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BADVICE: Kate Upton Has Great Tits - V. 18

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: Kate Upton Has Great Tits - V. 18

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.

How do I get my boyfriend to not depend on me so much? He expects me to not keep him from falling into a pit of depression even though I live over 20 states away.

Send him diapers with notes implying that he’s a baby anonymously. Maybe he’ll be so humiliated that someone out there thinks he’s a fucking baby and start to man up. He’s supposed to be “your man” not your fucking “baby boy”.

Anyway, the problem here is that you’re in a long distance relationship. Unless you guys have the long distance relationship sex toy, you guys are probably just going to be miserable since he can’t pop one off in you and you’re probably doing the “right thing” and being faithful. Relationships without sex is called “friends”.

how would you deal with an unnecessary alcoholism intervention from friends and fam?  and it really is unnecessary. smirk and jeer, lots of fuck-you insouciance? insist you don’t have a prob? anger? pity? ”i know you think you’re helping” condescension? brutal honesty (“you people just want to feel better about yourselves”)? earnest attempt at explaining your life choices? also, you’re more financially and socially successful than everyone involved in the intervention. by a lot. but you want to still be welcome during holidays.

I thought going home for the holidays was for free food, laundry and cash..? If you don’t need any of those things why are you going anyway?

If you’re gonna be around them, just maintain eye contact with them every time you take a sip or guzzle of your drink.

I found 50 whataburger ketchups in my apartment…I don’t even have a question.

I’m not sure if my response should be happy or sad for you.

why is it so important to everyone that i think kate upton is not fat?  i don’t get the intensity. btw i’d be more than happy to hook up with a girl as hot as kate upton. and i simultaneously recognize that she’s fat compared to the modern standard of “women used to sell lingerie and bikinis.” how is this not an acceptable line of thinking in 2024? why so binary? i blame “hot or not.” remember that show? that was a crazy show.

Who gives a fuck. Kate Upton is a fucking babe with great tits. Everyone is always going to find something to bitch about. Trust me - I dealt with that all last week.

The Legitimacy of a Pickup Line.  How is the denial of her phone number while offering to pour her some honeywine (mead) not a pickup line?

Before you start worrying about what is or isn’t a pickup line, let’s work on your syntax. You can’t put a question mark at the end of a series of words and call that a questions. Also, the fedora you undoubtedly wear is not making you appear slimmer, and drinking honey wine isn’t helping either.

Any New Years resolutions at BADVICE?

Yeah: no.

i think i have an addiction. i get off on talking to comcast customer service representatives. i dont even want actual sex anymore. they let me stay on the phone for as long as i need and they never really know what im doing on the other end of the line. i have so many extra services i cant even afford now because of this. sincerely, blast plus tripleplayer.

You should sell yourself on craigslist. I’m sure people would pay so you could handle their account issues. Might as well get paid while you’re rubbing your dick on the phone with them.

You might also want to seek help because this is maybe the most disturbing question I’ve received, and I’ve received some fucked up questions.

The girl I’m hooking up with sleeps with her small dogs in the bed. Like, she’s okay with them being under the covers. I want it to be more than just hooking up, but dogs on my junk while I’m trying to sleep is a weird thing for me. I don’t have any pets. I’m also not bringing up the fact that they stare at us while we do sex, because, while I do find that strange, it’s not stopping me from doing it, so no harm no foul.

Let’s just get this straight right now, you are a tourist in this girl’s life; a traveling penis that once in a while beds down after a jostle. You’re fucking a pet human in front of her masters. If by now your dick hasn’t made any dent in her sleeping arrangements don’t expect them to change anytime soon. Either learn to love the animals and all the Disney movies she watches or find a new lady to tramp.

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by Marini van Smirren