An Open Letter to our ‘guests’ in Montrose
Don’t fuck this up for the rest of us
By Omar Afra
Illustration by Tim Dorsey
‘ The Montrose’ and its portion of the Westheimer drag in particular have undergone a few notable revisions and additions in recent months. High dollar-boutique drink purveyor Anvil has popped up in the last couple of years and similar establishments are following suit. Gone is historic lesbian bar Chances and in will go Hay Merchant. Similarly, the ‘ Tex-Mex’ joint El Real has taken over the famed spot of the former Tower Theater, which was subsequently Hollywood Video. Add the demise of Mary’s and the popularity of the new Royal Oaks and you have a marked change in the dynamic of the neighborhood. What has happened is a good and bad thing. For the first time in quite some time, Montrose is becoming a ‘destination’ for days that are not weekends. Yes, our fair neighborhood is starting to see more men in pink collared shirts, women in 6-inch heels (who are not prostitutes), and other Washington Avenue types. More people, and their money, in the hood is a good thing as long as they behave. Here is a quick etiquette guide for these imported folks:
– Stay in your safe zones: El Real, Hay Merchant, Anvil, Royal Oaks, and Poison Girl on amateur nights. Please avoid Catbird’s and Lola’s at all costs for your own safety.
– Our safety and comfort takes precedence over yours. If an ambulance is called for you yet a native Montrosian needs urgent care, you will be passed over.
– Keep quiet when leaving the bars, as much of our neighborhood is asleep. See, we get wasted on Mondays not Fridays because we all work on Saturdays.
– Dude-bros must not travel in packs larger than 3.
– When you see our Honorable Mayor Chris Hutto in the streets, give him the proper salute. This consists of prostrating before him and singing anything off of Fugazi’s In on the Kill Taker.
– As a matter of protective breeding, any native Montrosian has full carnal rights on your girlfriend /boyfriend while she/he is in our jurisdiction.
– Try to speak as little as possible. Make sure all of your ‘hoorahhhs’ are under the proscribed 50 decibel limit
If you follow these simple guidelines, you can help us keep Montrose the great place that it is. For now, we enjoy your company. We may even find you humorous. But remember, you are here as our guests.
Don’t fuck this up for the rest of us.