Illustration by Shelby Hohl
So, in this age of technology, we reach out to the internet to figure out how to change habits, cure diseases, kick addictions, diagnose ourselves through WebMD, and figure out why the fuck we can’t maintain a stable relationship. We are always in search of an answer. Well, I don’t have that for you. What I have here is the manifest of how you can fuck up your current relationship. I hope you take these things in and use them in your everyday life. Because I have, and it ruined all of my relationships and put WebMD in my bookmarks. LET’S GET STARTED.
1. Always bring up their past
If you really really want to add to your insecurities and show that you aren’t confident, you’re going to want to start off with this one. Wait a month and really get to know them, let them trust you and confide in you, then start asking questions. You want to pepper them in at first; you don’t want to scare them off right away because you really want this break up to hurt you. Try to do it at least once a day. They won’t realize it at first, but you’re creating a portfolio of how you’re fucking shit up and how their exes did a lot cooler shit with their lives than you ever will. Listen to them as they tell you how big they were in bed or how tight their pussy was. You want to know where they traveled and what they’ve accomplished, because you just sit on your ass all day living vicariously through loved ones.
2. Show them how needy you are
Never, ever, under any circumstances, give them space. Show them that you can’t function without them. You need to start this slowly. Start with the “good morning” texts. I want you to practice this as soon as you wake up. Make sure to put at least one emoji in the message to lessen the intensity of your neediness. Ask them what they are doing even if you know they’re at work. This will really, really show them that you’re not capable of living life by yourself because, of course, you’re weak.
3. Expect trust but do not give it back
Expect them to have a cleaner record than Mother fucking Theresa. You know you fucked up in the past, but that’s not the point; this is about them. They really did you wrong when you never even knew them 5 years ago. Feel hurt from it. They should have known they were going to meet you, right? Fuck ‘em. She should have known Chad was a dick from the get-go! Amber was obviously a bitch. God, and we thought our significant other was smart!
4. Don’t let anything go
Overthink everything. If she said she thought Hugh Jackman had a nice body or he said Beyonce has a perfect face, TAKE THAT SHIT PERSONALLY. I don’t care how long you’ve been with them. I want you to ask them, “What do they have that I don’t?” Fuck the big screen fuck making 20 million dollars a movie. You’re the love of their goddamn life. Your love handles should be the bicycle of their love and not just because you are out of shape. Come on.
5. Love them unconditionally
No matter what, love them through their flaws and mistakes. Love that weird little mole they have. Love the way they can’t pronounce that one word right. Love the fact that they didn’t know the 52 card pickup joke. Love the way they eat. Love the way they laugh, and most of all, love that they are alive. Because, this is really what is going to matter in the end, and this is what is really going to hurt. Overall, they were the perfect human being, a fucking angel. Just kidding, no one is perfect. But they went through steps 1 through 4 like a champ, and in the end, love wasn’t enough. Because you need to love your fucking self.
Take this not as an answer, but as a caution of what not to do. I don’t have that answer for you. Hell, I don’t even have it for myself. But, it’s inside of us somewhere, and it may take a few months, a few years or even a lifetime to figure out. But, no one thing will solve your problems. It’s not on the internet, it isn’t in a substance, and it sure as hell isn’t in a new relationship. Go outside, make a new friend, buy a pet…write an article… I can’t help you. I can’t even help myself. But you can.