Cocktales: Booty Calls and you

By Dr. Absinthe

Holiday season is upon us. In a few more weeks it will be Thanksgiving], then your gift-giving holiday of choice, followed closely by New Year’s Eve. Time spent (fighting) with family. Long lines everywhere. Annoying, cutesy jewelry and car commercials. Watching (hopefully) good football. The return of your favorite holiday movies. Nonstop Christmas music, everywhere. Wishing you had a date to any of your friends’ parties, or wondering why the hell you even started dating that jerk face of a romantic partner anyway. The War on Christmas”!. The inevitable disappearance of the Pumpkin Spice latte for another year.

Love or hate this time of year, there is one thing virtually everyone can agree on: you need more sex. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a willing partner to assist them with their between the sheets / on the kitchen counter / in a dirty alleyway needs though, which is where the booty call comes in.

If you already have an established friend-with-benefits then well, you don’t really need any help. Find a time that you are both available and interested, and go have a fucking good time. If you don’t have an established relationship like that, however, things can be a bit trickier.

The first, and most important thing, to always remember is that you are not entitled to sex. Ever. No matter how horny or lonely you are, or how much you think Person X owes you. Even if you are already romantically or sexually involved with them. You absolutely cannot control if the object of your booty call desires will be as interested in you as you are in them, and at the same time as you. So be gracious in any deferrals or postponements. Whining about it just proves that the other person made the absolute right choice.

Now that the “don’t be a douchbag” advice is out of the way, there are some things you can do to help in the success rate of your booty call attempts. Do not just contact someone completely out of the blue, especially if you haven’t talked in any context for an extended period of time. If all you are looking for is the means to the end of your own orgasm, then use your own hand, buy a new sex toy, or hire a professional. Now if it just show happens that you are interested in hooking up with someone you haven’t seen in a while then make sure there’s at least one casual meet up with him or her before any actual booty calls take place. Flirt a little to see if they are receptive, and find out if you are still interested in that person yourself, as opposed to just a memory and phone number.

Additionally, give the person time to respond. Their schedule is just as important as yours. A text at closing time will not be as successful (even if you’re messaging someone as sex-craved as you are) as something several hours or days in advance saying that you’re interested in some fun, what time works for them?

Be direct and honest, and try to keep a sense of humor about things. Once you have established that the object of your lust might be interested (see “don’t be a douchbag” above) don’t beat around the bush about what you ultimately want to be doing with him or her. Just texting a simple, “Booty call?” (with plenty of advanced warning, obviously) has always gotten a laugh and almost always worked for me. Even when it turned out the person supposed to receive the text had given his phone to his mother that day. *cough*

Finally, if the call was successful and you are now into the booty portion of the evening, make sure you give as well as you expect to receive. Obviously this person is as interested in you and sex as you are in them. If you want the best shot at a repeat performance throughout these next couple months then be sure to make it worth their while.

Happy holidays.

Dr. Absinthe is not really a doctor, nor is she really a drink. She is, however, a very sweet woman who absolutely can, and will, drink you under the table.