By Alex Wukman

This man just used a tank to kill chickens

There are days when the universe makes sense; news stories explode across the internet and everything is right with the world. Then there are days when it seems that someone, somewhere, just decided to throw darts at a wall and make a story out of whatever they hit. Today is one of those days, and this is one of those stories.

None of the following is made up: Steven Seagal (a recognized reincarnation of 17th Century Buddha Chungdrag Dorje who was sued for allegedly keeping sex slaves, who blames the FBI for his acting career going to shit and who thinks he invented the front kick ) and everyone’s favorite desert fascist fame whore Maricopa County Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio used a tank, a heavily armed SWAT team and a bomb disposal robot to serve an arrest warrant on a man susepcted of cockfighting.

Local TV station KPHO reported that the home of Jesus Llovera had its windows blown out, was “crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear” and that one of the walls was knocked down by the tank.

Llovera had previously been arrested on a misdemeanor for attending a cockfight but he was not perceived to be armed or dangerous. What makes this more than the run of the mill overzealous police response is the presence of Seagal, who was in the middle of filming the third season of his ego boost reality show “Lawman,” where he rides around with actual police officers and tells them how bad ass he is because of his years of martial arts training. Segal’s contract with the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department allows him to accompany deputies as they arrest people, and in this case that meant riding in the tank with ‘Sheriff Joe.’ 

Once they got to the house Arpaio and Seagal, in the middle of executing what would be a normal search and arrest warrant, somehow determined that 115 of Llovera’s chickens had to be “euthanized on the spot.” It’s also worth noting that in 1999 Seagal received a humanitarian award from PeTA for his work with animals.

So to recap: a recognized reinacarnation of a 17th Century Buddha who received a humanitarian award from an animal rights group, but also has been sueed for keeping sex slaves, and a power mad sheriff took a tank to arrest a guy with a hispanic name who kept chickens for suspicion of cockfighting and wound up having to kill 115 of his birds. This is either a victory for postmodernism or it must be what going mad feels like.