diversity will be a test bed of how the nation changes over the coming decades.

Many are calling the national, global, and local crises we face today a perfect storm of economic collapse and rapid change, deteriorating climate, and radical demographic and political changes. It is the blessing of the millennial generation to be born into times of unthinkable challenges at every possible level of endeavor. We have no time to waste. Houston must come to terms with the long awaited free market reforms that will happen some time during the Obama administration to properly account for environmental damages within the market system. Houston must learn to flesh itself out in a world of declining dependence on fossil fuels and the end of the subsidized suburban home and commute.

The next Mayor of Houston must at least understand these changing forces and be excited about leading us – all the crazy different parts of us – into a greener, cleaner, and fairer future while working for a more accessible and robust economy at the same time. The next mayor must fix, defend, and empower METRO so that we can get on with it and build the nation’s most efficient light rail system, and then work with our neighbors on a regional transit system that makes sense. The next mayor must allow and encourage the development of dense urban areas that give the option of living a low-carbon lifestyle throughout the city while respecting existing neighborhoods and empowering communities to participate in guiding growth in their areas.

So, basically, whether its going to be Annise, Gene, Peter, Roy, or even the recently rumored to be joining the race, Sylvester, the next Mayor of Houston is going to have a tremendous amount on his or her plate at a pivotal time in the development of our young metropolis. And while they’re at it, they’re going to have to collaborate with the rest of the growing urban areas of Texas that are all part of the emerging global power, the Texas Triangle Megaregion, to build high speed rail to connect Houston to Austin, San Antonio, and Dallas, plan for water and agricultural resources to support the megaregion forever, and find more efficient ways to move stuff around from the Port of Houston.

To help the next Mayor of Houston out, the Houston Area Table (H.A.T.) – of which I am on the steering committee – will be hosting a mayoral forum in August and an event to precede this forum in July for progressives from all over the city to gather and talk about what we want the next mayor to do. To get things started, here’s a list of five things I want the next mayor to get going right away. I look forward to hearing your five requests and hope that together we can better inform this mayoral race of what Houstonians want for their future.

1. Better transportation planning. Currently, City of Houston transportation planning – the most significant planning for our future – is done by the Department of Public Works and Engineering and this isn’t right. PW&E employees do a terrific job of engineering, but they are not planners. Other cities across the country have realized this mistake and have moved the transportation, mobility, and access planning function back into their Planning Department, while leaving the solutions about how to get the job done up to the engineers, and that needs to be done here.

2. Emphasis on sidewalks. The City of Houston has done a poor job of establishing a safe pedestrian space throughout the city for all our citizens – notably for our elderly, children, and handicapped, but also for all Houstonians who need real walkable options just to not be so darned fat (myself included). While the City accepts its role in providing mobility to those choosing to drive, how can it deny such service to the 40% of Houstonians who don’t have a car? I don’t know what mechanisms will best begin to improve walkability, but the next mayor needs to make it a priority to figure it out.

3. Return general mobility funding to METRO. A majority of Houstonians, as shown in Dr. Klineberg’s Houston Area Survey (www.houstonareasurvey.org) believe that improving transit is the most important way to deal with our congestion problems and believe that rail is a key component of our future transit system. One-fourth of the money that Houston voters devoted to transit at the creation of METRO was taken away by Mayor Bob Lanier and every year is handed to the cities within METRO’s service area, to do with as they please. Minister Robert Muhammad has estimated that this transfer has cost the Houston region $5 billion worth of transit funding, more than the total estimated cost of the 2012 light rail system we are building right now. Whether or not METRO was a corrupt, wasteful agency at that time deserving of attack is a subject for the history buffs. Our growing metropolis cannot stand another year of the silly, outdated, abusive view of our transit agency, and step #1 is to return the missing 25 cents of our sales tax money to transit, instead of using it to plug holes in city budgets or reduce property taxes for some.

4. RSS feeds. The city has a huge website but none of it seems to have the power of RSS feeds. Suppose you are interested in reading the mayor’s press releases. Say you want to read the City Council agenda before the meeting. Or maybe you’re interested in the sustainable growth committee and want to know when they have a meeting and what’s on the agenda. All these things are added regularly to the website and they should all have RSS feeds. It should be easy for citizens to follow basic things happening with the city to effectively participate, and RSS is a simple, cheap step in that direction that allows citizens to follow those things they find important.

5. The mayor needs to read the Free Press Houston. And the River Oaks Examiner and houston.indymedia.org, bloghouston.net, swamplot.com, handsuphouston, houstontomorrow.org and whatever underground news source reflects the Vietnamese community? Or bike activists? Or the transgender community? Houston is a dynamically changing and growing city with many diverse subcultures and thriving youth cultures. The next mayor needs to meet these people and understand what they want from their city and what they plan to give of themselves for their city. Of course, by “the mayor needs to read,” I mean an intern needs to read these things.

Jay Blazek Crossley does program development and research at Houston Tomorrow, a charitable nonpartisan nonprofit dedicated to improving the quality of life in the Houston region. For more information and to sign up for our weekly email newsletter, please see www.houstontomorrow.org.

Please join us at Mango’s (403 Westheimer Rd) on Tuesday, July 14, 2009 from 6 to 9 pm for a progressive happy hour to discuss what you want from the next Mayor of Houston. Also, please add your list of 5 things you want from the next Mayor of Houston in the comments.

Uneasy Rider: Bicyclist Safety in Houston

2009-07-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

By Shiraz Ahmed
Artwork by Michael C. Rodriguez

When I was a boy of eight, I jumped in the cage and joined the Ultimate Fighting Championship. At the age of 12, my parents had to call security because they discovered I had climbed into a pit with eight live tigers; by the time the guards got there only I was alive. I frequently enjoy the company of El Salvadorian MS-13. You could say I'm a bit of a thrill-seeker so much so that the lure of escaping Death's cold, bony hands gives me a rush drugs can't mimic. But recently I undertook a challenge that I'm afraid might be too much for even me to handle: I threw down for a bicycle and took it for a spin in our fair town. I've never really appreciated the value of life until I was run off the road by the SUV on my tail.
It's no secret that Houston is notorious for being a dangerous place for any vehicle not running on diesel. While cycling has been viewed by those whose eyes are hooked on their speedometers as a mere past time or pleasure, growing numbers of commuters and day-to-day cyclists have said "no!" to the gas pump and flooded the narrow bike lanes painted on the sides of streets. Now 1,200 cyclists commute to the Texas Medical Center everyday. Between 1998 and 2000, over a fourth of Texas's bicycle crashes occurred in and around Houston. Growing numbers of riders on two-wheels indicates a need for the right infrastructure to support them and the right legislation to protect them.
It took me a while to root out the problem, but I finally did it while buying my first ever bicycle from City Planner for the Energy Corridor and bike aficionado Clark Martinson. "The streets were designed to move cars, [the system's] autocentric," said Martinson, who in fact cycles the ten mile commute to work every day. Rather than undergo the entire revamping of the whole system, Martinson suggested a couple of baby steps. Driver's Education would be the first and most important step to make Houston safe for bicyclists. The hostile attitude that motorists show cyclists is caused by motor-vehicle drivers not knowing the extent of a cyclists' rights. Little known fact: Bicycles are regarded in the eyes of the law as any other vehicle on the road. Face it; my Schwinn equals your Hummer. Cyclists have a right to use the regular traffic lanes and are entitled to be treated as any auto-dwelling motorist as long as they signal appropriately and obey all lights and signs. "I'm a driver of a vehicle that behaves just like a car," said Martinson, and as such should be treated in the same regard.
Locally owned Blue Line Bike Lab is another supporter of "taking your lane." As stated on their website, "It’s not a privilege to ride your bike in the street, it’s your right. In fact, it’s the law. The area near the curb is where all of the water and road debris collects, and in many more progressive places it’s what is known as 'the gutter.'" So goes Houston's bike lanes on the sides of streets, a classic example of a solution being the cause of more problems. "I would clean the gutter," Martinson said as the first step for improving infrastructure, "so you have as much as that curb lane as possible."
I took a weekend visit to Washington D.C recently and witnessed a cyclist's wet dream. Full traffic lanes were dedicated to non-motor vehicles and some lengths were even protected from normal traffic by barriers. Movement towards this standard would end a great deal of the problems surrounding the issue, but in Houston it seems we value our traffic lanes as much as our first-born males. Until steps are taken to widen the bike lanes and make them safe for cyclists, there is no alternative but traffic lanes.
Recently two measures to help out all non-motor vehicles in Texas were passed in the last session of Congress, both authored by avid cyclist and Houston's own Senator Rodney Ellis. The first, which is crucial though, under-publicized, requires questions on the Texas Driver's License Test about motor vehicles' responsibilities in regards to cyclists. This is a great step in driver’s education and prevention of potential accidents and attitudes. The second bill, which gained much publicity with Senator Dan Patrick's (R-Houston) objection to it, is the infamous Safe Passing Bill. It required a minimum of three feet passing distance for any non-motor vehicle as well as penalties for throwing objects at them. Senator Patrick objected to two specifics of this bill which were ultimately removed to gain his vote:

1) The penalties for throwing objects at non-motor vehicles were removed because Senator Patrick felt it unnecessary, being covered by existing assault laws. All right, fair enough.

2) In the original wording of the bill it was made illegal to cut off non-motor vehicles forcing them to brake instantly or swerve right, commonly called a right hook and what Martinson refers to as "a real danger on our streets." Countless cyclists can attest to the dangers of being cut off by an object weighing 2000+ lbs more than them. While helmets and pads are useful protection in actual collisions, they do little to prevent the collision, which should be the main focus of our legislators.

In an interview with FPH, representatives of Senator Patrick stated, "The issue becomes a judgment issue. It's a problem with interpretation." When one person feels like as if he has been cut off, the other feels as if he were simply merging and the cyclist must not have been looking properly. Bickering ensues. Senator Patrick was advised by a council that this aspect of the bill would create what is known as a "cause of action," a reason that one person might sue another. "We don't want to create another cause of action, another reason to sue," said Senator Patrick's office. One might argue though, that the purpose of any traffic law is to prevent situations where accidents could occur. Since the nature of a right hook is harmful to a cyclist's safety, creating a cause of action might be necessary to discourage them. No one likes going to the courts, but it's necessary. I would speed all the time if I knew that the judicial branch would never bother to call me in and make me pay my ticket. I'll withhold complete contempt for Senator Patrick's positions regarding this bill though, for there are better reasons out there to dislike him.
The conspiracy isn't confined to our fair, polluted, majestic city. Just the other day Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) submitted a letter to President Barack Obama that proposed, among other things, ending all federal funding for bike projects. This would include the Transportation Enhancement Program, meant to grant funding to non-motorized transportation projects, and the Safe Routes to School Programs, which according to the website is "designed to decrease traffic and pollution and increase the health of children and the community." The idea is to redirect this funding to expansion of highways, although the programs were created because America put so much money in to creating highways. I commend Representatives Boehner and Cantor in wanting to cut these programs, because what America needs now is more highways, higher pollution, and fatter children.
I won't pretend that I'm any experienced cyclist. I really rode a bike for the first time a year ago, and didn't buy a bike of my own until a week ago. Yet in my short time cycling, I have nearly been run down on the street once, and I have run out of sidewalk forcing me to ride into a ditch. I have seen a sobbing woman pray for my friend whom she nearly ran over while about to make a right turn. Everyone present shared a group hug. And even so, it's bad, but it's not unbearable. Houston's a great town to bike in. There's so much to explore, so many streets to venture. Even in the hottest parts of the day it's nice. "It's better than it ever was before," said Martinson, a cyclist in Houston since the 80s who has frequently lobbied for safer regulations and a better infrastructure.
I'll end this with a vision of the future. The wide lanes for cyclists weren't all that were available in D.C. The city has the nation's first public bike rental system, SmartBikeDC; and they poured $600,000 in to a radio and transit ad campaign aimed to educate the population on cyclists. This and more designated D.C. as a Bronze Bicycle Friendly Community by the League of American Bicyclists, not the highest qualification but still a reasonable goal for the future. Houston does not have to create an entire separate system for cyclists. A small change in the attitude with which people look at cyclists is all that is required, and although we have a long way to go, we're making slow and steady progress. The Houston Bikeways Program, headed by the first Houston Bicycle Pedestrian Coordinator Dan Raine, is aimed at increasing ridership and more off-the-road bikeways. As of now the step that everyone can take to improve Houston as a biking community is to simply break out the old bicycle and go for a roll, or buy a bicycle if your old one isn't suitable. Soon we'll all have bicycles and we'll overtake the streets! Bicycles aren't a cure all for the problems of congestion, pollution, obesity, and high traffic accident numbers. But they can't hurt.  

Despite Israel’s efforts, Palestinian festival celebrates world-class literature

2009-06-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

By Sousan Hammad; Free Press contributor currently in West Bank town of Ramallah

For many Palestinians, the month of May is associated with the commemoration of the Nakba. But with the increasing popularity of the arts in Palestine, the second annual Palestine Festival of Literature harmoniously unfolded to the final days of spring, a time also for lavender and lilies.
Ahdaf Soueif, an Egyptian-born novelist, along with Brigid Keenan, a travel writer, and Victoria Brittain, a former editor of The Guardian, came up with the idea of having a world-class literature festival in Palestine.
“Last year we brought a festival to Palestine, and Palestine taught us so much in return. Palestinian cities – even under siege and a cruel military occupation – manage to produce brilliant art and top class education. PalFest aims to contribute to that rich cultural life,” Soueif said.
Of the festival’s 21 featured writers were Michael Palin, a travel writer and actor from the Monty Python series; Suheir Hammad, a Palestinian poet and actress from Brooklyn; Suad Amiry, a Palestinian architect and memoirist; and Henning Mankell, an international best-selling crime novelist and playwright, among many more.
“We chose people who wanted to know more about Palestine. This is a way for them to get in and see it, and hopefully, go home and write about it,” PalFest producer Omar Hamilton said.
The featured writers traveled throughout the West Bank to conduct workshops and discuss their literary work in panel discussions and seminars. In between, participants toured various refugee camps and centers in Jenin, Hebron, Bethlehem and Ramallah.
Because the writers were aware of Israel’s unjust treatment toward Palestinians, organizers agreed that to get a legitimate feel of Palestine they would travel as ‘Palestinians.’ This meant the caravan of writers dealt with the cattle-trade of checkpoints, interrogations, and more.
“We wanted the writers to travel how Palestinians travel. We didn’t want them to have special treatment,” Hamilton said.
On a Saturday, at the courtyard of the Palestinian National Theatre in Jerusalem, the festival began like a huge family wedding. Piles of food and flowers stretched along a table. Writers greeted fans and weary travelers as stories of the previous day’s arduous border crossing, from Jordan to Jerusalem, were exchanged. The evening had been set to begin at 6:30 and writers Carmen Callil, Henning Mankell and Claire Messud were to start the first panel titled, “Choosing Departure – a Different Perspective?”
But the law-making chimeras of Israel, it turns out, were not amused, and writers witnessed – on a scale unprecedented to what Palestinians face every day – Israel’s draconian measures.
Minutes prior to the festival’s start, armed Israeli police barricaded the National Theatre with a court order to shut the literature festival down. In badly written Arabic, the court order posted on the theater’s door declared the festival illegal, according to Article 3A of a 1994 Interim Agreement, which determines the Palestinian Authority cannot open or operate a representative mission in the area considered to be the State of Israel without written permission by Israel.
Despite the festival having no connection to the PA, the theater’s doors were locked and festival organizers, participants and attendees hastily relocated to a different venue where everyone helped set up chairs in the garden of the French Cultural Centre.
“Today, we saw the clearest example of our mission: to confront the culture of power with the power of culture,” Ahdaf Soueif wrote on PalFest’s blog.
The next day the festival went to Ramallah. In the garden of the Sakakani Center, a crowd of people, mostly internationals who work with NGO’s in the West Bank, sat underneath the suspended arches of a fig tree.
First up was a panel titled, “Family: Separated by Life, Rejoined by Literature,” with writers Carmen Callil, founder of Virago Press; Jamal Mahjoub, author of Traveling with Djinns; and Jeremy Harding, a nonfiction writer and editor at The London Review of Books.
Harding is the author of Mother Country, a literary memoir on adoption and the need to belong. He talked to the crowd about his thoughts on family, or what he called an immense comic confusion. “What I wanted to do is write a comedy about the misunderstandings of adoption, the things that children, or I at any rate, failed to grasp when I was told I was adopted,” he said.
The following panel featured two of the four Palestinian writers who were participants of the festival: Raja Shehadah, who wrote the magnificent Palestinian Walks, and Suad Amiry, author of Sharon and my Mother-in-Law. Along with Michael Palin, they discussed the literary theme of changes in landscape and architecture.
Each writer read an excerpt from their book.
Amiry, who said she became a writer by pure accident, delivered an elaborate, satirical tale from her forthcoming book, Murad Murad, a story of the humiliations of a Palestinian worker named Murad who dresses into the ‘garb’ of an Israeli – spiky, gelled hair, outlandish sunglasses and cropped shorts – to find work in Israel.
She then spoke to the audience about the concept of time and space in a changing Palestine. “When (Palestinians) were under curfew for 42 days, it really felt like 42 years. I had my mother-in-law in my house and the Israelis in my garden, so I had two occupations: one inside and one outside,” she said.
The crowd laughed.
On day three of the six-day festival, the caravan of writers split up: some journeyed over to Jenin refugee camp where Michael Palin and Henning Mankell conducted a workshop with the young actors from the Freedom Theatre, while others went to Bir Zeit University for a workshop with the University’s literature students.
Standing on the small stage of the theatre, a mood of hilarity had set in as Palin spoke of his encounters as a travel writer: meeting new people in a new land, and relating it to how actors could benefit from humor to unsettle people. “The best way to create communication and break down barriers is by using humor. It’s about being able to laugh at ourselves and sometimes see our situation, wherever it is, as part of the general absurdity of the world we live in,” he said.
The young actors, all residents from the camp, enthusiastically performed a scene from a forthcoming play. Mankell and Palin then critiqued the play, offering basic advice.
Last up that evening was Suheir Hammad. Back at the Sakakini center in Ramallah, a full crowd sat under clouds of cigarette smoke as Hammad recited poems about Gaza, her mother and Darwish. Dressed in a purple chiffon dress, curls wild as ever, the crowd listened with frozen smiles – some even wiping away tears – to her elegies of Gaza.
Day four, in Bethlehem, the caravan of writers passed the graffitied apartheid wall beneath the watchtowers with pillbox windows, and drove into the besieged birthplace of Jesus.
After spending the day touring Azzeh camp, one of the smallest refugee camps in Palestine, and meeting with community leaders from Aida refugee camp, the busload of writers began the evening with a panel discussion titled, “Literary Representations of Migration and Travel.”
Writers Robin Yassin-Kassab, Claire Messud and Michael Palin chatted on stage with Jamal Mahjoub about their travel writings.
“We all have the complexity of departure and travel,” Messud said, referring to the essence of Britain’s past, its changing landscape, and relating it to contemporary life in the West Bank.
Palin held command of the discussion, however, looking directly at the audience while he spoke about his inspirations. “I grew up reading Hemingway’s adventure series…my imagination was greatly stimulated by stories of travel,” he said.
The discussion, as all others, was in English, but headphones were available for those needing translation.
Sari Freitekh, a Palestinian who spent much of his time in the U.S., said, “I was kind of surprised that (the festival) was all in English. You would assume that as an event taking place in Palestine, part of it would be in Arabic. But the idea is coming here, and I think it’s good that they came.”
The next day the festival went to Hebron where the writers visited the Old City, a place now draped, literally, beneath a suspended fishnet positioned to prevent garbage strewn by Israeli settlers from above.
Rumors telephoned around that Israeli officials would again shut down the festival on the closing night. In a symbolic act of defiance, however, everyone optimistically gathered at the Palesitnian National Theatre.
But in a familiar and somewhat acquiescence tone that Thursday evening, the festival’s closing night began with a horde of people walking from the National Theatre to yet another venue designated at last minute. This time, the British Council. Again, everyone rushed to set up chairs as Jerusalem, the supposed Arab Cultural Capital of 2009, was a temporary home to a literature festival twice shut down by Israel.
In yet another beautiful garden, some people stood, while others sat on the white plastic chairs spotted on the grass to hear the festival’s writers read inspirational words not of their own writing.
Jeremy Harding read an excerpt from a novel by S. Yizhar titled, Khirbet Khizeh, a book about the violent expulsion of Palestinian villagers by the Israeli army in 1948, while novelist M.G. Vassanji read an excerpt from Odyssey, when Homer comes back to Ithaca and finds it occupied.
Palestinian poet, Nathalie Handal, said the words that inspired her most were the silent words of the land: the scent of jasmine, the words from Darwish’s spirt. “Silence has taken our voices,” she said.
After six days, a lesson was learned: Palestine is not just a place that will prevail from its proud resistance alone, it needs the popularity of art, whether the literature festival, or the many film festivals and exhibitions around the world, art is a passionate way to affirm the commitment of the Palestinian motif.
“To use the words of Aime Cesaire,” Robin Yassin-Kassab said on the closing night, “There is room for everyone at the rendezvous of victory.”
This article was originally published on ElectronicIntifada.net
Sousan Hammad is a journalist based in the West Bank city of Ramallah. She can be reached at sousan.hammad@gmail.com.

