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Badvice: Volume Onety-Two: The Evening Edition

Badvice: Volume Onety-Two: The Evening Edition
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

VOLUME ONETY-TWO: THE EVENING EDITION.

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


Dear Readers,

I’m just gonna leave this here…

This shit was late because I’m not getting good questions anymore. Just fake-ass, unimaginative, boring questions.  So please, submit your questions. Eavesdrop on peoples conversations and submit their questions! Shower thought questions? I’ll answer them!

Just don’t make them up anymore. They’re terrible.

Love Screen Shot 2014-11-12 at 12.22.04,
Marini

 


 

I have been dating this girl for almost five months and i am thinking about proposing to her. Too soon? we have really connected, I don’t think I have ever been with a girl that has connected to me like her. we are living together and its great. we have a lot in common, we like the same activities, her friends are cool, she is responsible and gorgeous. oh yeah, and the sex is AMAZING. everything is pointing to “make it for life”. I only worry I might be being overly romantic? I have even bought the ring and know where to pop the question. Did I mention the sex is AMAZING?

Honey, there’s no hurry. I would recommend The Coital Challenge: For a year, put a quarter in a jar every time you have sex. For the following year, take a quarter out every time you have sex. When the quarters run out, enough time will have passed to actually start thinking about getting married.

 

Dude I met on OkCupid is funny, attractive, and just sensitive enough. Motherfucker shows up to our first date drunk (fine), talks seriously (?) about us moving in together, and then asks me if I can give him a ride to pick up coke for his friend. And he kept going for my pants when I said in many different ways at many different times “no”. So do I ignore the strong connection and allow him a pass (everyone makes mistakes…or 8), or say what normal people think in these situations: “run”? Halp.

Ohh, dude. No. Yeah, I don’t know why you need help with this one. I wouldn’t bother. You’ll end up having to babysit all the time which is incredibly boring. Plus, he doesn’t even know “no”. My fucking dog knows “no”.

 

My SO has been hinting for a while that they want to be fucked in the ass with a strapon. I’m totally down with that, but whenever I try to finger them in said asshole they don’t seem to like it. Am I bad at it? Or what?

Also, fingering is not the same thing as the other stuff. Your bony little finger is not the same as a dildo. Just buy a strap-on and propose it one night. You should be able to talk about weird shit you want to do in the bedroom. That’s what good SO’s do for one another. But lube is definitely the key.

 

How to approach a female you don’t want to scare away forever? I am a female practitioner of the art of cunnilingus and am attracted to females who embrace more of their feminine side such as myself. What are some ways I could approach them to find out without making them feel I’m going to follow them home and tie em up and sit on their faces (unless they really want me to) or without making me feel so crunchy (the extreme level of awkward which results in a burn so high it results in crunch)? I also don’t want to scare them away forever cuz they could be a cool person to just be friends with and all that jazz. P.S. Here’s lookin at you kid 😉

Hit her up. Start with a Facebook message or something. Then hang out with them, and be extra flirty, but still be yourself. See if you guys could even really be friends. Who knows, it might work out. Don’t continuously wonder whether you should do something or not, and think the awful “what if” question. Just know the “if”. But just don’t do anything extreme out the gate. Fucking play the game a little. It’s fun at this stage.

 

I picked out my own engagement ring, is that lame? Me and my old man have never been one for surprises. We tell each other exactly what we want. We have been wanting to get engaged for awhile. Yet I’m sure people will ask about how he chose that ring when we let everyone know (after he asks my dad’s permission, cause they’re old school like that). Should we be upfront and say fuck off. Or should we come up with some elaborately insane story?

You could do something off that show Downton Abbey that you watch. Honestly, it shouldn’t fucking matter. If you guys are happy and want to spend the rest of your life together, fucking tight. You can now include asking BADVICE about this dumb question into your engagement ring story. There. It’s interesting now.

 

I have a dream career. I could not imagine being in any other field of work. I don’t mind working hard to achieve what I want and I like a challenge. But my boss, man… He cannot speak a linear thought process. It’s more like drunk driving through his mind. And in turn, all the bullshit communication makes my job a living hell. Unclear direction is my worst enemy because “Did you even do what I asked?” or “Did you even listen to what I said during the last meeting?” NO MOTHERFUCKER, BECAUSE YOU DON’T MAKE SENSE. This is frustration at it’s best (or worst). It’s making me super stressed and affecting my life at home. But I need this job to get where I want further down the line. Thoughts on how to handle the stress and/or situation?

Written communication? Ask him if he’s heard of email. Make sure you wear your corn-flower blue tie to really get his attention when asking.

If you really love this job though, you gotta figure out a way to really make it work. Try recording your conversations with him so you can go back. Go watch ‘The Devil Wears Prada’ for some inspiration. I’m talking specifically about the Harry Potter Books scene. That movie will make you want to chug a Monster and stay ahead of the game. BAM. YOU GOT THIS. YOU FUCKING GOT THIS.

 

This dude I really like said that I don’t seem into it when we’re having sex. Any pointers?

  • Watch porn. If you really like him, stroke his ego a little bit. You’ll hear how girls sound while they’re faking. He probably watches a lot of porn and needs that confirmation for his penis. Just don’t be obnoxious and over the top about it. If you think you sound stupid, you probably do. So just a touch, tad, bit of sexy moaning. It’ll shut him up.
  • Make the gagging sound when you’re blowing him. Be sure to look up.
  • Positively endorse the sexual activity afterwards – “I haven’t been fucked like that since grade school” – Marla Singer

 

My boyfriend stays up late trolling on Facebook for hours. When I ask him to come to bed and cuddle me (or do me) he says I am nagging him. Should I dump his ass?

Yes.

 

What’s the weirdest thing in your purse right now?  I’ve got a pregnancy test and a 3 pack of condoms in mine.

I’m actually not using a purse these days because I just roll with everything in my jacket. So the weirdest thing in my jacket is not even that weird. It’s a donut pin. (HEYO – check out the dude who made it’s art show: Recommended For You: A Solo Exhibition)

 

Have you seen Season 1 of The Knick?  Not to spoil you if you haven’t, but there’s a whole story line where Clive Owen puts coke on his dong and then bones a nurse.  Whats that like?  Inquiring minds.

Based off of what you’re saying, brb. I am watching the Knick because I have to see this. I will follow up.

 

CLICK HERE TO SUBMIT YOUR QUESTION TO BADVICE

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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.