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Week 2: Texans Brutalize Jaguars!

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By Maxwell Morgan

Texans defensive end JJ Watt lookin mighty handsome

Damn, the Texans look good! Jaguars QB Blaine Gabbert had to run for his life, at one point barely escaping a safety despite being suplexed into his own end zone. The offense was rolling with a Foster and Ben Tate running game. Matt Schaub didn’t have much time to throw the ball, and there weren’t a whole lot of vertical passes. But I was pleased with the decision making by Schaub, because he opted to throw short check-down passes rather than risking anything unnecessary. The defense is so talented that the offense knows they can be patient. Schaub and company have to feel like three touchdowns wins every game, so theoretically, they are in a position to win without having to alter the balanced offense that Gary Kubiak loves to employ. The Texans dominated their division rival Jaguars (I prefer “Glitter Kitties”) with an impressive 27-7 victory in Jacksonville.

A sloppy early series from our defense in the second half resulted in an easy two play touchdown drive from the Jags to cut the lead to ten (7-17). But no panic from the Texans, as Kubiak stayed true to his “run-balanced” offense. Which is an easy thing with our epic running back duo. The Arian Foster and Ben Tate combination was too much for the Jacksonville D to endure for four quarters. Once Foster tenderized their defense, Tate would come in and beat the hell out of them running with authority and decisive cuts. That being said, our defense also looked pretty tough to endure.

Our defense was plain mean today. We knocked QB Blaine Gabbert out of the game midway through the fourth, JJ Watt was unstoppable, and Brian Cushing was throwing his body around like a sack of hate. I’m not really buying into the Gabbert injury too much. Looked more like some losers limp, and in all honesty, there wasn’t a whole lot else he was going to be able to do. As I mentioned before, he was running for his life. The new Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey (yes, Mularkey) had to have seen enough of his pretty boy QB, so why not see the other guy? MALARKEY! Too little, too late. Back-up Chad Henne had a lil’ something going for a series, but nah, ya can’t be fumblin’ snaps Chad! JJ Watt fell on the Henne fumble as it pin-balled through manly man legs right to his feet. Afterwards, the game seemed officially done and as Watt and our defense walked off the field with an air of victory. Kubiak subsequently killed the game with third string running back Justin Forsett and a lil victory formation.

We played a very clean game besides a couple miscues on special teams, but neither muffed punt amounted to anything more than a few lost yards. Not having turnovers is essential to our success, so I gotta feel confident with todays win. Particularly in how the Texans did it today. They crushed poor Glitter Kitties, humiliated their QB, again, in their house, and in front of their new owner. At least he has something to model his franchise after now? Our defense has a legitimate argument for the honorary “Best in the League” status.

I wasn’t sold on the JJ “SWatt” nickname. Then he starts the game with multiple drive stalling swat’s followed by Houston’s favorite swat celebration first trademarked by NBA legend Dikembe Mutumbo, the finger wag! Great to see it again! I’ve decided JJ is so big, he gets multiple nick names. Milkman, Swatt, Mega-Watt, whatever, or WATTever, hows about plain dominant. I’m pretty sure CBS showed a diagram of things JJ can eat and they included: one Kevin Durant, three Bald Eagles, and many footballs. Or it could have been referring to his wingspan.

NEXT UP Week 3 @ Denver Broncos

Next week is gonna be the first big test of the season. Peyton Manning with his new Broncos team at Mile High stadium in Denver. The Broncos have a stout D, and the high altitude to their advantage. Manning has been perfecting a hurry-up offense to prevent defensive substitutions and really maximize the affect of the altitude on our players. The Texans will get a little peek at their opposition as the Broncos will be facing the Atlanta Falcons on Monday Night Football. Which also means a short week for them. It will be paramount that the Texans establish the run to keep the ball out of Peyton’s hands, and (of course) they don’t turn the ball over. I expect a close victory for the Texans.

And, for old times sake, Blaine Gabbert cursing at Brian Cushing:

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