Why it's OK to steal from Central Market and Whole Foods

2009-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

by Belligerent Me

" We throw away an obscene amount of food every day" says the adamantly unnamed employeee at Central Market. " They watch us like hawks when we dispose of food and it is a very regimented process." Despite their friendly facades of 'organic foods' , earth conciousness, and vegetarian friendly items, grocers like Whole Foods and Central Market make a large part of their revenue by serving prepared foods in a deli style atmosphere. From fresh veggies to cooked meats, they serve as both restaraunts and supermarkets. But the beauty of accidental conservation at most conventional restaurants is the fact that food is made to order as opposed to stockpiled in coolers. Both Whole Foods and Central Market cook massive quantities of both pre-fab boxed meals and dishes to be sold by the pound. Everything from high-end cuts of meat to quick snacks like egg rolls are available. These 'fresh' foods like any are subject to going bad in shorts amount of time as they can not be frozen and retain their taste and texture. Dishes like Wilted Spinach and Prime Rib have very short shelf lives and excess must be thrown away for both aesthetic and health concerns. One would think that the logical solution would be to donate these left overs to food kitchens and feeding agencies just prior to expiration. The companies cite liability issues for not dispersing the leftovers to the hungry and homeless. One Whole Foods employee told me that the "food they throw away in a day could probably feed the neighborhood homeless for more than a week. So considering the fact that they give little to no discount to their employees, there is basically no destination but the dumpster. Imagine 25 pounds of seared tuna saturated in yesterday's Chili with Pinto Beans. Nestled just below are several pounds of asparagus, mash potatoes, and of course, Sushi. As we know, sushi goes bad quickly. And this is why I have no moral compunction with eating exorbitant amounts of top shelf foods while I walk the deftly calculated aisles of these stores. The 2 markets hire the best of the best to deipher how they can get us walk their trail like rats to buy the most food for the most money. So instead of buying, I just eat. I am rather good at eating. In my last culinary retreat to Whole Foods, I managed to put away:

1 plate of Green Chile Chicken
1 cup of Butternut Squash Crab Bisque
1 cup of Spinach and Lentil Soup
2 pieces of Fried Chicken
5 -10 Black Olives
Baracho Beans
Celebration Veggie Roast
1 bottle of Electrolyte Enhanced Water ( I splurged and paid for this.)
1 Chocolate Croissant
Half a cup or Coffee

(this does not include free samples)

Now also consider, these massive food retailers have the kind of bulk buying power that your average restaurant does not. Their profit margins on the $8 Smoked Turkey Sandwich you buy are often more than 800 percent. Central Market, part of the leviathan of HEB Grocers, is a massive food retailer that manufactures much of the food it sells. Now, they look at throwing away that sandwich as merely a 30 cent loss as they likely owned or had a stake in the factory farm that bred the turkey and baked the bread themselves. Yet food to much of the world is more than a loss colomn on a year ends earnings spread sheet. Food is substinence and in my case food is, right or wrong, a joyful experience. It is plain obscene there are folks going hungry in this city when so much is being thrown away. So, when I take a trip to Central Market, I often order a sandwich, leave without paying, and offer it to a homeless person. This homeless person is often a FPH employee. I love the soups at Central Market and always have several cups of their Gumbo. If you scoop down to the bottom you can find the big shrimp. Otherwise, they may end up in the garbage.

Editors Note: We do not advocate breaking any laws. We do not advocate wasting food either.

Interview: Rick Lowe of Project Row Houses

2009-05-04T13:22:00.000-07:00

By Omar Afra

Most artists could only wish for their work to have a transformative effect on their community. Their effect is ultimately bound by the respective work they do. But creator of Project Row Houses Rick Lowe's work is transforming his neighborhood. Since 1991, Lowe has both renewed and beautified Houston's 3rd Ward with his imaginative restorations, creative social programs (for lack of better description), and injection of artistic spirit into a community that sorely needs it. By adopting properties, organizing creative programs for kids, and generally giving people the tools to be creative in their community, the 40 something envelope-pusher has left an indelible mark on the 3rd Ward. One program, the Young Mothers Residential Program, has offered free housing to single mothers while in college since 1996. We had the pleasure to interview him and take a peek into his remarkably young looking head. Thanks Rick.

In your 12+ years of Project Row Houses, what has been your biggest obstacle?

The biggest obstacles have been convincing people that the neighborhood is worth investing in. Although we have made some investments, it’s just a drop in the bucket compared to what is needed and the potential for return on investment. The speculators are sure to win in this case.

Are you preserving the 3rd Ward or creating a new identity? Both?

I think it’s a bit of both. Even if I said we were preserving a part of the 3rd ward, we would still be creating a new identity within the changing neighborhood context. We can’t live in the past. However, we can try to anchor ourselves with some aspects of the past and make it a part of our new identity. I think that honoring the historic context of a neighborhood is good development practice.

The Young Mother's Residential Program has been operating since 1996. Are you still in touch with many of the women who have been part of the program and what kind of impacts have you seen on their lives?

I’m in touch with a number of women from the program. some have remained in our community after graduating from the program. some even after graduating still engage with certain aspects of the program. there have been a lot of success stories and some not so successful stories. Let’s see, we have one who left the program and went on to receive her PhD from Penn State and taught at University of Pittsburg for a few years and is now back in our community. There’s one who is completed her studies at TSU and when on to get a law degree and a masters in urban planning. She will be joining our board. There is a number who are now college graduates, Some now own their homes. There are a lot of success stories. Then there are the ones that we just wish we could have helped in some way but they just weren’t ready.

In an endeavor like Project Row Houses, can you ever really be 'finished'?

If you are working in a social environment, I don’t think things are ever ‘finished.’ There is a lot to do in this community to for it to be the kind of nurturing community that provides opportunities for folks comparable to other healthy neighborhoods. But even if we got it to the point that it was a healthy functioning neighborhood, you still have to work creatively with such limited resources to assure that it remains a healthy community.
Endorse anyone for the upcoming mayoral Election? What would you like to see from a potential new mayor most?

I’d like our new mayor make some efforts towards planning for our city. At this point, development is so market driven that our identity is a bit schizophrenic. Transportation, housing, commercial development, historic preservation, infrastructure, etc., should all relate to each other in some way. But within our current way of approaching things, none of these things seem to be connected.

What other local Houston artists inspire and baffle you?

I have so many artist friends and so many of them inspire me for completely different reasons. I’ve been fortunate enough to move in circles with some of Houston’s finest artists. I can’t really think of anything baffling about Houston artists.

How do you look so damn young at 47?

Well, I’m not sure I look so young. I’m amazed every I see our new president on in the media and think about how young he looks. He’s just a few days older than I and looks younger. Even with all the stress he lives with. Now that’s amazing!

Will potential Live Nation/Ticketmaster merger change live concerts, as we know them? Answer: YES

2009-04-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

By Omar Afra

Full Disclosure: Free Press Houston sells advertising to Live Nation. They may or may not get upset about this and discontinue their purchases. I hope not. We need the bucks. We will sell our souls in any direction but will not squash our editorial.

“Twenty-one dollars for 2 drinks?!” I yelled with utter contempt to the bartender at the then newly opened House of Blues. I had ordered 2 Greyhounds-- a simple mixture of grapefruit juice and what was probably McCormick’s vodka. That’s a profit margin of more than 1200%. What topsy-turvy business plan in the world required such an overzealous mark up? I had to ask myself if the masters of this event and Live Nation, the owners of House of Blues, were making enough at the door to make this a worthwhile venture. And therein lies what is and what will be one of the most paradigm shifting events in the concert industry. Live Nation is in the works to merge with ticket retailing leviathan Ticketmaster.

For all intents and purposes let’s just call Live Nation by its rightful name: Clear Channel. ‘Live Nation’ is merely the veneer of Clear Channel from where it spun off, the media giant that hustles everything from radio, to billboards, to concerts. Live Nation already dominates the landscape of the concert industry. The behemoth now acts as a record label, concert promoter, and often, agent for bands. Big Ticket names like U2, Jay Z, and Madonna have inked deals for touring, albums, and merchandise. They own medium size venues like House of Blues all they way up to big-ticket stadiums. So how does one company get such a lock down on a single industry? It goes like this: Live Nation outbids all of it’s competitors for band guarantees even if it means taking a loss on that particular revenue stream. This way they can force out competition and make every last nickel on all the peripheral sources of income that come with a concert. That’s where my Greyhound comes in. After paying exorbitant guarantees to bands, the company has got to make money somewhere, right? So things like parking, snacks, drinks, and merchandise are marked up to the point of disbelief. To top it off, they often have in their contracts a 60% ownership to all merchandising. Now, in an era in which bands are making the lion’s share of revenue on live shows and merchandise because people don’t purchase albums anymore, this hurts both the band and the consumer. But you have to play the devil’s advocate and ask if a bigger, badder Live Nation equals efficiencies in the concert industry. Does a singular entity controlling all of concertdom mean cheaper more streamlined purchases? Not at all if this merger with Ticketmaster makes it way through congressional approval.

So what exactly does a merger between the world’s largest concert promoter and the world’s largest ticket retailer mean for concertgoers? Higher ticket prices, yes, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. As anyone knows, Ticketmaster makes it’s money from charging ‘processing’ and ‘convenience’ fees on every ticket it sells. This fee ranges from $5 to $50. Yet Ticketmaster has recently engaged in such an unscrupulous practice that it is making enemies of the very artists it sells tickets for. Let’s examine the case of Bruce Springsteen. The Boss, being the nice folksy guy that he is, booked his last tour with the hope that a general admission ticket can get you anywhere if you buy it on time. You know the story: You sleep and the rain and camp out in line for your favorite band in order to get the best seats possible. This is an American practice that has been hallowed throughout the ages and is a rite of passage for young music enthusiasts. Well, here is how Ticketmaster has rolled with Springsteen and many other artists in recent days: When you are online to purchase a ticket, and do so in a timely manner to get the good ones, upon selecting primo seats that are still available, Ticketmaster redirects you to a third party retailer (SCALPER) who charges double, maybe triple of face value. Now we have dealt with scalpers for decades but the insult here is that Ticketmaster owns the online scalpers. You got it, they are scalping their own products. They shut out any act or venue that doesn't use them by signing exclusivity agreements with over half the acts and venues. This virtual monopoly is growing and with Live Nation's help it will know no bounds.

So obviously the Justice Department sees the danger of monopolization and barrier of entry of any potential competitors. Ahhh, but TicketMaster has tread this ground before as it attracted the ire of antitrust regulators throughout the 90s for its domination of ticket sales. ( Remember Eddie Vedder’s gripes? Me neither.) “From an antitrust perspective, I do think it's going to get an extensive and thorough investigation by one of the two antitrust agencies — maybe more likely the Justice Department than the FTC, because the Justice Department did a monopoly investigation of Ticketmaster in the 90s," said Marc Schildkraut, a former assistant director of the Federal Trade Commission's Bureau of Competition. Neither company is likely to be pleased that the Justice Department, and not the Federal Trade Commission, has chosen to look into this. But frankly, the two companies have recruited a lot of top-dollar lobbying muscle to help them sell the proposed mega-merger on Capitol Hill, in addition to a list of impressive and well-connected names on the companies' boards of directors. Ticketmaster has retained former Rep. Mel Levine's (D-Calif.) lobbying firm, Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher. More importantly, Live Nation's board members include director Ari Emanuel, brother of President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, and Ticketmaster's board boasts director Julius Genachowski, a Harvard classmate of the President and a co-leader of the transition team's policy work group on technology, innovation and government. Laughably, Live Nation CEO Michael Rapino has been prancing around capitol Hill saying how much his company is hurting in these “tough economic times.” Really? That stands in contrast to his speech at his shareholder’s meeting where he talked up the state of the company:

“Our competitive advantage lies in our global concert platform that spans multiple cities throughout 19 countries, staffed by the most experienced promoters and marketing personnel in the business, selling directly to over 40 million fans, servicing 1,000 artists annually through our 16,000 concerts...”

But let’s spit some real talk and run through an itemized list of potential list of expenses if you and a friend want to see your favorite band if a Live Nation-Ticketmaster merger makes it though the halls of the best government money can buy (numbers based on Live Nation- Ticketmaster data):

65.00 x 2 to see ‘Artist X’ (130.00)
10.30 x 2 for ‘Convenience Charge’
2.00 x 2 ‘Building Facility Charge’
10.00 Parking
42.00 for 4 Greyhounds (Well Vodka)
50.00 for 2 T-Shirts
=
256.60

And that’s all assuming you get the ‘cheap seats’ and not the scalped ones via Ticketmaster's very own third party rip off. So there you have it. Live music has made it’s way into Super Bowl pricing brackets. And if this merger goes through, most shows will be as such because this Goliath will have managed to force out all the competition. But this formula not only applies to big box shows. This will have a similar effect on small and medium size venues. Understand, Live Nation often outright owns or has contracts with your favorite medium size venue such as House of Blues. They are managing to slowly force out venues that have no affiliation with them. Well, the insult to injury is that if this merger succeeds, bands that have a contract with Ticketmaster will no longer be playing at the independent venues. So most importantly, the final victim is the art form itself. Medium size venues are often the breeding grounds for great artists who are on the precipice of wide acclaim yet have not crossed the threshold. It is in the gritty, independent venues where they hone their song craft, learn to play before larger crowds, and develop following beyond their local dive. Additionally, gone will be the days when your favorite local band opens for your favorite touring band. That phenomenon will be a relic of the past as Live Nation never merges such bands. So the effect of this goes well beyond your pocket book and cuts to the core of our appreciation of music itself. Would bands like Nirvana, TV On The Radio, or At The Drive In, who rose out of 600 capacity venues, be able to rise up in such conditions. I am afraid to say no but it is a likely outcome. A forward march towards musical homogenization would ensue and Live Nation-Ticketmaster has no problem with that. Oh and BTW, word on the street is that House of Blues lost half a million bux in the last few months, had to lay off quite a few staff members, and is gonna raise drink prices. 20 dollar Greyhounds anyone?

I implore you to contact your State Senator and/or the Department of Justice and voice your feelings on this issue. Here is the info:

Department of Justice:
202-514-2558
antitrust.atr@usdoj.gov

U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001

Texas State Senators:
Cornyn, John - (R - TX) (202) 224-2934

Hutchison, Kay Bailey - (R - TX) (202) 224-5922

What it means: At the time this chart was done by Live Nation, approximately 2007, they merely controlled the three black arrows in the middle. If the merger with Ticketmaster goes through, it will control every aspect of the business between the artist and the fan, except for the booking agent.

However, given that Ticktemaster/Live Nation also would manage artists -- like Madonna, depicted here long before she signed her 360 deal with Live Nation -- the booking agent would become extinct soon enough. Why would the company, in its role as manager, want to hire an agent to negotiate with the company, in its role as promoter and ticket-seller?

99 Problems: Your Children Don’t Need the Grand Parkway

2009-04-03T15:11:00.000-07:00

by Jay Blazek Crossley

If you look at a map of migratory bird routes for the Western Hemisphere, they usually show a series of lines that reach out across North America and converge at a point just before making the leap over the Gulf of Mexico to then spread out across Central and south America. That point of convergence is the coastal prairies of Texas, including the once great Katy Prairie, most of the Western side of the growing metropolis of Houston starting at about Loop 610 and stretching out westward.

