BADVICE: SLOPPY SECONDS EDITION
Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE
SLOPPY SECONDS EDITION
Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.
A FRIEND OF MINE LIKES EVERY PICTURE OF MINE ON FACEBOOK AND INSTAGRAM. HOW DO I TELL THEM TO STOP?
This is not a fucking problem. You know what you should do? You should join the fucking army and quit your job at Pappadeaux. Then get sent away and specifically request to be put on the front line. Then leave your bullets at base and take one for the team.
I WENT FROM WEARING SKINNY JEANS AND BLACK SABBATH TSHIRTS TO POLOS AND SPERRYS. SHOULD I HATE MYSELF OR ACCEPT THAT CHANGE IS A NATURAL PART OF LIFE AND REMEMBER THAT REGARDLESS OF WHAT SUPERFICIAL CONVENTIONS I AM SUBMITTING TO, I AM STILL “ME?”
Look, the only question you should be asking yourself is “Did I get more pussy in the Black Sabbath shirts, or am I getting more pussy with the polo/Sperry combo?” If the answer is that you got more pussy with the Sabbath shirts, you should hate yourself for changing. And if you’re worried about the quality of the pussy between the Sabbath shirts and the polos, maybe you should be asking “Quality over quantity?” or vice versa.
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO GET A TATTOO OF MY NAME AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
HOW DO I TELL MY GIRLFRIEND HER THING STINKS?
Her “thing?” What are you, twelve? Her fucking puss, vagine, snatch… Anything but THING!
Obvious – tell her.
Or how about this? Don’t wash your dick for a week and then tell her to have a go. Erect up and start waving it around her fucking nose. Waft the scent into her flared nostrils. (Side note: I’m gonna fucking puke.)
If she goes down – dude, you’re totally fucked.
If she doesn’t – be all like, “How’s it taste?”
Or like, what if you put vapor rub under your nose? When your eyes water, tell her you’re just really into the lovemaking.
MY FRIEND CLAIMS TO BE AN ARTIST, BUT IT’S COMPLETE SHIT. HOW DO I TELL HIM?
Only real friends would tell them. Make sure to be as harsh and horrible as possible. Then they will decide that you’re an asshole and won’t want to be your friend anymore. PROBLEM SOLVED.
I’M A DUDE AND I CRIED DURING A SAD, CHICK FLICK. SHOULD I BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF?
No. And if anyone makes fun of you…FUCK THAT PERSON. It’s cool. It’s tight that you’re in touch with your emotions. Just don’t be a woman about it and don’t do it in front of other people because that’s just pathetic and don’t tell anyone about it because if you told me I would totally make fun of you.
WHAT IS THE PROTOCOL FOR WHEN YOUR LOVER FARTS IN YOUR FACE DURING 69?
Laughter. If you can’t laugh without offending someone during sex, you’re having dull sex. Or! You can totally one-up them and puke all over their sexy parts and then laugh as you’re pulling on your clothes and looking for your keys because they couldn’t laugh at themselves and you’re out because BORING.
HOW DO I SHAVE MY BALLS AND NOT HAVE THEM ITCH LIKE I DIPPED THEM IN AN ANT BED FOR THE NEXT WEEK?
Are you doing porn? Because that is the only time I like to see shaved balls. I don’t wanna feel like I’m sexing a baby penis; gross. Dude, as a female that will S the D it doesn’t need to be totally shaved down there. Just trim that shit. And if you really, REALLY want to shave your balls, then don’t go against the grain, and be sure to baby powder that shit like the baby penis it is.
HOW DO I MAKE MARINI DATE ME? (HINT: YOU’RE THE MARINI I AM TALKING ABOUT.)
You’re tall, handsome, and you’re so confident you don’t have to ask me anonymously via my advice column. Oh, and you’re amazing in the sack and like eating pussy because I’m, like, soooo into cumming that way. And if you’re a lady, I’ll eat you out, but I don’t want to date your crazy ass. Vaginas are bananas. TRUST ME. I totally have one. (No offense, lesbians.)
MY BOYFRIEND SAYS HE DOESN’T MASTURBATE BUT I THINK HE DOES. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Anyone who says they don’t masturbate is either a liar, or really fucking boring. Or so sexually fulfilled they’re an asshole and only because you’re jealous. So, do nothing. Let him touch his penis. He’ll last longer when he puts it in you.