Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE
Disclaimer: you don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.
MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WENT TO OUTBACK AND I GOT FOOD POISONING. LATER THAT NIGHT, SHE WANTED TO GO OUT AND NOT STAY WITH ME AND MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HER?
Why are you taking your girlfriend to fucking Outback? God, you are the asshole, not her. Also, you are a big baby. Call your mother. She’s your girlfriend, not your mommy. People who expect their significant other to stroke their head and feel bad for them need a pacifier and a fucking boot. Appreciate it, don’t expect it.
Also, the problem isn’t that you had food poisoning. The problem is that you’re a pussy.
MY FRIEND IS DATING MY EX WHO WAS A TOTAL DOUCHE BAG. HOW SHOULD I TELL HER?
How should you tell her what exactly? Fuck her. If she’s dating your ex, she’s also a fucking douche bag. Channel your inner Braveheart and shout “FREEDOMMMMM…” out loud and flash your ass to everyone.
Then go out and fuck some strange. You won’t care about that petty shit anymore.
I AM THINKING ABOUT PUTTING FRENCH DOORS IN MY HOUSE, BUT I’M NOT SURE IF THERE ARE OTHER THINGS WE CAN DO TO MAKE THE ROOM LOOK COOL.
Man, what the fuck. WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK? I am negative in my account, and I have like $20 cash. Fuck you. Put in your French doors. I hope they fucking fall off the track and never work again. Man, I don’t even know what French doors are, you rich jerk.
WHAT IS THE ABSOLUTE, BEST WAY TO GET WHITE SHEETS?
Buy new sheets.
MY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT IS ON, BUT EVERYTHING IS WORKING. I THINK IT’S MY CATALYTIC CONVERTER, BUT I’M NOT SURE.
Okay, first make sure that shit is plugged in. Like, seriously, it’s not going to work if it isn’t. I usually like to do a restart—that usually does the trick—you can get to that by pressing ctrl+alt+del. If that doesn’t work, I would call your friend you have saved as “GEEK SQUAD” because you can’t afford the real geek squad and ask them.
MY DAD WANTS ME TO FOLLOW IN HIS FOOTSTEPS AND BE SUPER SUCCESSFUL IN LIFE BUT I’M THINKING ABOUT PURSUING ART. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
The only time I like reading about pussy is when it’s in the description of the creampie porn I’m about to watch.
MY GIRLFRIEND IS SKITTISH ABOUT ANAL, AND I HAVE A FETISH FOR IT. HOW CAN I WARM HER UP TO THE IDEA?
I’m so excited about this question! Ok! First off, how do girls even know they don’t like anal if they’ve never tried it? People always say, “oh how do you know you won’t like pesto if you’ve never tried it?” Well, can’t we say the same for anal? I mean anal is tight. Sure, like, maybe not everyday or every time, but it’s totally got it’s moments. You know how you warm her up to the idea? You get one of your tight, mutual FEMALE friends who likes anal to “girl talk” it with your girl. It has to be one of those “ladies only” conversations though where they are drinking wine and fagging out over girly shit. Please use the following as a script: “I used to be super against it. But you know, we were just having fun one night and decided to give it a go. I mean, he had put a finger up there a couple times before. Anyway! So, at first, it totally hurts. The main thing is for you guys to be looking into each other’s eyes (or something ridiculous like that) and let him ease it in. And lube it up, dude. LUBE. IT. UP. You can get him to eat your ass first or something. Then once you get past that, I’m telling you, you’ve never orgasm’d like an anal orgasm before.”
Come home with lube that night.
Side note: If that doesn’t work, you should probably break up with her
WHATS THAT SONG THAT GOES, “OH OH OH OHOHOHOHOHOH OH OHOH OH”
“Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora
CAN I WEAR A FELT FEDORA IN THE SUMMER?
This one is so easy! Do NOT wear a fedora. Ever.
I HAVE THE WORST TOOTHACHE AND NO INSURANCE.
Whiskey. Also, rub a little cocaine on it. Can be purchased after hours at your neighborhood bar.
MY BOSS KEEPS HITTING ON MY AND I HATE IT.
Stop bleaching your mustache and shaving your legs.
I AM LOOKING FOR THAT SMOKEY MASCARA LOOK – HOW DO I ACHIEVE THAT?
- Apply all other makeup.
- Start by curling the top lashes-I know it’s scary, but don’t do it and you may as well not wear mascara at all! Squeeze once at the base and hold for a few seconds.
- Dot black eye pencil between lashes, applying from underneath. Then blend it with a liner brush.
- Smush your mascara wand right in your lash base, shimmy it a few times, then pull it through, lifting it up and in toward your nose
- Next, hold the wand vertically and gently skim it across your lashes in a windshield-wiper motion. This fans them out and gets rid of any clumps on the tips.
- Mascara on your bottom lashes finishes the look. Hold the brush vertically and lightly paint each lash; that way, it won’t smudge.
- The final most important step: fall on a dick with your mouth open. Make sure to gag for ultimate smokey babe eyes.
I KNOW THIS GIRL THAT MEANS WELL, BUT IS SUPER FUCKING ANNOYING. WHAT DO I DO?
Pawn her off on one of your other annoying friends. They will cancel each other out.
Or you could bad dad her – you know: make plans and promise an evening of fun and then cancel 20 minutes after said plans were supposed to be happening. Do this a couple times and hopefully she’ll get the point.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A PARTNER?
Someone who doesn’t have to ask a drunk person what they’re looking for in a life partner. Stupid.