Apparently because of the prospect of using stimulus funds to cover half the cost, Harris County and the Texas Department of Transportation have awarded around $20 million over the last two weeks to consultants who will plan construction of segment E of the Grand Parkway that will drive through the heart of the Katy Prairie. While this will certainly preserve jobs at these firms and their associated contractors, any number of transportation improvements could have produced more jobs, a better city, and less devastation to one of the most diverse eco-regions in the United states, of which the Katy Prairie is but one of at least 10 unique ecosystems in the Houston region.

You may have heard that the suburbs are growing in Houston, that sprawl is the nature of Houston, and that we’re doomed to spread out forever driving by ourselves in an SUV. The funny thing is that you probably picked up the Free Press at a record store, bar, or coffee shop and you probably were standing on your feet at the time. The really funny part is that while every Houstonian is not like you, you represent a much bigger chunk of our population than you think. And the neighborhood you picked up that Free Press in is actually growing faster than the suburbs.

The Woodlands was the most active single development in the Houston region in 2006 building 1,440 new homes. In that same year, 992 apartment units were under construction on Richmond Avenue between Main Street and Kirby. Those homes in the Woodlands are spread out over 24 square miles of land, while this little stretch of Richmond is just one of the many busy avenues across the Houston region with thousands of families walking, driving, and riding transit as part of their complicated lives that are not monolithically auto-dependent.

Not that the Woodlands is a bad place to live. Their plan has been for years to densify the center of the development to make possible the sort of things all of us want close to our homes, such as retail, coffee shops, safe neighborhood schools, and – on the top of our minds these days – jobs. This kind of walkable urbanism has been available for a hundred years in the original transit-oriented suburbs of Houston, such as the Heights and Montrose, and it will be much more difficult to achieve for all of our existing suburbs if the Houston market is spread out across the distant exurbs.

Majorities of Americans are seeking stronger communities and easier access to all the basic activities of life according to several recent studies including one by the National REALTORS Organization. This shift in American sensibilities could not have come at a better time when we are trying to deal with our outrageous consumption habits in the face of a changing global economy and climate.

Montrose and our other dense mixed-use neighborhoods allow lower carbon lifestyle while supporting the nearby urban cores, Downtown, the Medical Center, Greenway, the Uptown – Galleria area, and Greenspoint. These dense cores – which each have more jobs than downtown Miami or San Diego – are hotbeds of our economy where innovation and efficiency will continue to drive our growth throughout this Century.

Growth in Houston has continued unfettered since the Allen brothers decided that the City of Harrisburg was the ideal location for a city due to its location on Buffalo Bayou – a transportation corridor – and then decided to start a city further up stream since Harrisburg was already there. Our leaders have always guided our growth through transportation planning and until the last half century that transportation infrastructure was based mostly on rail.

The Houston style of development that produced the areas of town where a majority of the residents of the City of Houston now live was changed in the second half of the 20th Century. As opposed to making investments to provide better access for Houstonians, transportation infrastructure began to be used to “open up areas for development” so that the combination of cheap oil and government subsidy could make long distance commutes just barely affordable to families choosing to buy a cheaper home further out. Because of our investment in freeways, part of Houston’s growing population made a logical trade off between housing price and living close to other people, jobs, services, and neighborhood schools.

If we build the Grand Parkway today, decades of Houstonians will factor that perversion of the residential land market in the tough economic choices of their lives. Some of them will choose to live on top of what is still today intact Katy Prairie. If we could spend stimulus money for a change on a variety of transportation options, such as improving walkability, accelerating our light rail plans, and laying the ground work for commuter rail down the 45 corridor to Galveston and Clear Lake and out the densifying northwest side of Houston, our children will have quite a different menu of lifestyle choices.

Do we want to invest in infrastructure that draws more people out into the surrounding wilderness and prime agricultural land or do we want to use our transportation money to improve existing Houstonians lives?

…

Jay Blazek Crossley does Program Development and Research at Houston Tomorrow, an independent nonprofit focused on improving the quality of life for the Houston region. He grew up in Montrose, has a Masters in Public Affairs from the LBJ School at the University of Texas, is in the band Woozyhelmet, and returned to Houston three years ago to help build the city of our future. His opinions do not necessarily represent those of the staff and board of Houston Tomorrow.

Is Houston selling it's soul?

2009-03-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

Words and Photos M. Martin
Illustration by Judith Uzcategui

Hardly anyone even knows it by name, but virtually anyone who has spent time in Montrose at all knows of Wilshire Village. Seventeen mostly vacant apartment buildings largely obscured from view by beautiful old magnolias and oaks. The buildings are in varying states of decrepitude, the consequence of generations of benign neglect. Most of them are effectively uninhabitable and uninhabited. Others are surrounded by carefully tended gardens, patio furniture... children's toys. The parking lots between the buildings contain an unusual assortment of vehicles. Vintage Cadillacs sit on blocks next to Cooper Minis while late model American pickups stand next to motorcycles, motor scooters and bicycles of every description.

Over the years, tenancy at Wilshire Village has become a matter of word-of-mouth referral and waiting lists. Since its construction in the 40's, a close-knit and private community of residents has come into existence. Consisting primarily of artists, students, families of modest means and increasingly the elderly and/or disabled, the residents of Wilshire Village were, and very much are, a microcosmic reflection of the diverse community that surrounds them, with little more in common than a shared love of the place they call home.

Of course, it could not last. It has been considered a given for decades that there would come a day when the slow decay would be accelerated by bulldozers. Years of rumors of demolition began to segue into fact in 2005, when plans were announced for the construction of a pair of high-rise residential condominiums on the property. Although the plans never got beyond the press-release stage, public records show that within a year the property had changed hands. This change was largely invisible to residents. They continued to make out their rent checks to Wilshire Village and continued to drop them off at the same on-premise office. The property owner, Jay Cohen, went so far as to send tenants a letter advising them to ignore the news stories.

Ignoring the stories of impending demolition ceased to be an option at the beginning of February, when eviction notices began to arrive via certified mail. Although there were and continue to be questions regarding the legitimacy of these notices, it became something of a moot point on February 19 when city workers affixed notices from the Fire Marshal's office to the buildings of Wilshire Village. The notices state that the buildings are unsafe for human habitation.

It seems highly unlikely that anything can save Wilshire Village. Only 20 to 30 of the 144 units are currently leased, and not a single tenant has had a formal lease agreement in years. Even if the tenants were to organize, it is highly questionable that they could do anything to protect or retain their homes. There are virtually no city statutes to protect historical buildings and even less interest in the community at large in using what few protections do exist.

The purpose of this story is not to rally support for a worthy cause, no matter how worthy the cause might be. Allen Parkway Village was just as historically and architecturally significant, actually inhabited, and had residents who did fight for their homes. It was still destroyed.

There is a purpose served, though, in commemorating this place and its place in the community. There is a purpose served in speaking on behalf of people who are losing homes they love. There is a purpose served in pointing out the more dubious aspects of how this story unfolded, and how Houston's values and lack of values permitted it to happen.

Most of all, there is a purpose served in asking what, exactly, makes a place a home or makes a city a community. There is also a purpose served in questioning the unquestioned assumptions behind the story of Wilshire Village and wondering if this city can sustain itself... or if it even deserves to.

Houston is a little over one hundred seventy years old--but compared to other cities of comparable age, it might as well have been founded in 1950. What little urban planning the city's aggressively pro-business culture permits makes absolutely no provisions for the preservation of anything of historical or cultural value. There are no legal or social mechanisms to protect anything that might tangibly contribute to Houston's identity as a city. At the same time, that pro-business orientation means that property owners have no obligations beyond paying their taxes... and experience considerable leeway in even that obligation.

What it all adds up to is a city that is literally a hundred miles across and a few inches deep. A place where a sense of civic identity extends no further than cheering for the home team in your sport of choice, and any sense of shared social responsibility is derided as "socialism." In no instance are Houston's failings as a city more apparent than in the case of Wilshire Village.

Designed by Eugene Werlin, the same award-winning architect who gave the city Miller Outdoor Theater and Allen Parkway Village, Wilshire Village received widespread acclaim at the time of its construction in 1940. It was one of the largest FHA-insured garden apartment complexes in Houston and represented the pinnacle of New Deal-era public policy. As Houston expanded and became denser, Wilshire Village's eight acres of beautifully landscaped grounds became ever more of a rarity in a city not noted for attractive cityscapes. For decades, it served as an affordable and attractive housing option for students, artists and young families, as well as the elderly and the disabled.

Unfortunately though, when Wilshire Village wound up in the hands of a property owner who came to consider cheap rent a fair exchange for property neglect, it was considered the landlord's business, the tenants' business, and nobody else's business. And so Wilshire Village became a happy well-kept secret for the people who lived there and a subject for speculation and urban folklore for those who did not. Located in the Southwest quadrant of what is commonly considered The Montrose, Wilshire Village further benefited from being in one of the few parts of Houston where not minding the business of one's neighbors is virtually written into the cultural DNA.

The original owner of Wilshire Village was the Wilshire Village Corporation, which was registered in 1939 with J. Howard Cohen listed as its registered agent. In 1987 the deed for the property passed to Jay Cohen.

Described by residents as “a Howard Hughes-like" figure in his 60's, Cohen seems to have had the best of intentions over the years, if perhaps not the resources to carry those intentions out.

A Wilshire resident recalls that there had been a property manager who passed away in the 80's, and that Mr. Cohen sought to save money by assuming those responsibilities himself. Doubtless, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Wilshire residents have, for some time, had responsibility for basic maintenance and upkeep of their apartments, Cohen continued to take an interest in matters like landscaping and upkeep of common areas until recently. He has, according to tenants, always been prompt in attending to matters like roof or plumbing repair. Over the last two years, attention to matters like landscaping has all but completely waned. Nevertheless, the residents I spoke with were unanimous in their praise for Cohen's generosity and caring spirit.

His finances and business acumen, however, are another matter. In 2002 Cohen filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. The title for Wilshire Villages then passed to two subsequent limited partnerships, both of which had the same registered agent, Matthew Dilick.

Even after Dilick assumed ownership of the property, rent checks continued to be made out to Wilshire Village and continued to be dropped off at an office on the premises that may at one time have been Cohen's residence. Cohen continued to represent himself as the property's owner to tenants. After residents received the eviction notices Cohen promised several tenants that he would provide a letter clarifying matters by the end of the month and advised them to ignore the notices from Dilick's office.

The first contact any of Wilshire Village’s residents have had with Dilick dates from the arrival this month of the eviction notices mailed from his office.

While Matthew Dilick's name may not be familiar to his tenants, it is very well known in the world of Houston real estate. Between 1994 and 2001, he served as Director of Real Estate for Landry's Restaurants, Inc. During that time Dilick supervised the development of the Kemah Boardwalk. More recently Dilick's current company oversaw the demolition of the Bayou on the Bend Apartment complex. Bayou on the Bend was a 40-year-old, 31 unit complex on four acres of land facing Memorial Drive. It has been replaced with 242 units of high-density luxury housing.

The proposed pair of 16-18 story residential towers that have been on the drawing board since 2005 to replace Wilshire Village would sit at the intersection of a pair of narrow two-lane streets, neither of which has much possibility of being widened. The same criticisms leveled at the proposed Ashby Highrise, which developers are attempting to create at the nearby intersection of Dunlavy and Bissonnet, apply with equal, if not greater force in this case.

West Alabama and Dunlavy streets can’t handle the traffic two high rises would bring. Such a development would also inevitably alter the character of the neighborhood. The only real difference is that the developers of Ashby High-rise are dealing with protests launched by relatively affluent home owners, while the majority of those who live in the near vicinity of Wilshire Village are neither affluent nor property owners.

It is also difficult to understand where Dilick thinks he is going to get either financing for his project or potential buyers in the middle of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression. It seems all too likely that he intends to follow the example of the developers of the Sonoma midrise project in Rice Village. They apparently had enough money to tear down several blocks of vintage mid-20th century commercial property, but not enough money to actually start building anything in their place. Recently, the rented fences restricting access to the property went away... not a good sign.

It would be easier to assume that Dilick intended to deal in good faith if he had done so to date. The eviction notices distributed at the beginning of February to Wilshire Village Residents were plain-paper typed documents advising residents that they had until the end of the month to vacate, at which time utility services would be cut. The only problem is that, at that time, no formal eviction process had been carried out.

When contacted, City Council Member at Large Sue Lovell expressed doubt about the notices' legitimacy, stating that there "appears to be a dispute amongst the partners.” Lovell also stated that her office is “trying to find out who has [the] legal authority" to evict. Lovell also pointed out that the normal eviction process requires a Justice of the Peace order, which is delivered by a Deputy Constable, and a 30 day period to vacate.

Wilshire residents contacted for this article characterized the notices as "intimidation"-- a description also applied to handwritten lists of available, low-income housing options that appear to also have been distributed from Dilick's office.

The most confusing thing for residents has been lack of consistent communication. Cohen has been assuring them that they have no urgent need to vacate, even as his apparent partner tells them they are being evicted. The Houston Department of Public Works stated that “the City of Houston is not shutting down the property” mere days before another city agency, the Fire Marshal's office, posted condemnation notices.

Public Works’ claims are even more suspect in the light of the extensive street and sewerage repairs now underway on Sul Ross street between Wilshire Village and South Shepherd Drive. At the very least there is one colossal failure to communicate taking place; whether it is intentional or not remains to be seen.

None of this will be sorted out by the time this story goes to press. In all likelihood, it will all still be in a state of confusion when the bulldozers finally show up to settle matters, at least in the short run. In the meanwhile, I want to share some of the thoughts and comments that Wilshire residents have shared with me.

All of the people who spoke to me requested anonymity--partly to avoid possible legal issues, partly out of respect for Cohen's well-known desire for privacy. A desire for privacy is one of the few well-known things about him.

One resident wrote they “hate to see this place go. It kept me and a very dear friend safe through Ike without even a sound. If I had not seen the news or listened to the radio, I would not have known we were having a hurricane. My grandchildren have played in the courtyards and hidden Easter eggs in the structures each year. They have climbed in the big magnolias and played hide-n-seek among the buildings and the landscape... What a shame. It's destined to become another huge plot of land that will have a honeycomb of tiny residences that no one can afford in this economy. It will be filled with people who will further congest the small streets, and the utility capacities. In the name of progress, I think we will regress..."

Another resident told me that "this place, for all the pain it has sometime brought, allowed my wife to take five years of maternity leave to raise our daughter. The affordable rent gave us the chance to travel. Leaving here will change our lives completely."

A former resident who lived in Wilshire in the 60's as a Rice student wrote "...I believe that most of the other residents of Wilshire Village were older people – people who had retired and had sold their houses to live more simply... My husband’s father, who I never knew, lived in Wilshire Village in the forties after he and his first wife were divorced and while he was building himself a house... I met my husband while I lived in Wilshire Village...

"I hate to think of Wilshire Village being torn down. Houston has changed so much since 1965 when I went there to attend Rice. All the old places have changed. Rice Village is unbearably overbuilt and congested...

"I actually liked Houston back in those old days. It had a soul back then, which I think has since been sold to the devil."

(Reader comments are appreciated -- please direct to m-martin@earthwire.net)

From the Sportsdesk...

2009-02-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

by Mills-McCoin

“For once let us try to think about a political convention without losing ourselves in housing projects of fact and issue. Politics has its virtues, all too many of them -- it would not rank with baseball as a topic of conversation if it did not satisfy a great many things -- but one can suspect that its secret appeal is close to nicotine. Smoking cigarettes insulates one from one’s life, one does not feel as much, often happily so, and politics quarantines one from history; most of the people who nourish themselves in the political life are in the game not to make history but to be diverted from the history which is being made.”
-Norman Mailer

Norman Mailer followed this first paragraph with an additional... eh, 13,800 words or so in an essay that appeared in Esquire’s November issue in 1960- weeks before John F. Kennedy was elected President. In the essay, that many critics say (?) marked the beginning of a new genre of political journalism, Mailer’s idealism drove him mad about the nation’s need for the fresh and new perspective that was JFK. Mailer was cutthroat. Unashamed. Unwavering. Hateful of the many years of conventional government and politics. But Hopeful for change.
In his lengthy creed of “hipsterism” that clearly influenced the rest of the Sixties, Mailer called out for a hero. A man he called, “the edge of mystery” and “a great box office actor.” The essay was titled “Superman Comes to the Supermarket”.

Okay let’s stop here... and discuss the elephant in the room.

Obviously, Norman Mailer was NOT referring to JFK. Norman Mailer was talking about uh Barack Obama.
Somehow Norman Mailer saw the future. Maybe he watched every episode of the soap opera called Holy Shit!: The 2008 Presidential Election. Maybe he caught reruns of How Is This Happening?: The W Years. I don’t know. I can only speculate,... which is very fun to do.
But somehow Norman Mailer saw America’s maddening crave for a hero in 2008, as well as in 1960. An animate figure, possibly from Earth, to save our souls and cancel our entire 8-year-debt of fuck ups with his American Express Red White and Blue Card. A man (maybe, who knows) to solve all of our problems: heal the sick, feed the poor, and put cash in the hands of people that don’t spend it well anyway! Hope! Change! Amen! Hollalelujiah!

Like us... Norman Mailer and the rest of 1960 America got their Hero. He was tall. Handsome. Had a place in Cape Cod. He was Catholic (that was weird). I think he had a birthday once... But in his mere three years as President, JFK didn’t change the things that America had hoped he would. Instead, supporters like Norman Mailer, found him to be the same old hat that smelled of War, Depression, and Fear. To idealists, JFK turned out to be just a politician, not a hero.
In “The Presidential Papers”, Mailer jotted down this of Kennedy: "he had the face of a potential hero, but he embodies nothing, he personifies nothing, he is power, rather a quizzical power, without light or principle."
In the end they shot him.

Here’s my point:
1960 America expected one man, JFK, to change the fortunes of an entire nation. Almost half a century later, We are expecting the same Fourth Quarter Hail Mary from President Obama.
Breaking News: Superman is not real. Cheers.

