By David H.
I love Morrissey. He’s seriously a guy who operates on his own terms and does whatever he wants. No official website, no record label, and apparently; no plans to tour anytime soon. Sad as his throngs of fans may be by this, retirement appears to be the career path for Moz in 2014. Though shrouded in mystery, a supposed upcoming memoir is up for release before the close of this year. While his adoring and rabid fanbase wait for this page turner, I wondered what the best post-retirement career for the singer could be.
Los Angeles seriously has a love affair with Morrissey. He has a home in the Hollywood hills, they hold a convention for him, and he sold out Hollywood high school in twelve seconds. So, when you couple this adoration with Morrissey’s staunch stance on animal rights and the recent food truck craze; a vegetarian taco truck seems like a great fit. I mean, who seriously wouldn’t want a “Piccadilly Palare” Sweet Potato Chalupa or a “Redondo Beach” Pineapple Infused Potato and Egg Burrito? Okay, maybe this isn’t the best idea. I’m not sure of too many patrons who’d endure “Ave Maria” blaring over loudspeakers while they attempt to order a “Vicar In A Tutu” Torta.
Of course, the idea of a Morrissey Chat show titled “Reader Meet Author” had crossed my mind. But, considering that Morrissey generally seems to dislike most of the possible celebrity guests in the world; this would be an unlikely event. Unless they could conjure up the ghosts of Oscar Wilde, James Dean, or even Ronnie and Reggie Kray; I don’t see BBC One greenlighting that project anytime soon.
Taking that into consideration, I can honestly say that I’ve been a long time advocate for Morrissey getting into the greeting card business. There’s a whole segment of the greeting card business that isn’t being touched, the snarky side. Not only could Moz create an entirely new business for those at Hallmark, but he could use it to relent on those he finds fault with. If a person takes the song titles from his years with The Smiths, and intertwines them with the song titles from his solo career, one can see an obvious career in greeting cards.
In a world where we hop on twitter to rant on the ill-gotten gains of people whose fifteen minutes are at the eighteen minute mark, “snark cards” seem like the logical next step. Who better than a man who despises “Duck Dynasty”, rang in the news of Margaret Thatcher’s passing, and who even has some choice words for Beyonce, to lead the revolution in mean spirited cards? If you wanted to send someone a card for their belated birthday, I would suggest “It’s Not Your Birthday Anymore”, or “Unhappy Birthday”. If you wanted someone to feel bad about their engagement, you could send “Will Never Marry”, “Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved me”, or even; “My Life Is A Succession of People Saying Goodbye”. I mean, even if you wanted to stalk someone you could mail them “All You Need Is Me”, “The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get”, or even in a threatening way; “Tomorrow”. Yes, I’m quite certain there isn’t any one of the large greeting card companies that wouldn’t dream of Moz and his poison pen being on their writing staff.
If we are to believe famed “Ringleader of The Tormentors” producer Tony Visconti, the latest incarnation of musical prowess from Moz is already done. Though if what Visconti says is true, I can’t blame Morrissey for not signing a 360 deal. While it would make sense for Morrissey to crowdfund an album with his massive fan base, I can understand not taking that route as well. I mean, he’s Morrissey. Would we really expect less from this charming man?