Badvice: Hiiiiigh Five Edition
Fuck sober, thoughtful, level-headed advice. Here’s the truth: BADVICE
HIIIIIGH FIVE EDITION
Disclaimer: You don’t have to fucking read this if you don’t like it. I know I sound like an asshole. The title states: “BADVICE” which therefore constitutes an awareness that one reading should anticipate the nature of said bad advice.
HOW DO I TELL MY RACIST FATHER I’M DATING A BLACK GUY?
Lol, you don’t.
Send him a photo of your dude’s dick in your mouth. Solve that problem, right quick.
I KEEP FEELING LIKE I SHOULD FINISH MY PHD BUT ALL I KEEP THINKING ABOUT IS MY COUSIN. WHAT’S THE SOLUTION?
You should rub one out looking at their picture. We all have weird things we don’t like talking about. That’s okay. Then, feel bad about yourself for the grossness you’ve done and finish your PHD to forget about it. Don’t tell anyone ever.
IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO SHAVE/TRIM/MAINTAIN YOUR PUSSY? TO CLARIFY, I MEAN VULVA, NOT CAT.
Wax, duh. Or if you’re cheap: warm it up, lather it up and shave against the grain for the ultimate baby bottom. Do not complain in a week when it itches like a motherfucker because you’re a cheap ass.
MY BOYFRIEND AND I BOTH SMOKE WEED. WHENEVER WE’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX I HAVE SUPER BAD DRY MOUTH AND GIVING BLOW JOBS IS OUT OF THE QUESTION. ANY POINTERS TO AVOID THIS? SHOULD I CHUG WATER BEFORE HAND?
I mean, you can. But the real secret is gagging yourself. Like, gagging yourself to the point where you’re going to puke, but don’t. Like four (4) fingers. You’ll find the most amazing natural lube in your mouth.
WHAT TO DO WITH A SMALL PENIS?
Here’s a little tip: Put a pillow under her ass or doggie and make sure whatever you do you rub her clit.
CAN I MAKE OUT WITH YOU, MARINI? GOOD IDEA OR BAD?
Man, why all you pussies asking me anonymously via an advice column? Let me put you down in person.
I FUCKED MY BEST FRIENDS EX AND NOW WE’RE DATING. I DON’T WANT TO TELL HER BECAUSE I THINK SHE’LL BE MAD. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
What was that movie called? Clockstoppers? Isn’t that the one where they can go back in time? Or was that the one where they could only stop the future or something? I don’t remember because I had the weirdest boner for Jesse Bradford. I think you know what I’m getting at though. You’re an asshole for doing that and if you could change the past, you should change it. The only thing you can do now is not be a chump and tell her the truth and cross your fingers that she’s the most forgiving person who will accept your shitty ways.
HOW DO I TALK TO MY GIRLFRIEND ABOUT DOING OUR TAXES TOGETHER OR BEING COMMON LAW MARRIED?
Oh god. Isn’t that the thing the girlfriend should be asking? This is the most Asian question I’ve ever heard. Pop out your abacus and do the math yourself.
Ugh. God, thank the stars I’m not dating you.
I’M LATE ON RENT AGAIN. SHOULD I BLOW MY LANDLORD TO AVOID THE LATE FEE OR DO I ASK MY FRIENDS FOR MONEY AGAIN?
How many of your blow jobs equals what you’re late in rent? Not your looks. Not your personality. Just mouth to penis? What is the number amount? Because unless your landlord is a total fucking scum fuck, you should probably ask your friends for money again.
Also, you should write in blow job tips if it’s so good your landlord will excuse the late rent. The people want to know.
MY BEST FRIENDS FEET STINK LIKE SHIT.
Don’t ever invite them over to a situation where they take their shoes off except for when swimming in a public pool that’s packed with chlorine and kills that shit off. Avoid bowling, traditional Japanese homes and all the yoga classes
HOW DO I STILL HAVE A GOOD TIME WHEN I SEE MY EX?
If they broke it off with you, you don’t.
I THINK THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG PHSYCIALLY WITH ME. I DON’T FEEL RIGHT AND I THINK I SHOULD GO TO THE DOCTOR. I LOOKED IT UP ON WEBMD AND IT SAYS IT’S SERIOUS. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Wait it out for a week or go to the fucking doctor now and run the 50/50 chance that you’re fine, over reacting and out a fuck ton of money.
Double Disclaimer: do not listen to me.
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