People's Party II: A history of Houston’s Black Panthers

2009-02-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

By Robinson Block

"The pigs assassinated Carl in an attempt to destroy the party, but their attempt failed because pig brutality and murder is one of the phenomena that brought the party to birth. The oppressive conditions that Black people and all poor people suffer from is the reason why the party managed to stay together and it is because of these conditions that it will continue to get stronger.." – James Aaron, Chairman of People's Party II

I have attempted to at least partially dig up the history of People's Party II, an organization in Houston based on the Black Panther Party. I was unable to find any scholarship on the People's Party II, and the activists I spoke with are also unaware of any scholarship on the local organization. What I have put together here is based on some of the news articles I have been able to find, and the testimony of activists in and around People's Party II and the Black Liberation Struggles that took place in Houston.
Peoples Party II began early in the 1970's as Black Panther Party chapters were being established all across the United States. The success of the Voting Rights Act and other legislation that was won by the civil rights movement was largely viewed as inadequate to young urban blacks, and youth generally. Many participants in the civil rights movement were beginning to become impatient with the slow pace of reform and the tactics of non-violence which were closely associated with the activism of groups organizing and mobilizing for civil rights in the south. One group that presented these frustrations and made much more radical demands quickly became the vanguard of the black power movement; The Black Panther Party for Self-Defense.
Started in Oakland California by Oakland Community College Students Huey Newton and Bobby Seale in October of 1966, the Black Panther Party for Self-Defense created a ten point program demanding employment, housing, and end to police brutality and self-determination for black people in the United States. The Black Panther Party was inspired by the a a number of revolutionary movements and largely Marxist and Maoist political philosophy. They organized as a cadre formation, creating social programs like free breakfast programs, clinics, and armed community patrols to help defend the black community from police harassment and brutality.
Both the aesthetics, militancy, and revolutionary ideas of the Black Panther became very popular with Black urban youth, particularly men and chapters began to pop up all across the country. The Panthers ideas also became very popular with revolutionary youth outside of the black community, such as the Puerto Rican Young Lords in Chicago and New York, the Mexican American Brown Berets in California and Texas, the Asian Red Guard in California, and White formations like the White Panthers in Detroit, Young Patriots in Chicago and others, who all modeled their groups on the Black Panthers.
The first establishment of a Black Panther Party Chapter in Houston ended up being very controversial, and limited the appeal of the later People's Party II. The founder, Willie “Iceman” Rudd is widely believed to have been an agent for a law enforcement agency. Rudd had traveled to Oakland to get permission to establish a chapter in Houston. He was accompanied by the wife of Lee Otis Johnson, a black activist in Houston that had been sentenced to 30 years for giving a marijuana cigarette to an undercover police officer. With this high profile companion, Rudd received permission from the National office to start a chapter in Houston. When Rudd returned to Houston, he reached out to black activists already organizing at Texas Southern University and th University of Houston.

Eventually many people became suspicious of Rudd, who claimed to be employed by the AFL-CIO, but had an expensive car and endless free time. Following numerous suspicious events, there was a meeting following a speaking event of Bobby Seale, where Rudd was confronted, and Seale dissolved the Houston Chapter.
This made the reception of Carl's Hampton's efforts to organize a chapter of the Panthers in Houston very cool. Carl grew up in Pleasantville in east Houston. He moved to California in his teens, and when he returned to Houston in 1969, he was determined to establish a Black Panther Party Chapter. His efforts to recruit membership from the TSU and UH campus was not very well received due to the recent problems with the Party under Rudd. With little support from students, Hampton set up in the middle of the working class neighborhood of Third Ward, opening an office on Dowling street.
The Growth of popularity of the Black Panther Party had lead to new chapters opening all over the county, at this point in 1970 when Carl Hampton began organizing, the National Office in Oakland was not approving new chapters. Not having permission to open a BPP chapter, he called the organization People's Party 2, seeing the Black Panthers as the first people's party. Despite having a different name, Hampton and the other young men and women that began organizing in Houston envisioned People's Party II as aspiring to be Panthers and do the work of the Party.
Hampton was inspired by the work of the Black Panther Party in Chicago, including the Rainbow Coalition, an alliance of the Young Lords, Young Patriots, Students for a Democratic Society, and the Blackstone Rangers street gang. In the very early stages of Carl Hampton's organizing in Houston, he met with Robert E Lee Jr. a Panther who grew up in Jasper Texas and organized with Fred Hampton and the Chicago Black Panther Party.
Hampton and Lee met at the apartment of Mickey Leeland, a black activist who later became a Democratic congressman for Houston. They watched the film American Revolution 2, which documented the establishment of the Rainbow Coalition in Chicago.
Carl Hampton was fascinated by the possibilities of organizing with white youth, particularly the Young Patriots, who used the confederate flag as there logo. This inspired Hampton and People's Party II began to work with the Mexican American Youth Organization (or MAYO) and the John Brown Revolutionary League, a white revolutionary group that grew out of Students for a Democratic Society. These groups worked together in opposing police brutality in Houston, such as the killing of Bobby Joe Connor, a black youth who was stomped to death by Galena Park police in April of 1970. The Rainbow Coalition also worked to show opposition to the Vietnam war.
The area of Dowling Street where People's Party II had set up was a working class and lumpen neighborhood there were a number of commercial businesses, as well as a open air drug market (reportedly robitussen was very popular) in the alley behind Wolf's department store and apartment and shotgun houses crammed with a high population density. They regularly interacted with the residents of the neighborhood winning support from many of the young folks, but also earning some ill will from the drug dealers and pimps who's business was were viewed as exploitative form of predatory capitalism and destructive to the black community. The Panthers would work to help victims of theft or burglary locate their stolen goods from pawn shops. PPII began to work in esablishing survival programs such as clothing and food programs.
The time that People's Party II spent organizing on Dowling Street came to an explosive point in July of 1970. A black teenager selling the Black Panther paper on Dowling street was stopped and hassled by 2 white police officers. Carl Hampton arrived on the scene and intervened on behalf of the youth. Hampton was open carrying a automatic pistol, which was legal at the time, but provoked an angry response from the Police officers. The Police attempted to arrest Hampton and guns were drawn by both parties. Party Members from the office emerged with weapons and the police moved to their car and radioed for backup. The scene quickly became a standoff.
A large contingent of Houston Police arrived quickly and attempted to negotiate the arrest of Hampton who had moved into the fortified office on Dowling street. A large crowd of Third Ward residents gathered in the street, press reports claim as many as 2,000 people, many moving in between the police and the People's Party Headquarters. Many people present had witnessed the initial confrontation and the crowd was outraged with the over the top police response. Ester King recalled many members of the crowd arriving with firearms and other things that could have been used as weapons.

With the situation escalating rapidly, the Houston Police Department decided to temporarily withdraw. The crowd viewed this as a victory, and as word spread of the confrontation people from black communities all over Houston, and activists from across the city descended on Dowling street to offer their support. A number of black youth joined the party on the spot, and plans were made for an around the clock armed defense of the PPII headquarters.
Many activists expected a quick and brutal response from the police department to move into the neighborhood and attack the parties headquarters and anyone else who was in the vicinity. Many expected a response like the police attack on Texas Southern University where 300 police marched from the Jefferson Stadium (now Robertson Stadium) onto TSU's campus and opened fire on protesting students. More than 400 students were arrested and 5 were tried for the death of a Houston Police officer who was shot and killed, but were later acquitted when it became clear that the officer was killed by a bullet fired by the police.
The police department began to prepare and elaborate operation to attack the radicals that had occupied the heart of third ward. Houston's Police chief at the time, Herman Short, had taken the role of chief in the early sixties. He was a very conservative and supportive of the Jim Crow status quo. George Wallace of Alabama made statements in support of appointing someone like Short as the director of the FBI if he was to be elected president. The city's white elite was very nervous about the perception of a growing black power threat, and Short was supported by Mayor Welch and most other city officials in aggressive, possibly illegal tactics against black activists in Houston. According to Dwight Watson's book Race and the Houston Police Department 1930-1990:
“Herman Short saw Black Power as an egregious assault on the police and on the moral order and decency of the city. He received the green light to control the Panthers and other radicals from a citizenry worried about their potentially violent nature. He and the police CID commanders used surveillance and informants to detail every move of the panthers.”
By July 26th more than 2 weeks after the standoff began, many began to think that the police had given up on trying to violently move onto Dowling Street or arrest Carl. This Sunday was also the Chicano Moratorium march in Houston's Magnolia neighborhood, and many of the Chicano and white activists that had been doing security on Dowling Street attended. This march demanding an end to the Vietnam war, and encouraging Mexican-Americans not to participate in the armed services. This was the day that Houston Police executed a large operation which by the morning of the 27th had killed Carl Hampton, resulted in the shooting of PPII member Johnny “Shotgun” Coward and John Brown Revolutionary League leader Roy Bartee Haile, and caused the arrest of more than 60 people.
Earlier in the day 2 black activists patrolling north of the Dowling Street were arrested by Houston Police, a rally of around 100 people was held in front of the PPII headquarters to raise money for the bail of the arrested activists. At the same time Houston Police were setting up in the St Johns Baptist Church, just a block Northeast on Dowling Street. Someone in the neighborhood noticed white people on the roof of the church and notified the rally. Carl Hampton dismissed the rally in hopes of dispersing the civilians in the crowd, if the scene became violent. Hampton crossed to the east side of the street and walked up towards Wolf's Department Store to see what was going on at the church. As he reached the east side of the street he was shot several times by a sniper from the second story of the church and hit with dum-dum rounds.
A firefight began between People's Party II and their supporters and the Houston Police. Many of the residents of the apartment complex just south of St. Johns Church open fire on the police in addition to party members. Carl Hampton was picked up by a neighborhood woman, who Hampton had befriended in the past and worked as a prostitute. While under fire from the police in the church, she was able to drive out of the alleyway on Tuam where there was usually an open air drug market, in order to evade police checkpoints established on Dowling and Elgin. She took Hampton to Ben Taub Hospital, first taking off his beret and buttons that identified him as an activist, and checked him into the hospital with the ID of her husband. Hampton died in the hospital early in the morning.
The aftermath of the shootout was very messy. 64 people were arrested, and three were shot There were lengthy prosecutions of Johnny Coward and Bartee Haile, and near constant police harassment for years afterwards. James Aaron, an 18 year old took over as the Chairman of People's Party II, and along with Charles Boko Freeman, were the primary leadership of the organization after Carl's death. While the death of Carl was tragic, as the man whose vision and efforts had put the Party in motion, it also served to steel the resolve of the members of People's Party II and gave them a higher level of recognition in the community.
There was a short lived black coalition after Carl's assassination that included a broad range of the black community, from radical activists to businessmen and athletes, that pressured the city for reform of the police department which continued to brutalize black brown and young people. The leadership of the coalition was Pluria Marshal of Operation Breadbasket and Earl Allen of Hope Development. This Coalition pushed for a boycott of downtown businesses viewing the white business leaders as those who really called the shots in town and hoping to pressure Mayor Louie Welch into taking action to end police brutality against the black community.
Also, 1971 saw some of the first electoral victories from black politicians, including the first black city councilor Judson Robinson Jr. Many of these black officials lobbied Welch to fire the police chief, Welch referred to these demands as “incoherent babbling” in the Houston Post.
This period of time saw widespread repression of the Black Power movement in the United States, the Black Panthers in particular. While it was largely unknown at the time, the FBI had began Counter Intelligence Programs (or COINELPRO), plans to disrupt and destroy the Black Panthers and prevent the rise of a “Black Messiah.” The militant and continual organizing by the panthers resulted in multiple arrests, prosecutions and incarcerations of Black Panther activists. As repression mounted, more and more energy went into trying to keep members out of prison and support those who had been incarcerated.
The Continued harassment of Black Panther Party Chapters by federal and local law enforcement agencies made it very difficult for them to accomplish many of their desired programs. Following Hampton's murder, efforts were made to open a clinic on Dowling Street, and later in 5th ward, however neither ended up materializing.
There were many programs that did end up being fairly successful, the Panthers initiated a program to test for sickle cell anemia that took place on TSU's campus, and opened a Free Breakfast Program, in a church in Houston's Fourth Ward. Peoples Party II operated a 'liberation school' every Sunday in Cuney homes, a public housing project just north of Texas Southern University, providing childcare and education services to residents. One of their most successful programs was the Free Pest Control Program, where Party members would help residents in treating infestations of roaches, fleas and rats.
Peoples Party II had attempted to construct and operate a clinic on Dowling Street at Tuam, with support from radical whites. Due to very constant police harassment and arrests of whites on charges of prostitution and loitering, the Dowling Street clinic never became fully operational. In 1971, the Black Panther Party had acquired a building in Fifth Ward and appealed to black contractors to help renovate it. They received support from architect and contractors who donated supplies and labor, but never were unable to make it operational.
While the Peoples Party and Black Panthers were largely viewed as fringe and extremist by the elites of Houston's black community, they were sometimes able to get support from the black community such as the support given by black contractors and businessmen for the renovation of a building in Fifth Ward as a clinic for the black community. They Panthers operated breakfast out of a Church in 4th ward and assisted Operation Breadbasket a project that had been started by the Reverend Jesse Jackson to provide food to poor families.
In the Fall of 1971 the national Black Panther Party in Oakland recognized People's Party II as an official chapter of the Black Panther Party, in no small part due to the sacrifice of Carl Hampton, and the name was changed from People's Party II to the Houston Chapter of the Black Panther Party.
The Houston police continued to direct large amounts of resources to moinitoring and disrupting the activities of radicals in Houston, with Blacks, and People's Party II as a top priority.
This police harassment of the Houston Panthers, included a house raid in June of 1971 where 7 people were forced out of the house by police at gunpoint and arrested, including James Aaron, and Claude Frost. Subsequently, Charles Freeman and Johnny Coward were arrested the same day. The newspapers would print the names and addresses of those arrested, which surely intimidated people sympathetic to the cause that did not want their home address printed in the newspaper.
Earlier, in February of 1971 police arrested 4 Peoples Party II activists for fixing a car in front of the peoples party II headquarters, based on a law against doing work on a car's engine on a street unless its an emergency. The activists were fixing a flat tire. While in custody, police planted a matchbox full of marijuana on Charles Freeman, and he was later indited on Felony possession charges. This reminded many of the Lee Otis Johnson case, the SNCC activist who was convicted in 1968 of giving a joint to an undercover police officer, and sentenced to 30 years. Johnson was eventually release from prison after serving 5 years after national outcry and a lot of work by progressive lawyers.
Freeman was eventually acquitted by an all white jury in October of 1971, because they did not believe the police testimony, after having to be bailed out of prison and undergo a trial being defended by Bobby Caldwell. This constant harassment drained energy, time and resources from People's Party activists.
According to Charles Boko Freeman, the Party was active in Houston until 1974, when the National chapter in Oakland dissolved the local group and recalled the membership to California to assist in work being done there. As the seventies wore on the strength and prominence of the Black Power Movement, and the Black Panther Party became a shadow of its former self. The FBI's counterintelligence programs had been successful in excacerbating a split between Huey Newton and Eldridge Cleaver, which resulted in many Panthers and supporters joining the Black Liberation Army, an organization dedicated to armed struggle which viewed the Panthers emphasis on survival programs as reformist. Dozens of Panther members were jailed or forced to flee the country.
At the same time the concessions of better political representation to African Americans served to temper the impatience of young people who wanted radical social change. In Houston the end of at large city and county elections allowed Black and Latin@ communities to elect their own representatives.
The legacy of the Black Panther Party is an important one in understanding the period of the 1960's and 70's as well as the efforts of revolutionary movements in the United States to study as a serious organizing effort towards radically trasforming out society. Houston's local movement is still not widely know or documented, and there is still quite a bit of work that needs to be done in order to contextualize the time and place that People's Party was working in, and connect all the dots to other local and national events and struggles. Hopefully this will help scratch the surface.

Worst of Houston

2009-01-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

"Houston isn't really a city; it's just a big machine for administering the interests of petroleum conglomerates." -M.Martin

Illustrations Tim Dorsey

Here we are again: Another January and another Worst of Houston. So let us clarify our intentions with this feature. We wish not to denigrate our fair city but to lift it up by shining a light on Houston’s most putrid aspects in the hopes that we can work together to eradicate them. Fair enough? Well, read on and let us know.

Worst Magazine: Downtown Magazine.

This goes beyond simply being bad; this is worthy of contempt! Even at first glance Downtown Magazine stinks of a publisher with infinite monetary resources and an inversely proportional amount of brains and taste to go with it. Just look at it - a thick cardstock cover, thick glossy pages, and even thin metallic red lettering; we’re talking big bucks here. There’s nothing wrong with having money behind your publication but, unfortunately, you open up this rag and it’s devoid of any worthwhile content or personality. It reads with less charm than a Greensheet except that, instead of trying to sell you a 1972 Chevy that’s naturally air conditioned, the brain trust at the Houston Downtown Management District and the Houston Downtown Alliance are trying to sell you on the idea that Downtown is the land of the wealthy, hip, and cultured. The only problem with this charade is the writing and the layout have the same sanitized and soulless plastic smile as someone greeting you in a visitor center and all readers can do is to cringe, shake it’s hand, then find the nearest bathroom to wash-off the ickyness. My suggestion to HDMD and HDA - stop wasting your member’s money on this fiasco and take up another less embarrassing hobby.

-Ramon Medina

Worst local statistics: Houston (and Texas’) uninsured residents

There are 1.1 million uninsured residents of Harris County. Considering there are 40 million uninsured nationwide, we have one of the highest rates and more than our fair share. That’s basically one in four people. The huge number of uninsured residents here means that health officials must make tough decisions every day about who gets treated and when. That equals rationing. As for Texas, it Sadly rates 1st in the amount of uninsured children in the state which is a staggering 24.1 percent according to the Census Bureau. According to USA today, “The state has forfeited more than $900 million in federal money under the Children's Health Insurance Program (CHIP) during the past six years because it wouldn't put up 28 cents for each 72 cents in federal aid. Restrictions put in place in 2003 cut about 200,000 children from the program in a state with the highest percentage of uninsured children, nearly twice the national average.” Let’s face it, the system is broken.

