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A quick and easy guide to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder

A quick and easy guide to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder
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White boys cry too.

by Omar Afra

I have got a handful of friends who seem to get all damn depressor every winter with the lack of sunshine and colder temperatures. They call this ‘Seasonal Affective Disorder’ but I call it ‘Sad Potato.’ People who otherwise are energetic and peppy folks can slump into this sad-potato state despite Houston’s moderate winter. I must say that I am one of those people yet I have found a few ways to help me stay crunk and happy during these dark and cold days. Here are a few tips:

SWITCH TO AGGRESSIVE FORMS OF MUSIC

When times get tough, don’t wallow in misery and immerse yourself in songs like this. Every winter I transition to jamming only the heavy shit and gangster rap. Nothing cures a bout of melancholy like a bit of adrenaline and angst. Or in the case of gangsta rap: hubris. Here are a couple of reccomendations.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2RwBfCZG_yA[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d4qr7-7fnz4[/youtube]

MAKE YOURSELF SWEAT

A little bit of exercise can bring up your core body temperature, make you sweat and release toxins, and help you avoid winter weight gain. I recommend robbing people outside of HPD storefront and then sprinting away from chasing officers. But if for some reason you do not want to spend a weekend in jail just to get a good workout, then I suggest a good workout video. And nothing says cardiovascular exertion like poodles. Know what I mean?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vdX_OBUeHb4[/youtube]

CANCEL ALL HOLIDAYS

Holidays often have a tendency to bring out the worst in us. Getting together with over-bearing family, remembering loved ones lost, or over indulgence in food and drinks can make us depressed. So cancel your holidays and spend them listening to Ride the Lightning from beginning to end and doing calisthenics. Hwaugh. Scorpion complex, fool.

MAKE MORE SEX

Get your nasty on ASAP. It will make you happier and can qualify as exercise (only if you put in work son!). Here is what Serendip has to say: “It has been suggested by medical doctors and psychologists that regular orgasms can lead to a healthier lifestyle. A study in Wales was done by British scientists who interviewed nearly 1000 people in six little villages about their sexual frequency. They followed the participants up by recording their death date and looking at the average life spans. They ultimately found that men who had sex twice or more times a week died at half the rate of men who had sex less than once a month.” What more proof do you need? Don’t you know everything on the internet is true?!

MEDITATE

Imagine you are a fish swimming in the vast ocean. You find your way to some sea coral. The coral is covered in a bounty of various Indo-Pak curries and braised lamb dishes. You say “But I am a fish? We do not eat such things!” Nonetheless, you indulge and turmeric drips onto your fishy chin. You have tried something new and it was clutch-ass-clutch.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_WQvOIkgRg[/youtube]

LESS WEED, MORE TEQUILA

When you are feeling sad, the last thing you wanna do is get all introspective and start exploring who you really are. You may not like what you find OR find what you like. Rather, you need escape and wild abandon. Try tequila. Drink enough to say shit about what people are wearing and start a fight. Tell that bitch she don’t know how to accessorize.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

GET OVER YOURSELF!

Shit ain’t that bad. Go live in Liberia for a week.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQSjyYRTDVM[/youtube]

So give these simple and easy tips a try and you will be on a one way ride to Blissville USA where all day we jam old-school Metallica, exercise, Sexercise, drink tequila, eat curries, and remind ourselves we do not live in Liberia. Hope this works. If not there is always my drug of choice: Beignets.

4 Responses to A quick and easy guide to avoid Seasonal Affective Disorder

  1. Mez December 13, 2011 at 9:41 am

    Crude article…but true. I was just having this conversation about how myself and a friend were going to take care of business during these sad times. And NO, that conversation wasn’t with you! (although it did come up considering we do the podcast together…and are friends)

    In conclusion…I hate you.

    -Mez-

    Reply
  2. denis c December 9, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    wow… watched the whole documentary on Liberia… very intense/ eye opening

    Reply
  3. Albert R. December 9, 2011 at 8:50 am

    Thanks Omar you get me so well!

    Reply
  4. bunny December 8, 2011 at 10:01 pm

    I agree with most of your article, and yes I too suffer from the nasty seasonal shitty shove a tampon in my mangina syndrome, but as a really helpful suggestion I would add: take vitamin d3!
    It keeps me away from listening to horribly depressing music like morrisey and the aquabats!

    Cheers,
    Bunny from Skeleton Dick

    Reply

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