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BADVICE: Don’t Burn Any Bridges, Dick is Dick - V. 15

BADVICE: Don’t Burn Any Bridges, Dick is Dick – V. 15
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Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

Illustration by Valeria Pinchuk

Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE

BADVICE: Don’t Burn Any Bridges, Dick is dick - V. 15

Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.


How do I to tell inner loppers that they’re not the only interesting people in Houston? I live outside the loop, still in Houston. When I’ve gone bar hopping many a time with friends who live downtown I’ll strike up a drunken conversation with someone random. It’s all going great till they ask where I live. Immediately they’re repulsed, and attempt to bail after they make some remark about out of loopers being a waste of their time. I’ve managed to salvage some of the conversations by discussing their stereotype of not living in or near the loop. Is there a quicker way to tell them to fuck the calm down, and not treat me like some Ebola patient?

Tell the Houstonian they can move to Austin if they want to act like such a pretentious prick about the location of where someone lives. Does it work for you? Do you chose to live where you live? Then whatever.


My boyfriend of 5 months has a tinder, wtf would he need a tinder for? Its a bit confusing, should I be concerned?

Show me a person who uses Tinder for making friends, and I’ll show you a liar.


Any pointers on how to get away with being super stoned at work?

  • Curl your eyelashes because it makes your eyes look more open – dude or female. (Dudes, borrow a coworkers lash curlers.)
  • Smoke at least an hour before you have to be at work.
  • Always look like you’re mad because that gives the impression that you’re probably busy and people will leave you alone. Your face should be a combination of looking like you’re doing mental math and when Forrest is talking to Jenny’s grave under the tree they used to play on when they were kids.
  • If you work on Washington Ave, you can just wear your sunglasses inside.


Should I reconsider? Or read some liter(ature)? I invited the guy I’ve been seeing on and off for a year now to be my date to a baller ass holiday party with free drinks, cool people, and rad vibes a week before the party is scheduled. He tells me “I have to check my schedule.” I was like, well, okay.. It’s now the day of, I call him and ask if he wants to go, and he is like “ugh, if i don’t go you’ll be mad but i don’t want to go” Should I ditch him? Or am I being a bitch?

Don’t burn any bridges. Dick is dick. If it’s on again/ off again, just consider it off right now.


The past year or two I’ve been labeled a player. My friends joke about it, but in all honesty I’m really seeking a relationship. I’m an average guy, I think. I also work in the service industry, so I get more attention than I deserve. My friends bitch at me when I start liking someone and it’s wearing on me. I don’t want to force a relationship, but what are some steps I can take to meet that special lady?

First of all, you’re painting yourself as a player and you’re under handed complimenting yourself for an anonymous column. Don’t do that. We didn’t need to know all of that. In fact, all you needed to ask was , “what are some right steps to meeting that special lady.” So, step one: don’t do what you just did when you’re meeting girls.



danger in faking it? i don’t care about football or hardly anything most ppl care about. like christmas, nude jennifer lawrence, obama, mother’s day. dgaf. i do like babies, at least. and badvice is tight, i mean i’m not a lost cause. but recently i’ve started really getting into shit i previously though was dumb, like even joined a fantasy football league and talked some over-the-top shit. also ask people about their lives and actually listen and then ask more questions. now i find myself not forcing myself to like dumb shit. that’s scary. am i going to be a football-obsessed party bro in 2 years, three beers and the right situation away from going down on jj watt or A foster?

This is the most androgynous question. I also don’t know why you’re asking this. Are you going to be a bro? Are you going to be gay for liking football? But you’re into babies? You spent too much time trying to be funny, that your question doesn’t make any sense.


How do I make my shitty neighbors take out the trash once and a while? Let me hit you with some numbers: I live in a 4-plex that shares a backyard with another 4-plex and a 2-unit garage apartment, which brings the total number of people sharing the garbage (4 trash cans + 4 recycling cans) to 12 fully-functioning adults, including my girlfriend and myself. But for whatever reason, no one else but us will ever touch the fucking things. Even when we bring them to the curb (every week), they’ll sit there until she or I suck it up and bring them back up. And, if we don’t bring them up, then these child-people will just pile their garbage up where the trashcans usually are, because “duh-huh, trash go here.” Not to mention the crazy cat lady that will jam the cans full of stanky, sopping wet bags of cat shit/piss/her depressing diet. To be fair, there is one person who will help and is totally nice about it, but only every so often. Now, I know good advice would be to reach out like a neighbor, make my case for communal responsibility and overall cleanliness, and ask them politely. Or I could even be a sneaky Pete and snitch on all those motherfuckers to the property manager. But I want that BADVICE.

First of all, I’d like you commend you. This is a great question. It was well written, easy to read, and I know what the fuck you’re trying to ask me. You, my friend, are an example. People, take note.

To answer, you could:

A. Start mailing them their own trash and give a whole new meaning to junk mail.

B. Starting from today, however many days go by is how much trash you put on their doorstep. IE: one day = one empty food can, two days = two dirty diapers, three days = three blood-choked tampons, etc. It’s like reverse 12 days of Christmas, so it’s just in time for the holidays.

C. If you’re dealing with literal children people, I recommend reaching to them in a way that they’ll understand. If they’re
going to act like children, treat them like children. Create a chart with each of the tenants and place a gold star underneath your name for as long as you’re taking out the trash. Maybe they will start to get jealous and want to earn their own gold stars.


So… This bitch has been trying to get all up on my junk. It was cool at first because she’s hot and I liked her, but now I can see she’s an attention whore who hangs all over every dude. I told her to back off of me but she says I’m acting like a dick. Should I have her whacked or fuck her mom? 

Whoa, this guy is pretty black or white. “Should I have her murdered or ruin her life?” I’m pretty sure there are some steps before killing her and destroying her life. Like, stop responding to her texts, ding dong. And definitely don’t have her “whacked” or “fuck her mom” because that would just fuck up your own life, stupid.


What’s your favorite Christmas song?

Mele Kalikimaka – Bing Crosby and Sleigh Ride - The Ronettes




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Want more Badvice? Read past installments here.