- Omar Afra

Worst Juxtaposition of an impeccably, amazing burger with an inadequate fry count: Rudyards
Now I’m not saying this place is a “worst”, they just may be the best, but, their balance of fry to burger ratio is balanced like the Harris County Crime Lab. Come on guys, we know you have bags of those things in the little back area by the Dart Board, BUST EM OUT! I don’t understand the logic in providing the best Veggie Burger IN TOWN right next to the most meager portion of potato sidekicks IN LIFE. Several Houstonians have even suggested drawing a comic detailing the lives of the M.I.A. Rudyard’s Fries --- Are they out at the Seawall tryin to catch waves before the sun comes up? Have they found a more comfortable plate to rest their burnt ends? Please Rudz, please, for the love of all things Montrosian, find the fries and schedule them to work doubles.
-Shelby Hohl

Worst Media Fraud: The ‘return’ of the Public News

Ken Petty. an ex-evangelist out of Spring, TX tried to ‘re-launch’ the old beloved Public News this last year. PN was the standard bearer for underground music, art, and feature papers in this town before it was gobbled up by the parent company of the Houston Press. Well, the DBA that Houston Press acquired expired leaving the brand un-owned. Seeing this ‘golden’ opportunity, Petty paid the 10 bux for the DBA and tried his darndest to publish the shittiest piece of shit shit he could muster called Public News. He stole the original logo whch is now ostensibly intellectual property owner by Houston Press, went and downloaded a 10 year old version of Pagemaker, and got right to work. Managing only enough gumption to defraud enough advertisers and bamboozle staffers to publish 1 issue, the new version of what was the voice of the Montrose became rife with advertorials, articles about crap bands, and rants against the Montrose. It shortly thereafter folded and the internet is littered with complaints from staff members and advertisers who Petty owes money or lied to. Anyways, fuck you Ken Petty for trashing the good name of Public News (who many FPH staffers previously worked for.)
-Kevin

Worst of Local Band Beefs : ALL OF THEM.

Okay so Houston may not have the greatest music scene in the world but, at the very least, everyone involved should practice some kind solidarity to strengthen our growing musical nest. When I hear about local bands “beefing” I want to throw all parties involved in the trunk of an 88’ Olds’, drive them to Trinity Gardens and let anyone named “Tre” show them what real beef is. For one thing, what would Houston bands have to beef about? “That” girl in “that” band has the same streak in her hair as “that” girl from “that” band? Oh, “so and so” didn’t let you use their amp after they were done playing? Come on guys, none of this bullshit necessitates a “beef”. A beef is necessitated by the following: When rappers aren't good enough lyricists to have fans or just want some publicity, they will copy Tupac and Biggie and set up a beef with another rapper.

Their audience of mainly wannabe, gangsta-rich, white folk love this because if they meet another wannabe gangsta who listens to a rival of their favourite rapper, they are allowed to exchange poorly thought-up insults such as 'yo mama'.

Get it right or pay the price : MORE HOUSTON PRESS ARTICLES TALKING ABOUT “LACK OF SCENE”.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst Houston Sports Franchise Owner: Bob McNair

In 1997, Houston Texans and Stonerside Stables owner, Bob McNair, asked the National Hockey League about bringing a hockey expansion team to Houston. The NHL replied, “The Compaq Center is a shit hole and no one in Texas watches hockey,” (I’m sure the phrasing was slightly different). Clearly, Bob didn’t want to own a football franchise from the “get-go.” So then, why did he buy one?

The answer is: Let’s look at some statistics from those bat shit crazy analysts at Forbes Magazine:

The Houston Texans have the second highest operating income.

The Houston Texans have the fourth highest revenue.

The $300 million naming-rights deal for the stadium is the richest in the NFL.

The McNair Doctrine: if your team sucks every year then expectations are low- but people will still buy merchandise because people also have hope. He he he- ha ha ha. Cha- Ching!

Honorable Mention: Whoever owned the Houston Comets

-Mills-McCoin

Worst Eco-Friendly Farce : Houston’s Recycling ranking

Houston was rightfully labeled as the nation's worst recycling city this year in a waste survey encompassing the country's 30 largest cities. Though we are the energy capital of the world and the fourth largest city in the nation, we came in last place compared to over 26 cities with a smaller population, with only 2.6% of our waste being recycled. That pales in comparison to San Francisco, who ranked first with an impressive 69% of their trash being recycled. Just one more thing to add to the 'Why Houston Sucks' box.

-Andrea Afra

Worst Newspaper: The Montgomery County Bulletin

It seems like every year this award goes to The Houston Chronicle, but this year a small alt-weekly from the suburbs is much more deserving. The Montgomery County Bulletin was investigated by the Washington Post's online magazine Slate in August for plagiarism. Since almost every article in the Bulletin was stolen, Jody Rosen, the reporter who broke the story, wondered if "in purely statistical terms, do the articles in the Montgomery County Bulletin amount to the greatest plagiarism scandal in the annals of American journalism?"
After the Slate article went live on August 6 the Columbia Journalism Review, one of the largest academic journals in the country devoted to the study of journalism, openly mocked the Bulletin for obviously stealing from such obscure sources as USA Today, Rolling Stone, Salon, Boston Globe, Dallas Observer and the Houston Press.
Honorable Mention: Houston Chronicle (for tradition's sake).
-Alex

Worst Example of HPD'S Not-So-Hidden Fascist Agenda: Armored Vehicles in Montrose telling people to return to their homes during Ike
It was bad enough having to camp out in your own home in the aftermath of a natural disaster. It was worse having to deal with the insufferable insult of being told you could not leave the aforementioned home after dark, for fear of being treated like a looter.

But the absolute shit icing on the cake was the sight of what looked like HPD-logo'd armored personnel carriers roaming the streets, and having to listen to some asshole cop over a loudspeaker reminding you that you were locked down like the inhabitant of some wretched 3rd world banana republic that can't spend a dime on infrastructure, but has tons of cash for paramilitary toys....

Houston isn't really a city; it's just a big machine for administering the interests of petroleum conglomerates...in the aftermath of Ike, that became all too painfully apparent.

-M.Martin

Worst Fresh Baked Bread: All Kroger's Stores

Will someone please tell me what that funny yet not at all delicious smell is that emanates from the Kroger's bakery? I've tried many of their made in-store breads and even the pastries have an odd taste and odor reminiscent of institutional floor wax and warmed over feet. I just can't quite place it.
-Aziza

Worst Sound Guy: Take a guess..

He works at the House of Blues now, but before that he just recently got fired from The Meridian. Before that he was fired from The Engine Room. Both places are synonymous in the music community as having the worst possible sound and it's been because of him. I bet House of Blues starts giving locals and nationals the same shoddy treatment he gave to everyone at his old venues.
He is, hands down, the worst sound guy in town.
-MB

   Worst Drivers: Westside Commuters

I speak specifically of soccer moms and corporate dads. You people are fucking crazy. Flying past me on the freeway at 90mph+ risking my and my children's lives just so you can gain a few minutes off your daily soul sucking commute. I get the fact that you are used to high speeds and that from your oversized house-on-wheels vehicles, it doesn't feel that fast. But I drive the speed limit in the slow lane just to stay out of your suicidal way and still you ride my ass, passing around me so close that your side tires don't even leave my lane. I used to make that drive myself but I realized that time is more precious than saving a few bucks on a shittily built home that looks like every other future tear down within 10 miles in exchange for the joie de vie being sucked out of me with every rotation of my wheels. Either move closer to where you work/shop/drink or slow the fuck down. Attention Soccer Moms: We built you an eighteen lane wide freeway to try and thwart the congestion you cause each day because you insist on barreling around town in your Suburbans while your 3.2 children are not even in the vehicle. I wonder how many lives would be saved if just cut to the chase and built you a Saks Fifth Avenue out at Katy Mills.  

-Commandrea

Worst of Guilty Feelings Only Applicable to 1% of Houstonians: Having power during Ike
Every friend, neighbor, foe, and Lost Boy, experienced an extended loss of all things electrical during the weeks following Hurricane Ike. However, a few of us had power and were morally obligated to cater to anyone who needed anything from charging cell phones to just sitting in the air conditioning. I was one of the “chosen” and did not realize the severity of the power shortage most of Houston was enduring. During the first few hours of all power being out – I returned to my well-lit home, proceeded to set up a 150w Flood Light, and attempted to burn a screen for a concert poster that was due the next day, for a show that ended up not happening due to the weather. While my friends were scrambling to find ANYWHERE to charge their cell phones, I managed to short out my breaker box three times (that I just went and flipped back on), cooked 3-course meals, and caught up on any Adult Swim cartoons I may have missed. I just want to say sorry to everyone for being ungrateful, I should have actually made myself into a “worst of”….oh well, maybe next year.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst City Revenue Generator: Sex Trade

Take the money and run. That's the motto behind the City of Houston's stance on the sex trade in Houston. Never mind the studies that show how the majority of sex workers are victims of bad circumstance or worse yet, slaves via the human trafficking circuit, there's money to be made, people! Play along and you'll reap the rewards too. Hundreds of local businesses pay annual fees for sexually oriented business licenses to operate store front brothels posing as 'massage parlors' et al. Also consider the cash generated by task squads during raids and prostitution stings, where not only are fines issued, but all cash and valuables on the person or property that is busted are seized and auctioned off for a sweet commission.

-Andrea Afra

Worst cable Provider: COMCAST

Comcast Cable plays good cop, bad cop with their customers. They will send you a notice that they are raising the rates of their Internet service for instance. When I called they told me my rate would be the same, yet when the bill came it was double the previous month's bill. When you call, of course, you have to go through the usual phone menu. The billing department just refers you to a supervisor. They give you a number that nobody ever answers and when you get to the beep to leave a message the mailbox is full.
As fate would have it I ran into an old friend who works for Satan, er I mean Comcast. He told me what to do, and now dear reader I will reveal the secret to you. Call Comcast, go through the menu but instead of pushing the number for billing, push the number for Technical. Tell tech that you want to drop your service. Tech will immediately switch you to a covert department called Save. The save department will make everything right, reduce your payment amount or whatever it takes to keep you from dropping your service. Ta-da.

-Mr. Don’t attach my name to this because ComCast will fuck me

Worst of Local ‘Non-News’ Coverage : Hurricane Eduardo

Wow, can we say weather machine any louder? Local news stations had field reporters scouring the Seawall for any sign of cataclysmic fear tactic they could instill in the Houston public. For what was very obviously just a government test to see if New Orleans could withstand another storm, and a reason to implement Military Police at every corner of any metropolitan area on the Gulf Coast, the newscasters really made “Hurricane” Eduardo seem as if our only saviors would be our beautiful boys in blue and not asking any questions. I saw newscasters standing at 33 degree angles(wink wink) with NO WIND EVEN BLOWING to show Houstonians “how crazy it really was out there”. It makes one wonder what goes through the head of someone who is knowingly lying to all of their neighbors and loved ones about potential catastrophe for ratings that are only dropping because YouTube exists. Maybe the local news stations should send their field reporters into cyber space to create mock tragedies affecting all potential YouTube views for two weeks. Whatever you do, next time they feed us bullshit, don’t be afraid to ask why it smells funny.

-Shelby Hohl

Worst Stench: Most Bars After the Smoking Ban Started

We have all waited patiently and hoped that it would gradually diminish but to our olafactorial dismay, it has only gotten worse. Somewhere betwixt the realms of pickle-relish and red wine vinaigrette, lies the odor that has been left behind in the bars after the smoke has long cleared. Regular barflies may have grown accustomed to their watering hole's signature fragrance, but for those of us who bar hop, each establishment is distinguished by its own eau de funk.

-Commandrea

Worst Local Wikipedia Editor: PostOak

Local Wiki editor ‘PostOak’ has a beef with FPH. After we truthfully and accurately adding the 2006 Worst of Houston accolade to socialite-philanthropist Carolyn Farb’s entry, this friend of Farb removed our addition. After we reposted it, he again removed it and subsequently removed the Free Press Houston Wiki-profile by citing it as a ‘non-notable’ publication. This was clearly a vindictive act not befitting an editor. If you know who this piss-ant is and let us know, we will buy you a steak and lobster dinner.

-Omar Afra

Worst Public-Private Partnership: Discovery Green

If you had not read our 2008 feature on this park, then let me give you the skinny on Discovery Green. This city spent 122 million dollars on this park that is basically a green top to an overpriced parking garage. Think Kemah Boardwalk meets Sugarland Mall. There ain’t much green about it. It’s basically a couple fields, a playground, and a murky brown ‘pond’ that serve to facilitate traffic into the 2 restaraunts located in the ‘park’. Also, this is a public-private partnership so you can’t do the things you do at other parks such as barbecue, serve food to the homeless, etc. Considering the exceedingly high amount of neighborhood parks in Houston that are in disrepair, it’s a abomination to spend 122 million+ dollars on this plastic ‘park’.

-Omar Afra

Worst City ordinance: Houston newsrack ordinace

Sharon Lauder, publisher of the Houston Tribune, has appeared before City Council numerous times attesting to the unfairness of the ordinance which requires all sidewalk newsracks to be within specific parameters in size and weight, set atop a 95 pound concrete base, made of metal, and "fir green" in color.

According to Ms. Lauder, only a small percent of newspaper publishers were invited to the pre-planning of the ordinance, none of whom use the plastic newsracks. Most of the publishers of smaller, free papers use the plastic racks because they do not rust. Because they are free, these publications don't need coin operated boxes (i.e. metal boxes) which are more cost prohibitive.

She also asserts that the ordinance was twice altered to accomodate the Houston Press.

Ms. Lauder asserts that the practical effect of this ordinance is to make it impossible for small papers to distribute using newsracks and thereby limits the freedom of the press. Being unable to make any progress with City Council, Ms. Lauder filed a lawsuit in the Federal Court.

-Jo Collier

Worst way to conduct public business: Metro Rail

Do the people fear eminent domain powers run amock? Does the street flood?
Will they rob the property owners? What do you think.
With the current eco impacts, we may see Metro only build a rail line, but someday we will see the fruit of the seed planted by Metro's authority to take 162 acres of land around each rail station, or stop as it were. And the idiots I know say, "Oh I'll just go to the mayor and stop that." Sure thing. Who do think set this up with the local power dealers?

-Mr. Anonymous

Worst Vulgar Display of religion: Grace Community Church

Pastor Steve Riggle of Grace has proposed a daisy of an idea to build a 150 ft. high cross at both the north and south extremes of Houston where the two campuses of his church are. I am all for freedom of expression, freedom of religion, and freedom in general. But some things are just done in bad taste and are inflammatory. Considering the city just put the kibosh on the giant inflatable promo animals that car lots use, why not this symbol of genocide, oppression, and capitalism as well?

-Omar Afra

Worst Art Appreciator in Houston: Wayne Dolcefino

“So maybe someday cavemen trying to frighten traffic on Allen Parkway or a girl making nice with a Dr. Pepper bottle will sort of be like a Picasso.” –Wayne Dolcefino

The face of the Channel 13 Undercover Team, aka “Dolcefinko” aka “WD-400” aka “I Said No”, is sneering his way to infamy. No further evidence is needed than his constantly revised Wikipedia page, where spirited but spurious allegations like “Wayne rapes Asian babies” keep popping up. Dolcefino spent November digging up dirt on the Houston Arts Alliance, and devoted the opening segment on the seven o’clock news for a week and a half to convincing viewers they were being fleeced by the only public arts program in Houston. Ignoring the fact that a hotel occupancy tax that funds HAA is actually paid for by visitors to the city, WD-400 pounded away at HAA Director Jonathan Glus like a sweaty impotent drunk in the broom closet with his cousin. He asked Glus to read a sentence, which he shouldn’t have agreed to. It’s funny when people say “I’m not gay but I want someone to fuck me in the ass as soon as possible” on TV, but its not recommended for those who hold a decent job.
Five chin-wagging reports later Dolcefinko decided to take on glasstire.com, which is partially funded by the Houston Arts Alliance. I really don’t want to imagine his drooly delight when he watched a piece posted on B.S. Houston Artblog by the Performance Art Lab called “Dr. Pepper.” I would like to know the randy jokes he made up the next day when he brought the video into work and showed his co-workers (who probably don’t like him very much) the satiric advertisement where a woman fellates, ahem, deep throats, a bottle of good ‘ol DP. Oh yeah, he put it on the tube. He played two seconds of the beginning and then blurred the image, launching into a whole ‘too hot for TV’ routine. “Should YOU be paying for this smut?” The artist in a collective posted it on Youtube, the blogger picked it up and posted a link, the non-profit who employed the blogger received a grant from the organization that funds art with money received from the tourist tax, and the reporter who was too bored to find a real scandal says that you shouldn’t pay for it. God this is all so stupid. In his farewell, Dolcefino made a short aside, which qualified him as the Worst Art Appreciator of the Year: “Just so you will know, one viewer argued the Dr. Pepper video is art, because it's really mocking the use of sex to market beverages. Go figure.”

-Buffalo Sean

Worst shit that has happened to local music: Venue closings

2008 was a shitty year for Houston live music venues. Proletariat closed. Engine Room closed. Super Happy Fun Land closed temporarily. Notsuoh maybe sold. Fuck.
-Omar Afra

Worst dick move: Great American Insurance

Great American Insurance refused to pay $25 million in liability for a 2007 office fire that killed three people.

The basics: In 2007 Vocational Nurse Misty Ann Weaver started a fire to cover the fact that she had missed a paperwork deadline. The fire raged out of control and three people died from smoke inhalation. Since the people died from smoke inhalation instead of flames, Great American is trying to use a "pollution exclusion" to avoid paying for the deaths. Apparently in the mind of Great American a fire produces light, heat and smog.

-Alex

Worst Death: Pimp C  

The Pimp is gone. What a waste. Sizzurp, along with the rest of opiates, fucking suck.  

