For many at last night’s Papermoons homecoming show at Walter’s, it was a night of lovely music. Phillip Foshee’s opening set of heartfelt acoustic songs rang trough the room with an angelic grace. The Papermoons themselves seemed happy, in high spirits, and were excited about playing SXSW thanks to some help from the lads at Indie Houston. And everyone basked in the glow as News On The March expertly brought in some sunshine to the cold rainy night with their bright harmonies that foreshadowed trips to Galveston in the hot summer months ahead. A typical night of H-pop right? So one would think but, last night, behind the lovely strains of the cello, the rich melodies, and the twang of the guitars lurked a dark side.

It’s a dark side that isn’t brought up very often but we’ve heard the rumblings about this for quite some time and we at the Free Press we have uncovered the awful truth. Look if you will at what our undercover cameras found at last nights show (click on the image to see the detail).

Sick, isn’t it?! That’s right, News on the March, those happy smiling Houston Popsters you’ve come to love and adore, are here engaging in turtle smut. We originally thought this was just isolated to these few sick-o indie pop stars until we spoke with our own April Patrick (who, to our dismay, was developing a sex toy shaped like a turtle’s shell) who boasted, “I’ll make millions from News on the March alone!” Millions? Alone? Clearly this went beyond simply one band. Therefore we posed for months as a N.A.P.T.L.A. (North American People Turtle Love Association) representative and, though many wouldn’t talk out of fear or shame, we eventually did gain the trust of various local musicians and slowly they opened up to us, exposing the perverse exploitation of our reptile friends. Consider the following statements:

Beau Beasely of Homopolice is non-chalant about the matter, “Yeah, I just watched a video of a turtle raping a shoe. It was kind of sexy.”

Ben Murphy, guitarist for Bright Men of Learning and Tody Castillo, raves, “There’s not much I love more than turtles…maybe monkeys. For the record, honestly, any thing tiny and cute will do.”

Erik Bogle of Bring Back the Guns says,’ “I feel that turtle porn is the muse that Houston’s indie pop scene has been lacking.”

Anna Garza, promoter extraordinaire, is also an enthusiast “I think turtle porn is awesome! Everybody deserves to get their freak on! You can quote me on that!”

Justin Crane of Nonalignment Pact, like many, retorted with a twisted logic when challenged; “It’s OK to watch violent ninja turtles go around destroying things, but it’s not OK to watch a turtle make sweet love to a shoe? I think your values are screwed up!”

Phillip Fosee, may not engage in this behavior but like many he defends it; “My opinion… I think musicians (and only musicians) should be allowed to take inspiration from anything they want, however bizarre or grotesque it may be. I think it’s beautiful that someone could be inspired this.. That inspires me. So in a way, I am inspired by turtle porn. As for how evident this is in the music I create, and whether someone may find it offensive… Well… That’s for my elected government representatives to decide. ”

Niki Sevven of Something Fierce simply expresses her thoughts in Haiku:

turtle porn is skank
houston indie pop is shamed
awesome! party time!

I know what you are thinking. Isn’t this going to wreck careers, ruin lives, and possibly destroy the entire H-Pop scene? Yes. Yes. and Yes. But when you look at the video below I think you will understand why we have to speak out stop this epidemic now!