Turd of Ages
We’ve all done some turd gazing before. It’s an inexorable evil when entering a public bathroom. Some slob forgets to flush his feces and you’re stuck with that nasty after-image burned into your brain. A few weeks ago though Free Press employee and Funwunce Supergroup cofounder, Mark Armes, revealed to us all, a photo of a turd so mythic that it merits an exhaustive investigation of the facts. The shear magnitude of this leviathan wunder-loaf has made it the object of both awe and scrutiny by gastroentrologists worldwide. Hans Farfetnügen of Austria’s most prestigious bowel movement think-tank said this about the phenomenon “I’m not fully convinced this an authentic specimen. I can’t fully verify or debunk the turd without a plaster cast or some kind sample but if it is indeed real then this is certainly a paradigm-shifting poop”. Armes said he found the turd while working in a Texas sporting good store. An unnamed co-worker first sighted the turd in one of the store’s bathroom stalls but upon discovery he promptly fled the restroom, the store, and hasn’t been available for comment since. Valiantly, Mark located the turd and took a series of photographs, all of which have been lost except for one harrowing photo. However, the rest of the roll has disappeared conveniently, a fact which has some experts convinced the Armes could have fabricated the story and images himself in an artfully executed hoax. For now you can view a free high res version of the picture, but in the future Armes plans to start a paysite for gawkers. The world will never know for sure what happened the day when the log was supposedly left but I’m sure the legend of this distinguished dookie will endure for generations to come.