"My man RoRo jus lost his baby in a house fire And then when I got on my knees that night to pray I asked God why he let these killas live and take my homeboy's son away Man if you got kids show em you love em cuz God jus might call em home Cuz one day you here but baby the next day you gone " 
Pimp C from One Day  

-Omar Afra

Worst Fall from Grace: Luby's Cafeteria

I ate so much Luby's when I was a kid that it has permanently mutated into my DNA. I have great memories their of fried fish, mash potatoes, and green beans. Unfortunately, the homegrown cafeteria was bought out by the Pappas company and has evolved into a middle school cafeteria. My first gripe is that now just about every single vegetable has bacon in it. I mean, a motherfucker says 'I wanna eat vegetables'. Let him eat vegetables without the ass of swine. Both kinds of green beans they offer have bacon. Even more annoying, despite the cafeteria setting, Luby's now has waiters come to your table after you have purchased and paid for your food. They want tips for bringing you napkins and straws. Their prices have gone up as everyone else's has yet the quality has taken the plunge. I now got to Cleburnes.
-Omar Afra

Worst bunch of Bastards: HPD  

That's right fuckers. You won't find me. I am the one that put boogers in your cheeseburger. Go fucking catch a burglar instead of harrassing me for my music being too loud. I know some of you guys are good, but the lion's share of you screw it up for the 3 or 4 nice cops. 
-Belligerent Me

Worst resignation: Paul Bettencourt

Former Harris County Tax-Assessor Collector Paul Bettencourt was without a doubt the sleaziest resignation in a year dominated by sleazy resignations. Bettencourt resigned a month after being re-elected in order to "pursue a career in the private sector." By resigning almost as soon as he was re-elected he screwed the voters by giving the county commissioners a chance to handpick the county's Tax-Assessor Collector. Many Texas politicos think that Bettencourt's resignation was either planned months ahead of time or enacted after he'd been named in a Federal Civil Rights Lawsuit. The Harris County Democratic Party is suing Bettencourt over allegations that he disenfranchised voters. For those that didn't pay attention in government class, in Texas the county Tax-Assessor Collector is also the county vote registrar. Bettencourt is accused of failing to process 13,000 voter registration cards before election day as well as unfairly and unjustly disqualifying many of the cards his office did process for "mistakes."

- Alex

Worst local public servant scandal: Chuck Rosenthal

He sent his secretary an e-mail about 'toys' from his work address? Come on man, what were you thinking? Everyone knows that if you set up an anonymous e-mail account, make sure it isn't named HoustonDA@yahoo.com. Jesus, didn't you learn anything from prosecuting all those criminals?

-Alex

Worst weather reporting of the year: February cold front

Wall to wall coverage of a winter freeze. 24-hour-news coverage of falling temperatures. Reporters watching ice melt. It was 30 degrees and TV news treated it like it was the end of the world.

-Alex

Worst Dancers: Houstonian concert goers who think it's cool to just stand there

  I feel really sorry for the bands that bust their asses to come up with great tunes to rock your bod while you just stand there with hands in too tight jean pockets and look miserable. That's what I look like when I'm waiting to get my registration renewed. If the band sucks that's one thing, but if I like them I'm going to dance and you will join me or I will call you out on it. Like I just did. Resolution for 2009: To make Houston known for it's booty shakin' grin'in', whinin', live show audiences...now is that too much to ask? It's not like I'm asking you to recycle.
-Commandrea  Worst/Scariest local commercial: Brown Hand Center  It's not enough that the owner of the Hand Center left his wife to remarry a younger faker wife, but he had to edit the commercial to show this new family. The worst part though is the final line of the commercial delivered by his daughter in a voice that sounds like it was ripped from an old seventies horror film "Daddy's ba-by giiiiirrl"...freaky shit.

-Tiffany Ferguson

Worst Hipster Fashion Trend: Keffiyeh

My first inclination upon seeing hipsters wearing the symbol of Arab, and notably Palestinian, resistance was to rip them off their necks and replace them with the Vulcan death grip. But after thinking about it for awhile I decided, maybe us Arab folk should allow it under one condition: We may one day call on you to ‘do us a favor’ and help us in our next big attack. What a small price to pay for a little ‘terrorist chic’ accessorizing? So listen up college aged white people who are not familiar with the Palestinian plight: If your not willing to strap plastique to your chest for the cause or can’t spell P-L-O, then don’t wear the keffiyeh.

-Omar Afra

Worst TxDot project : Crawford Elysian Viaduct

The existing plan to convert the Crawford Elysian Viaduct into a so called parkway on the ground like Memorial Drive-- yeah, sure! No really, the plan is pushing for a worst result-- to rebuild a bridge that is not used much and make that a connection for the Hardy Toll Road even though the Toll roadway extension into the near I-10 area already has a ramp connecting to US59...so let's waste some money. Why rebuild an old funky mile long viaduct which already functions fine as an elevated? It carries one via a lovely ride over the old industrial Fifth Ward and part of Second Ward and descends into town with a cool view of the bayou and skyline.
TxDot: You guys suck and you're way out of money. Try something new like preservation and conservation. Perhaps an honest respect for archeology would be a good new program for you guys. What a waste of our real resources.

-Mr. Anonymous

Worst Song and Dance request for money: My car is out of gas

“Look man, My car is outta gas. My wife and kids are stuck down the block. I just need 5 bucks to get to Texas City. If you write down your address I will send you the money back”

-Omar Afra

Worst Houston Resident: The Douche Bag

Ungodly amounts of hair gel/product, expensive bottle service and bouncers helping them feel important marks the territory of the worst kind of Houston resident- the Douche Bag. They are most often male these Douche Bags, but the girls that consider them cool or attractive are just as depraved.
Douche Bags are merely weekend warriors when it comes to drinking. They save up all of their money during the week so they can spend it on one giant bottle of Grey Goose at one bar on Friday or Saturday night. So naturally, Douche Bags are shitty drinkers. They get drunk fast but due to the fact that their vocabulary is infinitesimal (a word not included in the Douche Bag dictionary) you really can’t tell how drunk they are. They just keep yelling things like: “Jager Bomb” and “Pomade” and “Oh my God! My collar!” At the end of the night they drive (drunk) themselves and the rest of their Douche Baggage back to their apartment or house located safely (for us) outside the Beltway.
My assumption is that Douche Baggery started somewhere in the vain city of Los Angeles. The lifestyle was somehow popularized on television and began to drift eastward. The entire city of Dallas is a Douche Bag. So, if you are from Dallas then you are a Douche Bag. You can never be too explanatory about these things.
Douche Bags do not live lavishly in their day to day life. Not at all. We’re talking about a hybrid of the $30k Millionaire. Douche Bags spend their days in Accounts Payable or putting up aluminum siding on something. Sometimes they peddle insurance or real estate. But by all accounts, they are average people (in fact, they’re the reason why we have the word “average”), which is why they have an undying need to feel important or elevated. Enter the reason why we have Douche Bag Bars.
Mostly located in Midtown and Washington Ave, these bars have the easiest job in the world: make the Idiot feel like a Jedi. This is accomplished by having long lines of Douche Bags waiting outside to get in. Once the Douche Bag gets in the bar, a resounding whisper in their head says, “You made it. You’re cool now.” Couple that with the VIP feeling that bottle service provides and you’ve got yourself a bar full of morons. Like I said, it’s the easiest business in the world. The Douche Bag ego is constantly treading on thin ice, so any little bit helps. For example, when the bouncer at the door says, “Hey man, cool shirt with a dragon on it,” he’s not saying that your shirt is cool. He’s merely suggesting that he has the same poor taste in clothes.
The Douche Bag is why we used to be the nation leading in the advancement of technology but now work on mastering ways to give you a suntan. The Douche Bag lives well beyond his means and is a direct contributor to inflation and the credit crunch. The Douche Bag goes to Rockets games and, instead of cheering in their seat, hangs out in the Lexus Lounge and watches the game on TV. They are poor in the brain. They are poor in the pocket. And if they had one, they’d be poor in the soul.
That’s right. I said it. Douche Bags have no soul. Their life is in pursuit of what’s popular on television. You know what should be popular on television? Suicide. Cheers.

Honorable Mention: the Katy Transplant- aka the Illiterate Douche Bag

-Mills-McCoin

Worst Predicament: Unemployment

It wasn't always like this. I remember mornings spent mixing and matching the same three suits to make my wardrobe appear more extensive, avoiding coffee stains in transit to my office, cleaning coffee stains with the back of my tie on the elevator up my floor. Times were good. I had a job.
I moved to Houston this August in hopes of finding gainful employment in the city in which I grew up. The job well had all but dried in New York City and it was time to take my attentions elsewhere. In an article released this summer by BusinessWeek's Proshant Gopal analyzing the top job markets for major cities across the United States, Houston invariably topped most lists of highest average income (cost of living adjusted) for a multitude of skill positions. My metropolis built on mud and magnolia was purported to be relatively insulated from the disastrous economy and subsequent horrendous job market affecting the rest of the country. I gave up pretzels on the subways for tacos on the corner. Surely my triumphant homecoming would result in a work place of my choosing. Call it youthful naivety, but at twenty-six and walking on the sunshine of my recent foray into the working world, I considered my new, swampy world my oyster.
In the last two months I have applied to over twenty jobs, ranging everywhere from assistant curator of a speaking forum to assistant editor of the very periodical you're reading. Keep in mind the word "assistant;" I have no illusions of grandeur and, having little experience in the realm of publishing, know I must start from the bottom. To provide some background, I am a fairly recent college graduate (3.79 GPA in English in case any of the faceless multitudes of human resource workers are reading- always network!) and am fairly adept with the written word. While I have worked in a law office, the hospitality industry, a surgery center, etc. I have no real practice in the literary business. The horrible catch-22 of finding employment in an industry like publishing, though this obviously applies to many other markets, is that you need experience to gain experience. While nothing new, this paradox certainly does make itself more apparent every time the dreaded "2-3 Years Experience Preferred" demand rears its ugly head in the majority of employment posts I've stomached every day for eight weeks. I apply anyway, though I feel like I'm auditioning to be a crewman on the Titanic.
I've heard more than one mention of my generation as having been brought up in "The Age of Entitlement." Those mentioning this ubiquitous line are usually of Baby Boomer ilk, murmuring admonitions about the current state of spoiled youth and our inability to earn a living. However, I'd like to point out in deference to my generation this can only be a distant echo of what our parents' parents must have thought about an age characterized by droves of longhaired flower children, sit-ins, and free love. Also, we are only the product of our environment. One can't help but hate the parents, the enablers of entitlement, on shows like MTV's "Sweet Sixteen." There is no surer sign of the apocalypse than a girl with braces crying that her convertible is the wrong color.
But I digress. Rather than dealing with the "why?" behind America's current state of affairs in the job market sector, I'm more concerned with the "what's next?" Two of my closest friends were recently laid off. One is now addicted to youtube and the other spends his nights out so the days can be slept away (there is no small connection between the current hiring environment and the recent stock surge in Anheuser-Busch). Trying to find a new job leaves one with a lot of time on his hands and finding filler can be difficult, especially when the temperature drops below t-shirt weather. I suggest joining a gym. A new, healthy body can counter the insecurities of moving back into your parents' house.
It wouldn't be so bad if I at least heard back from these potential employers. Even a simple response, a modicum of civility acknowledging the application process, would be acceptable. I could even handle an "LOL" reply to my resume from the Human Resource department of X Periodical. Hey, they recognized I tried.
And is there anything more miserable, more humiliating, than writing the dreaded Cover Letter? The rhetoric of these letters lies somewhere in the gray area between used car salesman and pompous bore. I find myself again and again pandering hopelessly to a faceless but omnipotent entity. Headhunting organizations and job search firms across the country teach applicants to use "buzz" words and phrases like "enthusiasm" and "ideal skill set." How mind-bogglingly tedious it must be for workers in the hiring department to sit through page after page of the same self-aggrandizing tripe. This process is made even more daunting by the fact that the competition for employment has never been fiercer. It's like I'm being interviewed, along with around one hundred other potential and much better looking suitors, by a new girlfriend's parents and they have a portfolio of all my previous relationships. Oh, and I'm naked.
On the other hand, perhaps there has never been a better time to be unemployed. For starters, people don't seem that baffled when you explain why you're wearing pajamas in Central Market at four in the afternoon. Everywhere you look companies are tightening up and cutting jobs. Even the company Christmas party, that time honored tradition of uncomfortable speeches and attempting to appear sober, is on the decline. Who wouldn't prefer a day off rather than experience the awkwardness of ludicrous small talk with coworkers in a fabricated social environment? Also when your friends lose their jobs you'll have someone to commiserate with over a round of golf. And when you can't afford that, you can make a fort with your resume rewrites.
But I'll keep plugging away. My savings are all but gone and I haven't eaten this much Ramen since college, but my will is strong. I want to work and haven't given up hope yet. I'm not sure exactly how much longer I will be able to maintain a lifestyle of no income and exorbitant Kinko's fees, but there are always other options on the table. In the words of my grandfather, "The world needs ditch diggers too." I just hope they're hiring.

-Steve Thompson
  
Worst Jury : The Folks who acquitted Jason W. Buckaloo and Christopher S.Jones

On July 18th of 2007 Pasadena Police arrested Pedro Gonzales for Public Intoxication. At 1 am on July 21st, Gonzales was released. At 2am, Gonzales was arrested by Pasadena officers Jason Buckaloo and Christopher Jones. By morning Gonzales was dead. Buckaloo and Jones reported that he was drunk and had fallen, which must have explained how one of 8 fractured ribs had punctured his lung. The officers had not turned on their dashboard camera to substantiate their claim yet a passerby who called 911 in an attempt to report 2 police officers beating and jumping on a Gonzales provided a very different story. Buckaloo had previously avoided a conviction in 2002 for slamming a South Houston High School Student into the wall. The officers were tried for criminally negligent Homicide and found not guilty in July of 2008. The case came down to the prosecutions case that Gonzales had died from a punctured lung filling with blood, and the defense arguing that Gonzales had died from alcohol withdrawal. So, Cops who beat a 51-year-old man to death, and lied about it, won their case by attacking the eyewitness and blaming the death on alcohol withdrawal.
Moral of the story: don’t go to Pasadena. Ever.
-RobBlock

Worst Contractor: Timberwood Carpentry

Hurricane Ike is estimated to have done more than 25 Billions Dollars of damage to property along the Texas Gulf Coast. Timberwood Carpentry (10422 Telephone Rd) contracted workers from as far away as Florida and the Carolinas, as well as Louisiana and Texas to work in Port Arthur, Galveston and Houston to do clean up work. Workers were promised transportation, lodging, food, and jobs. Timber wood carpentry provided no safety equipment for the workers cleaning buildings and provided no care
to the their health needs which included skin infections, eye infections, and kidney infections acquired while working in contaminated buildings. They also refused to pay workers the wages owed for the labor provided to around a thousand workers. While protest by workers and supporters, like the Houston Interfaith Worker Justice Center, got many of these problems partially resolved, it reminds you we have bunch or crappy thieving neighbors.

-RobBlock

Worst Anarchist Bookstore: Sedition Books

Sedition Books is the worst anarchist bookstore in the city of Houston and quite possibly the worst on the gulf coast east of New Orleans. Odds are that if you go to their store at 901 Richmond Ave. you will find some punk sleeping on a couch and have to wake them to explain the library system and that you actually have to pay 5 buck to take out books. It’s enough to make you want to shoplift. It's the smallest anarchist bookstore in Houston and if you go to one of their events they host they can barely squeeze in 40 people to watch films, participate in workshops or hear a presentation which is usually for free or a donation. Their beverage options are
disgustingly limited. While you can get sangria soda, they do not have daiquiris, hot chocolate, or pineapple juice.

-RobBlock

Worst Houston Sportsman: Tracy McGrady

Who does this guy think he is? Roger Clemens? At $20.3 million, Tradey McGrady is the 9th highest paid player in NBA. He plays when he wants, he sits when he wants, he owns dogs that try to eat people. A diva and a charlatan, Tradey suffers from a hero complex brought on by the lack of an attempt at a college degree. He’s broken. Sell him for parts- or futures in oil.
Honorable Mention: Steve Francis

-Mills-McCoin

Worst Houston SportsTalkRadio Host: Mark Vandermeer

This guy is the worst “homer” and yet he’s from Massachusetts. A bloody yank is the voice of the Texans. I miss the days when you could hear the ice in Bum Phillips’ rocks glass that was chock full of whiskey. Vandermeer’s morning show on Sportsradio 610 is akin to Sesame Street. And his play by play as the voice of the Houston Texans is almost exactly like a young boy reaching puberty. Get this- his tag line is “Rock and Roll!” Creative genius.

Honorable Mention: John Granato and Lance Zerline

- Mills-McCoin

Houston’s Worst Taxidermist: Jimmy Sparks, taxidermist

I murdered a bear in cold blood and took the carcass to Jimmy. My Lord, he fixed it right up so good that when I set the bear in my livin’ room; he done come back to life and ate my kids. I’m just kidding, I don’t have kids. The other thang’s wrong with Jimmy is that he ain’t got no air conditionin’ in there. Damn it man! How you ‘bout to start thinkin’ ‘bout stuffin’ a pig in heat?

Honorable Mention: Danno’s Taxidermy- Boy, I got some stories ‘bout him too!

- Mills-McCoin

The Worst Thing About Houston Traffic: Cheap Gas

Not a one of you is a good or even semi-decent driver; and now that gas is “cheap” again, you can “afford” to continue driving poorly. When the price of a gallon of gas was $3- you still bought it. Now that it’s around $1.50- you’re buying it more. It is my sound and wise opinion as a prick and an asshole that the price of gas should be near $10. You would change how you live if that were the situation. For the sake of me, the environment and others around you that could get in my way, please carpool, walk, ride a bike, give me a bike or stay home.

Honorable Mention: Pedestrians

-Mills McCoin

Worst Houston Starbucks: The Only One Left From “The End of the Universe”

A number of years ago a brilliant comedian named Lewis Black once referred to the Starbucks situation at the corner of West Gray and Shepherd as “The End of the Universe.” The situation was that there were two- across the street from each other. You can see why there was some cause for alarm.

But now there is only one. The one with the drive thru. So maybe Lewis Black was right and Starbucks was simply off by a few years ( 2012).

Honorable Mention: The Starbucks in Midtown- nothing wrong with the Starbucks, just the clientele.
-Mills-McCoin

 

2008 FPH Sports Review

2008-12-31T12:35:00.000-08:00

The Houston Texans: After another underwhelming 8-8 season, the Houston Texans end the season on a high note with the same promise we always hear: “We’re really excited about next year.”

Despite the rest of the lackluster year, Sunday’s manhandling of the Chicago Bears was impressive. Matt Schaub brought the team back from a ten point deficit in the first quarter, which proved for a moment that he could captain this team in the future.

The difference between this season and last season came yesterday when Rick Smith, the Defensive Coordinator, was fired along with John Hoke (the Secondary Coach) and Jethro Franklin (the Defensive Line Coach). Head Coach, Gary Kubiak, had this to say about the situation: “You know... shit.”

Coach Kubiak had some good things to say about Pro Bowl defensive end, Mario Williams: “Our goal this year was to get Mario to start eating live quarterbacks for dinner. We didn’t reach that goal this season; but by this time next year Mario should be a full blown cannibal.” Kubiak ended the press conference by announcing that Andre Johnson would be the new Defensive Coordinator, citing his ability to do everything better than anyone else. I think it’s a good hire.

The Houston Rockets: For the Houston Rockets, the 2008 Playoffs ended exactly like the 2007 Playoffs: losing in the first round to the Utah Jazz. The season was not a complete failure. Just Tradey McGrady.

In his rare defense, Tradey managed to help the Rockets win 22 games straight, which is the second longest winning streak in NBA history. The Rockets won about half of those games without Yao Ming, who was having a stellar season until a very suspicious stress fracture magically appeared in his foot.

It is my opinion, as a genius in the field of International Affairs, that there is a direct link between Yao’s mysterious bobo and the 2008 Olympic Games in China. Little Red China, fearing that Yao Ming would be too haggard from the NBA season to play for the Chinese national team, decided to bring Yao’s NBA season to a premature end. Little Red China sent seven ninjas to Yao Ming’s house. They “stress fractured” his foot and gave him instructions to sit out the rest of the season. Yao’s response was “Yao!”

After an 07-08 campaign that was riddled with injury, The Rockets’ Jedi General Manager, Daryl Morey, made some savy offseason maneuvers that brought sharpshooter Brent Barry and violence specialist Ron Artest to the team, while retaining the services of break out star, Carl Landry, and veteran Dikembe Mutumbo. And the additions have certainly made a difference this season.

The Rockets are 20-12 and third in their division going into tonight’s bout with the miserable Milwaukee Bucks. Daryl Morey, an MIT grad, could not be reached for comment since I don’t have his phone number but I’m sure he would say something like: “Yeah uh we’ve ran the numbers and it looks like we’re gonna be in the playoffs again this year.” Stay tuned.

The Houston Comets: After winning the first four WNBA Championships, the Houston Comets are no more. It’s pretty sad that our (theoretically, and by God do I mean in theory only) most successful sports franchise has gone the way of the BetaMax. After Les Alexander’s contractual ownership of the team ran out, the NBA had to pick up the team for the 2008 season.

Throughout the year, David Stern tried to find a suitable owner but couldn’t because women’s sports that don’t require bikini’s are boring to watch. Did I just say something absurd? Why are you looking at me like that? If the WNBA players played basketball in bikini’s, then I would be a season ticket holder. Please, hold me to it.

The Houston Astros: For the third year in a row, Drayton MacLane, Jr. thought his Christian morals, instead of good or even decent starting pitching, would get his team back to the World Series- or at least the playoffs. But the fact is that no matter how many times MacLane splatters the face of Second Baptist Inc.’s CEO, Ed Young, on the walls of Minute Maid Park, he cannot not expect God or Jesus or Sandy Koufax to win games for him- namely because Sandy Koufax is dead and there’s no record of any deity worshipped by anyone to have won twenty games in a season.

MacLane once traded two young starting pitchers, Taylor Buckholz and Jason Hirsh, and outfielder/superfast base stealer Willy Taveras to the Colorado Rockies in exchange for one starting pitcher, Jason Jennings. Jason Jennings was not a good pitcher at all but he went to Baylor, Drayton’s alma mater. The Chicago White Sox wanted to send Jon Garland (a really good pitcher) to the Astros in exchange for the same players sent to Colorado. This is proof that there should be separation of Church and Baseball.

But on the good side, the Astros’ offense has become what it needs to be in order to contend for anything. The bats of Hunter Pence, Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada worked miracles this past season. In regards to the problem of pitching, perhaps during Spring Training there will be good news (not the Gospel) coming out of Kissimmee.

Finally, in all fairness to Drayton, Ed Young’s full name is H. Edwin Young. The “H.” stands for “Homer.”

End Times 2.0 – The Blue Beam Blueprint

2008-12-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

By Nave Navinud

“Look! Up in the sky. What is that? It’s a bird…a plane…oh wait, it’s just a holographic depiction of the Second Coming.”
Those who are privy to the top secret NASA/U.S. government project tentatively titled “Project Blue Beam” may just be some of the very few who aren’t going to be fooled by their space show in the sky that involves projecting holographic images into the ionosphere. This technology will be used to scam us into everything from believing an alien invasion is imminent, to coming to the realization that all the great prophets from Jesus and Buddha to Krishna and Ronnie James Dio are really just one interstellar savior that will be represented on Earth by our great One World Leader. Doesn’t sound like such a bad time to be living in after all. And for those who aren’t fortunate enough to know of Blue Beam, allow me to explain the Conspiracy of all conspiracies that dwarfs any other manufactured Michael Bay Apocalypse depiction imaginable.
The implementation of the New World Order via Blue Beam is set to take place in a four-step process. Step one will begin to take effect with the breakdown of religious belief systems of old when ‘new’ archeological discoveries are brought forth from numerous earthquakes that will occur in unexpected places. These new findings will be staged to shine light on all of our previous religious misinterpretations and provide the solution of an all-encompassing One World Religion as a replacement. As all falsified doctrines are laid to rest and the dust is cleared from the eyes of Man, the Magnum Opus of conspiracies will begin to unfold. Naturally, there will be some skepticism towards such claims. This is when step two will need to occur to really send things over the edge.
In order for step two of Project Blue Beam to be successful, we will have to imagine that the sociological, economic, and overall state of affairs leading up to this scenario will be so fucked that many of the people of Earth will already be leaning towards some sort of assumption that we are in the End Times or at least New Times. In a moment’s lapse the entire world will be stunned when a three-dimensional holographic space show appears in the sky across the entire planet. The purpose of such an event, you ask? Why of course it’s to beam specific cultural imagery, language, and sounds into the hearts and minds of each Earthling with the hopes of reshaping his entire worldview. Every culture will receive their very own movie with a relative explanation for where things went wrong and how they really should be. That’s right. Christians will see Christ, or maybe the Pope. Jews will see their long awaited Messiah, gold. Hindus will be shocked to find that their God is a very modest eight-armed Deity. The Muslims will see Muhammed bathing his sword in the blood of infidels. And Floridians? Ronnie Van Zant will resurrect from the dead playing the solo to ‘Freebird’. They will use the sky as a global movie screen to unravel ancient prophecies and simultaneously prepare citizens for the arrival of their well-planned One World Leader/False Prophet scenario. All of the great spiritual leaders of time will ultimately merge into one badass super leader that will offer both the peaceful prose of Gandhi and the charismatic demeanor of Hitler. At this point you may be thinking that the present author, or at least whomever thought up Blue Beam, has maybe taken one too many bong hits in his spare time which sparked increasingly paranoid and irrational views of the World. While this may be true for at least one of us, I challenge you to review some very interesting documentation of the subject and see if you think this is such an implausible scenario after all.
For starters, take a look at an Army Research Laboratory document from February 1998 titled “3-D Holographic Display Using Strontium Barium Niobate” in which an innovative technique for generating a three-dimensional holographic display is discussed in length. The resultant image is a hologram that can be viewed in real time over a wide field of view. The document states, “The holographic image is free from system-induced aberrations and has a uniform, high quality over the entire field of view. The enhanced image quality results from using a phase conjugate read beam generated from a second photorefractive crystal acting as a double pumped phase conjugate mirror (DPPCM). Multiple three dimensional images have been stored in the crystal via wavelength multiplexing.” With this technology, which is most likely far more advanced by now, real-time viewing of holographic imagery would be possible using photorefractive crystals as a medium, thus eliminating the inability to produce real-time holographic images, especially in 3-D form. For more information on the theory and experimentation of this technology, reference the Defense Technical Information Center online. This is just one of several methods available for simultaneously projecting these holographic images in real-time across the entire planet. In a December 2004 article in Wired magazine entitled “Apocalypse Now: How a Hologram, a Blimp, and a Massively Multi-player Game Could Bring Peace to the Holy Land”, the work of Israeli cybernetics expert Yitzhaq Hayutman is discussed. Hayutman has a very different view of how to bring about peace in the Middle East. He plans to project a holographic temple above the Dome of the Rock via an array of high-powered, water-cooled lasers and then fire them into a transparent cube suspended beneath a blimp. This would fulfill the ancient Jewish prophecy that the temple will descend from the heavens as a manifestation of light. He even has a plan to generate the virtual temple via an online role-playing game that allows users from across the world to assist in constructing this electronic apocalypse.
Now that several possible scenarios have been discussed for the visual aspect of Blue Beam, questions will arise concerning the technology available to achieve step three of this project, the voices of God. In step three, the souls of Man will be touched by the voice of their Divine reference point speaking to them in their native tongue. Each citizen plagued by this psychological torture will believe that they are receiving a Divine message properly molded to their cultural belief system that will accompany the light show in the sky in clearing up any past misunderstandings of our planet’s mysteries. They will be ushered into a new age of wisdom that essentially paves the way for the all-knowing Leader. I’m sure many people will be curious to know how it would be the least bit possible to beam such specific messages directly towards each and every individual on the planet. Well one way could certainly be with the use of long-range acoustic devices (LRAD). Beginning in 2004, American soldiers in Iraq were equipped with LRADs by the American Technology Corporation (ATC) for both land and naval-based operations. Long-range acoustic devices are capable of transmitting a highly directional beam of sound up to 150 decibels, which is 50 times the threshold of human pain. For any person within 300 meters of the device, there is always the possibility of irreversible damage to his eardrums. This technology is also effective for beaming a message towards a specific direction in very noisy areas. For several years, U.S. Naval officers have been using LRADs for giving directions in the busy waters of the Persian Gulf to fishermen and other small boats in the area. If you wish to give orders to a specific person or group in a large area, you simply point the LRAD towards them within a preferred range of 270 meters on land or 500 meters on water and within a beam width of about 30°. The message is then transmitted to the specific target, leaving it nearly inaudible for those outside of that area. With the ability to generate messages in almost any language, the long-range acoustic device certainly possesses the technological capability to fool millions of people into believing they are receiving a spiritual awakening from a source in the sky that is nothing more than a hologram designed to implement Earth, Inc.
Now that we have covered the voice of God aspect of Blue Beam, we are prepared to address the most important and final stage of this grandiose conspiracy. This fourth stage is a two-part process that concerns multiple facets of universal supernatural manifestations via holographs seen by billions worldwide. In the first part, the people of Earth will be made to believe that an alien invasion is imminent in every major city around the globe. Each country will be encouraged to band together to fight off this extra-terrestrial presence that poses a threat to Earth. Of course this is just what President Ronald Reagan said when addressing the United Nations: “Perhaps we need some outside universal threat. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world”.
In the second part of stage four, the apocalyptic Christians will be fooled into believing that the End of Days is here and the Rapture is going to occur. They will be led to believe that some sort of ‘off this planet’ source is coming to save the Earthlings from the grip of the evil Imperial Force. The goal of this would be to neutralize any significant opposition to the New World Order’s plan by making the gullible Christians think Judgment Day is here and they were right all along. While they maintain their complacency in preparation to be beamed up, the true plan of sticking it to the sheep of Earth will be in full effect.
If you are part of the 5% of the population who would even give this discombobulated conspiracy the time of day, then you might be wondering what kind of signs will we see as the age of Blue Beam approaches. Well, according to some guy from Canada named Serge Monast who wrote all about Blue Beam for the International Free Press in Canada and then turned up dead in classic conspiracy fashion, it will begin with some sort of worldwide economic disaster: “An in-between currency will be used to force anyone with savings to spend or turn in their cash because they understand that people who have money and are not dependent upon them might be the very ones who will mount an insurrection against them. If everyone is broke, no one can fund a war of any kind: paper currency will cease to exist. This is one of the first signs”.
A big portion of Blue Beam concerns the attempt to orchestrate ancient prophecies such as a Messianic arrival and the rapture and to make the respective religious communities of the world believe they are actually taking place. Contemplating the idea of staging prophetic fulfillments immediately poses questions about the operations of time and how we see it in linear fashion. Are the puppet-masters behind Blue Beam actually creating an outcome to these prophecies by acting them out? Or were such visions of old actually foreseeing nothing more than the future, when this technological spectacle in the sky actually takes place? Whatever the case may be, it certainly gives anyone with an overly active imagination plenty to think about.
Now that all of the ins and outs of Blue Beam have been addressed, I must give the basic disclaimer that I am merely covering the epic legend of what Project Blue Beam entails and am clearly not responsible for any holes or contradictions that you may find in this secret project. Please forgive them…it is a work in progress.

Greenbacks for Green Bins: A Letter of Thanks and Clarification for West Coast Donation to City of Houston

2008-12-05T10:16:00.000-08:00

To: Mr. Stephen Elliot, Author and Founder of the Progressive Reading Series, San Francisco, California

From: Andrea Afra, Assistant Minister of Propaganda for the City of Montrose, Texas

Re: Donation for recycling bins

Dear Mr. Elliot,
We would like to take this opportunity to thank you and the San Francisco Progressive Reading Series for raising money to donate to the City of Houston for the purchase of recycling bins, as it will benefit not only Houstonians but Montrosians alike. We apologize for the red tape you faced when trying to make the donation, however it was not known who the proper parties were to handle the contribution, then the mayor's legal department had to be consulted with which determined that your signature needed to be obtained for a waiver stating that the mayor's acceptance of your contribution was not an endorsement of any political candidate or party. Again, thank you for your donation of $1,250 as it will help offset the taxpayers' cost of the Mayor of Houston's $600,000 green marketing campaign that has yet to show any progress.

We are aware that you became familiar with Houston's recycling program after reading a July 2008 New York Times article reporting on a national study of the thirty most populous cities in the country published by Waste News that ranked San Francisco as the top performing recycling city at 69%, while Houston, the fourth largest city, came in last place at 2.6%. San Francisco not only generates good money from recycling but sets a prime example of how to succeed without depending on public funds to do so. A private company handles SF's recycling service and gives part of that money to the city. There is no charge for bins or for collection as all of the costs are more than covered by reselling the materials.

The NY Times article stated that: "...25,000 Houston residents have been waiting as long as 10 years to get recycling bins from the city...but the city says it cannot afford more bins." As you wrote in your article published by Huffington Post, you felt that you could help out with this problem and raised enough money to purchase 276 bins, at $6.25 per unit. Here again we must apologize for any confusion. If you would have read further into the article you would have come across the quote from Mayor Bill White saying, "We (Houstonians) have an independent streak that rebels against mandates or anything that seems trendy or hyped up."

What this translates to, Mr. Elliot, is "Houston doesn't give a shit about recycling." That is the overall attitude here. We are the energy capital of the world, yet we are the nation's worst recycling city. Over 160,000 residents have curbside recycling pick up service, but in many neighborhoods so few residents actually use the bins that it is not worth the cost of sending out the trucks. It won't get any easier than having someone come to your house twice a month and make your soda bottles and beer cans disappear, yet it is clear that people don't value the service enough to use it. Those who do utilize their bins run the risk of losing the service if their neighbors don't improve on their recycling efforts.

The citizens of Montrose would like to say that they are champion recyclers, leaders in the green movement, however we are just as apathetic as everyone else. We forget to put our bins out, we're not sure if we can recycle #2 plastics or #6, we don't even know our recycling day. Those who don't have city recycling pick up deem themselves exempt from having to recycle, which is bullshit. We will be the first ones to say that one shouldn't depend on their city for anything. There are plenty of ways to get rid of waste responsibly and we've devised a simple how-to guide for recycling in Montrose and Houston, and while it includes instructions on using public recycling services, we encourage the citizens to put other methods into practice as well.

Again, Mr. Elliot we'd like to thank you for your donation and hope to clear up the misconception that our atrocious performance may be contributed to by our need for more bins, when in truth our shoddy ranking is just a reflection of the value we place upon our environment. In the future, you may send contributions directly to the City of Montrose Recycling Fund which goes towards the purchase of unopened glass and aluminum containers of beer and other spirits so that they will be consumed and disposed of properly by responsible citizens, aka the Mayor and his loyal staff.

Our sincerest thanks and regrets,
The City of Montrose

Mayor of Montrose repeals Houston's city-wide bike registration ordinance

2008-11-06T11:42:00.001-08:00

by Mills-McCoin
“In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upwardly mobile—and the rest of us are fucked until we can put our acts together: not necessarily to win, but mainly to keep from losing completely. We owe that to ourselves and our crippled self-image as something better than a nation of panicked sheep.” - The Great Shark Hunt 1979

With our nation in the grips of economic downturn and our city recently ravaged by a hurricane, there’s one man that stands above it all and serves as a beacon in the night- Chris Hutto, the Mayor of Montrose. He’s a humble man with the wisdom and gumption to make change.
Many of you take pleasure in riding your bicycles around our lovely town; but most of you do so unaware of a rather ridiculous city ordinance mandating that you register your bicycle with the fire department. The price of such registration is one lowly dollar; and has been since 1968.
As I understand it, you bring your bike to the fire department and fill out the registration form. After that, the form and the dollar are stapled together. What happens after that... well I’m not sure. But I do know that whatever it is that happens is a complete waste of taxpayer time and money.
There are several theories behind the ordinance. In theory, registration aids in the recovery of stolen bicycles. Well, that would make sense if it weren’t so very very easy to steal a bike and then go register it with the fire department as though it were yours.
Thieving Bastard: Hi, I’d like to register this bike.
Fireman: Is it yours?
Thieving Bastard: Yes.
Fireman: Okay.
In theory, bike registration deters traffic violations. Nope. Not true at all because bike registration does not make you any smarter or better at cycling. This is, after all, a bike permit we’re discussing here; not an M-1 Abrams Tank permit.
Finally, again “in theory”, bike registration helps citizens report reckless cycling. Sure, if you’re a bitter person with 20/20 vision and capable of memorizing the license number as it “recklessly” passes you by.
Now that we’ve established the fact that 40 years ago some people had a stupid idea on a hot day, let’s get to the heroics of one Chris Hutto. He may not be as hot as Sarah Palin, but at least he knows what he’s doing.
Some local bicycle gang members approached Mayor Hutto with knowledge of this red tape and asked him if he might know how to cut it to pieces. Inspired by several beers and the opportunity to fulfill civic duty, Mayor Hutto signed up to be heard at the following City Council public hearing (always on Tuesdays).
Now, Mayor Hutto is no slouch. In preparation for his coup d'état of this crap city ordinance, Hutto notified the Police Department (HPD), Fire Department (HFD) and the Administration and Regulatory Affairs Department (ARA); and explained to them that he was going to attempt to have this law destroyed. He even went as far as to ask for their help in the matter. And they did.
On the day that Mayor Hutto was to appear before the City Council, all three departments sent a representative to stand behind him in support. Not only that, but the ARA sent Hutto a summary of the Bicycle Permit, claiming it “to be outdated, not cost efficient, impossible to enforce, and no longer necessary.” The ARA also found that the City of Houston issues about 10 bicycle permits per month. Time for A Quick Math Lesson To Remind The Public During An Economic Downturn.
If ten people per month register their bikes for the price of one dollar for forty years, how much money have you taken in? 10 x 12 x $1 x 40 = $4,800
In forty years, the City of Houston has (theoretically) generated only $4,800 of revenue through this ordinance. I’ve seen some bikes on sale for $4,800. It’s not farfetched to assume that the printing and distributing costs of the registration materials are more than $4,800 PER YEAR.
So that’s why Christopher Hutto, the Mayor of Montrose, backed by his three-headed Department dragon, yelled with a bellowing, God-like voice, “Mayor White, TEAR DOWN THAT BICYCLE ORDINANCE!”
To which, Mayor Bill White said, “What?” And that’s when he did it. Mayor Hutto presented his case and it was agreed that a vote would be cast.

My fellow Houstonians, you may rest well tonight knowing that there is a man out there (typically found at Catbirds) that is looking out for all of us. He doesn’t ask for money. He finds no need for heralding; and humbly refuses the praise he deserves. This man is a true statesman. Mayor Hutto heard the call of the oppressed and jumped at the opportunity to remedy wrong.
Are you inspired? Well damn it, I AM! Mayor Hutto, in his own actions, has outlined for us a strategy for change. Identify the problem, sign up to be heard, let the appropriate people know that you’re coming and then yell!
This is a story about a man who pisses on complacency. He didn’t wait for some questionably elected official to act on the people’s behalf. Instead, Hutto did it himself.
This is a story about a man that does not complain about the process. He makes the process his bitch. Hutto recognized that the process is there to be used. So he used it.
This is a story about George Washington, about Martin Luther King, about Stephen F. Austin.
This is a story about YOU and who you are supposed to be when it comes to civic duty: passionate, unafraid and pro-active.
If you think that bike registration is the only ordinance that costs the city more money than it makes, then you aren’t looking close enough. Silly, little impediments like this are all over the place and it’s our responsibility to purge them from our system.

The Bike Permit Law has been rescinded and you have one man (speaking for many) to thank for this. His name is Chris Hutto, the Mayor of Montrose. For God’s sake and the sake of our city, go to City Hall (again, Catbirds on Westheimer) and greet this man with a cold beer and a handshake. Cheers.

Before I go, I’d like to quote the very last paragraph of Carolyn Feibl’s article in the Houston Chronicle concerning the Bike Law. While I agree with everything that is stated in the article, I found the final paragraph to be.... socio-economically disturbing. It reads:

“Please. It’s not a car,” the Tanglewood resident said. “If people haven’t gotten a chain on it, or that bar, then they deserve to get it stolen.”

If this guy “accidentally” leaves his Mercedes Benz unlocked in the circle driveway of his huge house in Tanglewood, then by his logic his car “deserves” to be stolen. This guy is a scumbag and probably voted for McCain because he’s old... and white.

War Games!

2008-10-06T14:32:00.000-07:00

click on the image and Print!

The ‘Lesser of Two Evils’ argument revisited

2008-10-06T12:35:00.000-07:00

By Omar Afra
Illustration by Tim Dorsey

First and foremost, let’s make clear that the most important things you can do to shape the world around you do not involve elections nor any political process. Vote with your dollars, vote with your feet, spread loving kindness, and be a good steward of the planet and your community. Nonetheless, the leviathan that directs traffic within our corrupt and impotent political system thrives on our futility and lack of participation in the process. Do we ‘dirty our hands’ by engaging a system that is entirely compromised, or do we lay down on the tracks and die? Well, for the last 10 years I chose the latter. I decided that the ‘Evil of Two Lessers’ idea eclipsed that of the ‘Lesser of Two Evils’.
Let’s be clear. We manifest the ‘Lesser of Two Evils’ concept in our daily lives to no end. It is some ostensibly pure ideological motive that tells us that we can not be pragmatic in our politics. For instance, many of my friends are liars. Many are hypocrites. Many are self centered scumfucks who only seek advancement for self and would sell their souls for 20 dollars and a few Lone Stars. However, none of my friends are murderers. None of my friends are thieves. Well, maybe one, but I digress. Anyhow, my point is this: Obama is a fucking hypocrite. He has proven himself a liar. He no doubt harbors great ambition and his motives are unclear. Now McCain is indeed a murderer. "I am a war criminal," McCain said on "60 Minutes" in 1997. "I bombed innocent women and children." Not enough? How about this doozy: ""I'll call right now my interrogator that tortured me and my friends a gook," Mr. McCain said in 2000, using a particularly offensive term for Asians. "You can quote me."" McCain no doubt dropped ordinance on women and children and his planes carried napalm. There is much speculation as to whether he personally dropped napalm but he had this to say after seeing an accident with napalm involving his shipmates: "Now that I've seen what the bombs and the napalm did to the people on our ship, I'm not so sure that I want to drop any more of that stuff on North Vietnam." Why is that not an issue in the national coverage? Is this taboo to delve into? Now couple this with the fact that McCain has said that he would spend 100 years in Iraq. Would you hang out with this guy? Would you make him your friend? Again, Obama is just another politician but McCain has the military industrial complex’s balls on his chin. Have no illusions about the fact that McCain means another 8 years of imperialist wars, trickle-down economics, and growth of the police state. Ultimately, my assessment is not any endorsement of Obama but serves as a warning against sitting on your hands when facing the prospect of a militarist like John McCain running our government.

"I'll call right now my interrogator that tortured me and my friends a gook," Mr. McCain said in 2000, using a particularly offensive term for Asians. "You can quote me."

Ike on the Rocks

2008-10-06T12:32:00.000-07:00

by Mills-McCoin
Illustration by Tim Dorsey

Some friends and I skipped into The Harp on Richmond around 8:37 post meridiem, three nights after Hurricane Ike punched Houston in the face... Allowing credit cards, The Harp was packed with all manner of hipsters, neighborhood elders, etc. So we ordered tequila and some drinks, never paying any attention to the ridiculous curfew of 9 o’clock. At approximately 8:45, a pair of cops walked into the bar to inform the manager of said curfew in hopes of persuading her to close The Harp. The momentarily-brave bar manager politely declined to close, adorning the cop with a look of absolute shock. The foot-soldiers walked out pouting that they didn’t ruin everyone’s happiness in times of doubt. But seconds later, the other cop walked back in and asked for the bar manager’s driver’s license so that he could document her civil disobedience. I remember this taser-toting asshole had a shaved head. The bar manager folded her cards and closed the bar. The cop walked out with a grin from ear to ear and the stench of martial law, which smells worse than Eva Braun’s gash. Yeah, you might oughta take a breather after that one.
No electricity. No internet... No gas. No air conditioning. And now, no watering hole to take a prolonged dip in. Nevertheless, we all rolled with the punches together like one big happy AA meeting in the future.
I’ve never seen so many people take refuge in their forgotten love for alcohol induced... anything. Not only that, the clientele was a strange amalgamation of everyone who lived within a two mile radius of our once village quaint that now looked a bit like Sleepy Hollow. Sans hurricane, these people wouldn’t be caught dead drinking together. Hipsters and bourgeois Montrosians were pounding brew and discussing strange scenes of devastation with professors from Rice. I raise my glass high to those who took the opportunity to engage in a weird thwarting of the everydayness. After all, drinking is all we could do to get by.
That’s not entirely true, but to prove my point... Raking leaves drunk versus raking leaves sober? You’re mildly obligated to rake up the mess in your front yard anyway; so why not get thrown while doing it. Sitting on your front porch because it’s too hot inside your de-electrified house (aka “the olden days”): sober or drunk? You’re bound to sink into insanity just sitting there sober, staring at your neighbor across the street cleaning up the broken tree with his chainsaw and Jack Daniels. So toss a few back and... then toss a few more and talk out loud to yourself.
Libations are the cornerstone of most marriages, business deals, misadventures, intercourse and the like. The “like” being everything that makes the world go round. So; by that philosophy,- we’re just being productive in the drunken aftermath of a treacherous hurricane. At the start of the Hurricane season next year, we very well could have an entire generation of “Ike” babies. Remember the last time that happened?
Well... We’re back to “normal” now. There’s no more hysteria. You don’t hear “Oh my God, when am I ever gonna get my AC back!?” as often. Curfew’s not gone though. But, we’re back to ‘normal’... Cheers... .

Join the Army: It’s the Answer to High Gas Prices

2008-09-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

by Mills-McCoin
Illustration by Tim Dorsey
Army recruiters across the nation are under fire these days because of how they treat recruits who change their minds about surrendering their decision-making rights to the government (aka “joining the army”). There have been instances here in Houston at the Greenspoint Recruiting Station where the recruit-ers tell the recruit-ed that they’ll go to jail if they back out of their “binding contract” to a pre-enlistment program called the Delayed Entry Program.
I pondered all of this madness over whiskey and thought to myself, “Those sons of bitches.”
And then it hit me like shrapnel! I should see about joining the U.S. Army.
With only 48 hours to complete said task, I quickly climbed on to Ol’Reliable- the internet (or “internets” as our beloved Commander and Chief refers to it/them). GoArmy.com is a well-oiled burrito filled with information, search engines, online applications and melted cheese. I perused the virtual grounds for a few minutes before searching for jobs. The keyword I searched for was “journalist”, which returned one career opportunity- Public Affairs Specialist (see Joseph Goebbels, I thought).
Public Affairs Specialist, obviously the most difficult job in the Army these days, consists of “researching, preparing and distributing news releases on Army personnel and activities”, amongst other patriotic responsibilities. Perhaps this job should be outsourced to one of the high dollar Hollywood PR firms (there’s a wholesale “tax dollar” joke in there somewhere). They take movies and actors of the same ilk as the U.S. Army and make them sing. Keep in mind: Arnold Schwarzenegger is their governor. Do you know what kind of “spin” one must be capable of in order to sell that idea to a general public of crazy people (California)? Wizardry.
I wonder why there aren’t more of them working in the public sector? Oh that’s right! THEY WOULD BE POOR! If you can manage the “public affairs” of the U.S. Army then you should be paid more than $22,000 per year. I’m thinking add two or three zeros to that salary and even James Carville would be interested in the job; or whoever handles Satan’s public affairs. Well wait a minute- the U.S. Government handles Satan’s public affairs, right? Wow, our future gets bleaker with every crap joke.
In any case, I explored GoArmy.com for a bit longer and discovered the “Chat with a Recruiter” feature. And I’m sure it’s a lovely feature but “Chat with a Recruiter” doesn’t work well with Macs, which should alarm everyone because it means that the enemy is probably NOT using Windows Vista. If you’ve ever had the misfortune of using Windows Vista then you know that when it comes down to issues of National Security- we’re fucked.
After several minutes of cyber-battle, I decided to take on these salesmen face to face; so I immediately headed over to the U.S. Army Recruiting Station on West Gray between Waugh and Dunlavy.

At the door, I was greeted by two life-size, cardboard cutouts of one white soldier and one black soldier, both holding huge guns. The office itself was barren: no books on the shelves, no computers on any of the desks and only one army-man to field my questions (He was a beastly man with a look of regret on his face). It was sad and pathetic. How in the hell would you entice someone to join the Army in such squalor?
Well, they actually have an answer for that- up to $40,000 in enlistment bonuses. These bonuses are based on the recruit’s educational attainment and performance on the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery). I was told that the average score is considerably less than 50%- and that scares the shit out of me.
I left after a half hour of the commission-driven sales-soldier trying his damnedest to convince me that joining up was a good idea.
If anyone wants to join the Army, it should be for reasons of insanity, patriotism or a love of violence. Cold-blooded cash should not be your catalyst for such a grave decision. You’re a common street thug if money is you’re motivation; and we’re already overstocked with those in Washington- which begs a question: Who am I supposed to vote for in November if I want these enlistment bonuses cut from our National Spending?

From Solid Earth to Primordial Water | Profile: Angelbert Metoyer

2008-09-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

By Evan Dunivan

Time (A) + Memory (B) + Moment (C), at New Gallery/Thom Andriola, running September 13th – October 18th.

“The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery.” While Francis Bacon’s statement may be from nearly four centuries ago, it is an undeniable truth that cannot be stained by the confines of Time. Regretfully, in the 21st century, very few artists’ primary concern is the deepening of the Mystery. In such seemingly disparaging points in history, it is refreshing when an artist or group of artists appears on the scene with the ability to simultaneously bring depth and light to the Mystery.
As I set foot into Angelbert Metoyer’s spacious studio/laboratory, I am immediately given the impression that there is never a shortage of ideas, visions, or energy for this ambitious artist to channel into an eclectic assortment of work that takes one through aeons of time and into the transformation of Man. Metoyer’s original formula and approach have garnered him attention from museums, galleries, and collectors throughout the world. Over the course of the last 13 years, his paintings, drawings, sculptures, and installations have been featured in shows throughout the U.S., as well as China, Cuba, Germany, and Peru, to name a few.
At first glance, you may find yourself dismissing the thousands of pieces lining the walls and taking up most of the floor space in his studio as the work of another Basquiat-derived artist serving up a blend of esoteric cryptography mixed with random Divine symbols and signs. However, one soon realizes any generalization of the sort would be an insufficient explanation for the visionary work that comes through Angelbert Metoyer.
Metoyer uses his art as research to delve far beyond the material plane of thinking. His ambition soars into cosmic concepts of the utmost importance that draw upon the mystical influence of William Blake or Jacob Böhme. Looking into one of Angelbert’s many pieces that are immersed in esoteric themes, you immediately recall that this is an example of what artists of all media should be living up to. To use art for anything less than a research and expression of Life is of little to no importance. With his unique concoction of symbolism, numerology, and enigmatic diagrams, all accentuated by a masterful fusing of colors, Angelbert Metoyer is reviving the long forgotten importance of Sacred Art. Throughout his works, you will find the common threads of Native American mythology, the astronomical importance of the Dogon tribe, and the frequent usage of ladders that seem to signify the axis mundi or possibly the portal of the soul. As I study one his pieces, War with God from the 2003 exhibition Dark Energy Splitting the Universe at Paul Rodgers’ 9W Gallery in New York, there is a sense of hypnotic captivation akin to Vajrayana mandalas and yantras.
Additionally, much of Metoyer’s inspiration is rooted in his family’s Créole heritage. He was born on 7-7-77 with a sixth finger on his left hand and a veil of skin over his face, auspicious signs that have become somewhat of a trademark with those who follow his work. Metoyer is the 13th Angelbert of his family, whose matriarchal lineage comes by way of Marie Thérèse Coincoin, a slave born at the Louisiana French outpost in Natchitoches. Coincoin was purchased and eventually freed by plantation owner Claude Thomas Pierre Metoyer. Due to King Louis XIV passing the decree known as Code Noir, Coincoin could not marry Metoyer, but gave birth to 10 of his children. Once freed, Coincoin is believed to have received about 68 acres of land from Metoyer, as well as a generous land grant of around 660 acres from the Spanish king. Between 1794 and 1803, the series of land grants and purchase of several slaves are said to have led to the establishment of the Melrose plantation by Coincoin, making her the first freed African woman to own and operate a plantation. Additionally, she and her descendants are responsible for establishing the Créole community of Isle Brevelle and the first Catholic Church run by free people of color, the St. Augustine Catholic Church. Metoyer’s family has since become the subject of numerous articles and books that detail the development of the Créole people.
The integration of Flesh, Spirit, and Soul seems to be a focal point of Metoyer’s continuing research. Over the last several years, it has attracted the attention of many fellow artists and musicians, most recently poet/musician Saul Williams. Angelbert supplies the artwork for Williams’ latest release, The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of Niggy Tardust!. The album gained worldwide attention last year with Trent Reznor on board to produce it, as well as much hype centered around the plan of making it available for free on the Internet. Despite somewhat mixed reviews and disappointing results from this marketing approach, the album exposed Saul Williams to millions of new fans across the world, and provided many with a first time glimpse into the art of Angelbert Metoyer.
As of late, Metoyer has been preparing to debut a portion of his newest work at his upcoming Houston show, Time (A) + Memory (B) + Moment (C), at New Gallery/Thom Andriola, running September 13th – October 18th. Those fortunate enough to make it to this exhibition will be rewarded with the showing of Metoyer’s epic 13’x 13’ piece The House of Warriors. This piece has already received attention after being featured in shows in San Diego and Dallas, amongst other cities, and will surely be a focus at his upcoming show here in Houston. Additionally, September will mark his return to New York with a series of works debuting at the Dactyl Foundation. Before the end of the year, Metoyer is sure to be busy with his soon-to-be released book of collected works, I-AOI. He will also have several more shows throughout the U.S., including an exhibition at the Gerald Peters Gallery in Dallas, and will participate in the Richard Wright at 100 exhibition at the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, TN at the famed Lorraine Motel where Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated.
At 31 years old, Metoyer has reached a crucial spot in his life and work where he is now ready to tie the last fifteen years of research together in an encyclopedic fashion. “Most of the work that I am showing is part of an ongoing experiment,” he says. My guess is that Metoyer’s ongoing experimentation will place him within a long line of prolific thinkers and doers who will be remembered for translating a vision of Mankind’s ultimate purpose for thousands of years and counting.